5 Core Emotional Reactions That Can Tell You How Emotionally Intelligent Someone Is
When it comes to EQ, size really does matter.
Light and Vision | Shutterstock Emotional intelligence, AKA "EQ," is a term that is starting to gain steam, even with people who don't normally talk about emotional wellness. That's for good reason, as emotional intelleigence can help people have happier lives with stronger relationships.
First, let's define emotional intelligence. Then we can get into the specifics of how to spot a person with high emotional intelligence in the "wild", so to speak.
Emotional intelligence vs. intelligence
According to the American Psychological Association's definition, "Intelligence refers to intellectual functioning. Intelligence quotients, or IQ tests, compare your performance with other people your age who take the same test. These tests don’t measure all kinds of intelligence, however. For example, such tests can’t identify differences in social intelligence, the expertise people bring to their interactions with others."
Emotional intelligence, on the other hand, is defined as follows: "Emotional intelligence (EI), Emotional leadership (EL), Emotional quotient (EQ), and Emotional Intelligence Quotient (EIQ) is the capability of individuals to recognize their own emotions and those of others, discern between different feelings and label them appropriately, use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior, and manage and/or adjust emotions to adapt to environments or achieve one's goal(s)."
The term first appeared in a 1964 paper by Michael Beldoch, and became popular following the publication of Daniel Goleman's 1995 book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.
Essentially, your EQ is your "emotional IQ." Your EQ affects every aspect of your life, from your basic human emotions to the way you relate with others. This is because the extent to which you know how to read people, including yourself, defines the extent to which you will have peace, love, joy, or chaos in your life.
Five emotional reactions that can tell you how emotionally intelligent someone is
According to Goleman in a 1998 article, emotional intelligence is made up of five distinct components. Look for these signs in yourself first, and then you can start looking for them in others.
1. Self-awareness
Goleman explains that self-awareness is the "ability to recognize and understand your moods, emotions, and drives," not only how they affect you but how they affect others as well. Signs of high self-awareness include "self-confidence, realistic self-assessment, and a self-deprecating sense of humor."
Examples: Look for someone who can talk about their internal experiences beyond just "happy' or "angry". A few examples might be someone saying, "I haven't eaten in a few hours and I get hangry" or "I can get a little sensitive to people getting in my space because I grew up with older brothers who picked on me".
2. Self-regulation
Goleman defines self-regulation as "The ability to control or redirect disruptive impulses and moods" and "The propensity to suspend judgment — to think before acting." Signs of self-regulation to look for in yourself include "Trustworthiness and integrity, comfort with ambiguity, and openness to change."
Examples: In the above examples, the person may show self-regulation by saying, "I'm going to get a quick snack so I don't get grumpy" or "I might step outside if I feel crowded by people."
3. Motivation
Motivation is "A passion to work for reasons that go beyond money or status and a propensity to pursue goals with energy and persistence," according to Goleman. Key signs of motivation include a "Strong drive to achieve, optimism (even in the face of failure), and organizational commitment."
Examples: Someone with high EQ recognizes that their goals require action and the ability to adapt. If they want to build a romantic relationship with someone, they'll be clear, consistent and attentive. If they want to change careers, they'll actively look into what's required and start working toward those goals rather than simply hoping things will go well.
4. Empathy
According to Goleman, empathy is "The ability to understand the emotional makeup of other people," and subsequently "Skill in treating people according to their emotional reactions."
Examples: In the examples of feeling hangry or being uncomfortable with crowds, someone might show empathy by saying, "I know it's hard to be around someone who gets grumpy when they're hungry" or "I don't want you to worry if I disappear if it gets crowded, so I'll let you know if I step outside."
5. Social skills
Lastly, social skills are a huge part of emotional intelligence.
Of course, not everyone is naturally gifted in social skills, but that doesn't mean those people are doomed to poor social intelligence. Almost anyone can learn to look for social cues and react to them with empathy.
Examples: Look for a willingness to interact in ways that make people feel comfortable, while still being authentic. They look at how people in the room are receiving the energy and behaviors they're putting forth and reacting if people react poorly.
Understanding your own EQ is critical, too
It affects everything you do in life, as well as all of your relationships.
If you have a poor EQ, your emotions may get in the way of your relationships, which could mean the loss of connection with family members, friends, loved ones, or even jobs. If you have an average EQ, your life may run smoothly most of the time, but emotional issues are likely to crop up every once in a while.
And if you have an excellent EQ, life is likely to be intentional and exceptional for you. You accept, value, and acknowledge your emotions while keeping them in perspective. You are also able to help others control their emotions through the manner in which you interact with them.
Your EQ is important because your emotions are a valuable part of who you are at your core. Enjoy your emotions, keep them in perspective and allow them to help others.
Audrey Tait is a counselor, dietitian, author, and founder of Inspirational Insights Counseling, Inc. She helps people overcome addictions, eating disorders, and create positive affirmations in their lives.
