Someone Who Feels Ashamed Of Themselves Usually Does 9 Things That Make It Pretty Obvious
Matej Simko | Pexels There are many reasons why somebody might feel ashamed in their day-to-day life. Shame is simply judging yourself harshly, and it can show up as feelings of inadequacy or even stupidity.
Many people who are ashamed don’t do it on purpose, but it lingers unspoken as a secret they try to hide.
Someone who actually feels ashamed usually does certain things that make it pretty obvious:
1. They excessively apologize
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If you have a habit of immediately apologizing, even if you aren’t sure if you’ve done something wrong, it’s actually driven by shame. As a woman, I find myself constantly doing this. Society teaches us from a young age that we need to apologize for simply existing. However, this can be very detrimental as adults.
Shame is a feeling of embarrassment or humiliation. If you constantly feel embarrassed, this might mess up personal or professional relationships. It’s important to train your brain to apologize only when you've actually hurt someone.
2. They avoid eye contact
According to psychologist and author Arlin Cuncic, MA, people who feel ashamed will avoid eye contact. They try to make themselves smaller in conversation because they believe their contributions are not worth the other person's time.
They are also embarrassed by simply being present and believe that there is probably somebody else who is better to spend time with. As a result, they hide their feelings of inadequacy by refusing to hold anyone's gaze. It can almost come across as disinterest when it's anything but.
3. They don't openly share their feelings
Many people who live with shame will avoid having vulnerable conversations. They believe their feelings are not valid and they have learned to be embarrassed by them.
They will avoid any sort of honest conversation, especially with people they are close to. As experts noted, when feelings of shame are intensified, people tend to avoid vulnerability.
4. They are masters of self-deprecating humor
People who live with deep feelings of shame typically use self-deprecating humor to hide it. It's a natural human instinct to try to beat other people to the punch with a joke. However, a lot of the time, other people don’t even realize your insecurities.
Self-deprecating humor can be a very positive coping mechanism that helps people laugh and come closer together. If not executed correctly, however, it just makes everybody uncomfortable.
5. They overwork to avoid letting others down
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People who live with shame are typically perfectionists. They are constantly trying to prove that they are adequate.
As a result, they may overwork themselves. They are trying not to let themselves or anybody that depends on them down. Although they may simply believe they are ambitious, there is typically a root cause of shame behind this behavior.
6. They frequently cancel plans
People who live with shame tend to cancel plans a lot. Clinical psychologist Tejas Shaw explained that people who suffer from debilitating shame have a common cycle of canceling plans and then feeling lonely.
People cancel plans because the build-up before the event can feel very stressful. They get in their heads and plan out the worst possible outcome, then cancel. Unfortunately, missing out only makes them feel worse. It turns into a vicious cycle without resolution.
7. They seek praise
Everybody wants to be told that they are doing a good job. But praise and assurance from others should not be the sole motivating factor in effort, and that's the problem with needing praise because of self-shame.
Sometimes if people didn’t get enough validation as children, they go out of their way to seek it as adults. Often, however, people who are ashamed seek out praise, only to hide when they finally get it. It’s a complicated process and one that typically stems from childhood.
8. They downplay their wins
Often, people who are ashamed struggle to achieve success. They will try to downplay their wins because they don’t feel like they deserve the praise they so desperately seek.
They also fear coming across as arrogant or overconfident. They try to downplay success because they are afraid of attention. They may have 99 people praising them, but they are scared of one person saying something negative.
9. They dislike having their picture taken
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As I mentioned earlier, people who are ashamed will try to avoid the spotlight, even if they crave it. They don’t believe that they are good enough or attractive enough, and they will constantly put themselves down.
A common trait of people who are ashamed is avoiding photos. There are many reasons, such as being afraid they won’t look perfect or that people will see them. It's painful to think about, but people who are secretly ashamed can have a visceral reaction to their own image and don't view themselves accurately.
Sophie Bagheri is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and theatre who covers lifestyle topics.
