10 Signs You’re The Person Everyone Goes To, But No One Checks On
Being the go-to therapist isn't easy.
matsiukpavel | Shutterstock There's always that one person who's known as the go-to therapist. From being there for their loved ones at one in the morning to always listening without complaint, there are many signs you're the person everyone goes to, but no one checks on.
Now, in the beginning, being the go-to therapist might not seem like a huge deal. Wanting to be there for friends, you'd gladly give up a few hours of sleep or 'me time' if it meant bringing some comfort into their lives. However, as time continues, being the only person people go to is bound to wear even the strongest people down. This is why it's important to know when you're over-extending yourself and, most importantly, when you're in a one-sided relationship or friendship.
10 signs you're the person everyone goes to, but no one checks on:
1. You're always giving advice
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The first sign that you're the person everyone goes to, but no one checks on, is if you're always giving advice. There's nothing wrong with offering advice from time to time. Friends and family might need your help to guide them through tough situations. However, there comes a point when advising others becomes a bit excessive.
From listening to them scream and cry at three in the morning to showing up for a night out only to have it turn into a therapy session more often than not, this is a huge sign that you're the person people go to but rarely check on. At the moment, being the go-to therapist might not seem like a huge deal. If you're kind-hearted, you might even justify it by saying people need you and that it's no big deal.
Yet, according to Professor Bobby Hoffman, Ph.D., "However, when assistance is offered without a commensurate exchange of appreciation or reciprocation, it can sow the seeds of resentment in the heart of the benefactor." With this in mind, don't be afraid to set firm boundaries.
For instance, saying, "Hey, I'm feeling a bit unwell right now and unfortunately, I don't think I'm in the headspace to hear this right now," you can set your boundaries while remaining respectfully honest. Now, is this uncomfortable for most people? Absolutely. However, by being honest, you can take better care of your own health, which should always be your top priority.
2. You feel drained
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You get eight hours of sleep, eat well, manage your work-life balance, and exercise regularly. So, why do you still feel exhausted, regardless of how much self-care you engage in? It's unfortunate, but if you constantly feel drained, it may indicate that you are the person everyone turns to, yet no one checks in on.
At some point, it's important to establish firm boundaries regarding what you can and cannot accept. Yet, for many people, doing this isn't always easy. According to a survey from YouGov, 48% of Americans identify as people-pleasers, with women identifying at 52%, compared to men, who identify at 44%.
With most people struggling to establish boundaries, feeling drained is a given. After all, if you aren't prioritizing your mental health, how can you expect to feel reenergized and content? So, even if it's hard, finding ways to establish those boundaries is necessary. Whether this means muting your phone after a certain time, shutting down mentally draining conversations, cutting off people who aren't respecting your limits, or finding small ways to slowly implement boundaries, starting is the first step to achieving.
3. You find yourself listening more than talking
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When in a conversation with someone, how often do you speak? Do you find the conversation fifty-fifty or listen more than you find yourself talking? It might feel surprising, but one sign that you're someone people rely on is that they often overlook whether you’re listening more than you’re speaking.
People who care about you want to hear what you say. Instead of focusing most of the conversation on their problems, people who care will try to include you in the discussion. This might mean asking you about similar experiences or just allowing you to share your thoughts. In a mutual relationship, there should be an equal amount of give and take.
This is important, as licensed psychotherapist Sherry Gaba, LCSW, explained, "Healthy relationships are designed to be a give and take, with both partners working together to provide support, encouragement, and compassion during times of challenge, sadness, or problems." With this in mind, being the designated therapist often means listening while the other person drones on and on about the same old issue, while effectively ignoring your own needs. So, if you're always silent around one person, be wary: the relationship might be one-sided.
4. You can't remember the last time someone asked about you
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Most people know the unspoken rules of conversing with others. From never being on their phones to nodding to show that you're listening, these rules are implemented to keep things respectful and pleasant.
Yet, this extends beyond just behavior. Depending on where you live, certain phrases are often more about politeness than genuine curiosity. So, if you notice that you're the person everyone turns to for help but can't remember the last time someone asked how you were doing and truly listened, it might be a sign. Asking how you are doing is another form of politeness people use when greeting another. Most people don't honestly care and use it to start a conversation.
This means that if someone asks this, you shouldn't use it as a gauge for how much they care for you. Instead, people must observe their behavior before figuring out where they stand in people's lives. So, do they ask this, nod, and immediately go into their own problems? Or, do they truly listen, ask further questions, and keep their attention on you? Observing these differences can better show you if you're in an equal give and take relationship or if you're the person everyone goes to, but no one checks on.
5. You never say 'no'
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Many people struggle to say no to others. With your heart of gold and people-pleasing tendencies, whenever a friend or family member calls on you, even if it's at three in the morning, you almost always find yourself being there for them. However, this behavior isn't healthy; it suggests that you're the person everyone relies on, yet no one checks in on you if you always find yourself unable to say no.
Let's face it: while people-pleasing tendencies might be normal, it doesn't make it right. Many of you allow your love for others to blind side you into willingly accepting whatever it is your loved one's need, without ever considering what it is you need. And while you might have the best intentions, never saying no is bound to make you resentful.
This isn't great, as feeling resentful can manifest into acting with contempt, leading to strain in your relationship with others. So, to fix this, be sure to put firm boundaries in place. Whether this means refusing to answer the phone after a certain hour, refusing to give people an answer upfront, or saying 'I'll think about it' instead of readily agreeing, learning to implement tiny boundaries is the best way to build resilience and confidence to put your foot down.
6. You're the one everyone calls or texts
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Whether you're in a relationship or a friendship, there's a need for give and take. From planning out hangouts to text messaging, each person should be pulling their weight. Unfortunately, many of you fall into this trap where you're the only one putting in effort, which is just another classic sign you're the one everyone goes to, but no one checks on.
Most people want to feel loved and cherished in their friendships or romantic relationships. Yet, always being the one to contact someone first can easily make you feel unwanted and rejected. This isn't great, as feeling socially rejected can lead to anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy, and sadness, according to the American Psychological Association.
Even so, most people who are only using you for a free therapy session don't care about the impact it has on you. As long as they can meet their needs, they won't bother to contact you first. So, while you might want to continue clinging to the relationship and the good times you had, in the end, it's better to look out for your mental health by cutting that person off.
7. You feel like you can't be vulnerable with others
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Believe it or not, most people don't find comfort in vulnerability. Despite how close you might be with someone, it takes a certain amount of courage and inner strength to say what's on your mind without faltering. That said, if you truly feel loved and cherished, you won't find it hard to open up and express yourself more slowly.
But a sign you're the person everyone goes to but no one checks on is if you feel like you can't be vulnerable with your loved ones. Because they make everything about themselves, you rarely have time to express your thoughts or catch up with them about your life.
Since they choose to only talk about themselves, you might not feel comfortable opening up because you truly don't feel like they'd care. Now, you might act nonchalantly on the outside as you believe it doesn't bother you. However, feeling unloved by someone you hold dearly can lead to isolation and suppression of your emotions. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, suppressing emotions leaves the negative emotions intact while completely eliminating positive ones. So, while you might have the best intentions, remember: hiding your feelings and thoughts will only impact you for the worse.
8. You don't feel like people support your successes
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It's unfortunate, but many of you probably can't remember the last time a friend, family member, or lover celebrated your successes. From graduating from college to getting a job promotion, a sign you're the person everyone goes to, but no one checks on, is if you can't remember the last time someone celebrated your successes.
They might not throw a huge party or get you an expensive gift, but people who value you and check in on you will always remember to congratulate you and celebrate your wins. No matter how small these wins seem, your loved ones will cheer you on.
Conversely, those who are simply using you or never checking in on you will almost always forget your big milestones. From your birthday to making straight A's, those who don't care will almost always brush your accomplishments aside.
9. You feel anxious all the time
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After giving so much of yourself to other people, it's only normal that your mental health would take a turn for the worse. From stressing about your friend's finances to worrying about their relationships, you simultaneously take on all the stress of multiple people. And at the start, it might not have bothered you as you were so consumed in wanting to help others that you didn't think about your boundaries and needs.
However, as time passes, a sign you're the person everyone goes to, but no one checks on, is if you always feel anxious. Despite what social media may say, feeling anxious every day isn't normal. Whether job-related or relationship-related, anything causing you to feel nervous should be evaluated carefully, as it can reveal many things.
For some, you might find an unequal balance in your friendship as you're always playing hero. Or, you might figure out that you're slowly beginning to feel drained as your friend always puts their mental health into your hands. Either way, figuring out who and what they're doing that's causing you anxiety is important, otherwise, your anxiety will only continue to get worse, impacting other areas of your life for the worse.
10. You feel disconnected from everyone else
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Finally, the last sign that you're the person everyone goes to, but no one checks on, is if you feel disconnected from others. Most people crave to feel connected to others. Like it or not, human nature calls on you to find community with others, since human beings are meant to be social creatures in the first place.
However, life has changed significantly, even in the past twenty years. What used to be a give-and-take has turned into people no longer knowing how to function properly in any relationship. From platonic to familial, many are struggling to do the basics, like texting back at a reasonable hour or ensuring that both people have a chance to talk.
As a result, many of you are slowly beginning to feel disconnected from others. You are so used to giving rather than receiving that your energy has all but run out. Now, you no longer feel joy when you think about your loved ones, a sign that something is heavily wrong in your relationships.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
