If These 10 Things Feel 'Normal,' You Might Be In A Codependent Friendship
The friendship doesn't benefit you.
Yurri Papushoi | Unsplash While "codependency" typically gets discussed in romantic relationships, codependent friendships are just as real and just as damaging. Unlike a typical favor gone unreturned, a codependent friendship involves a long pattern of one-sided giving, where you pour everything into supporting a friend while your own needs go unmet.
In a codependent friendship, the imbalance often masquerades as care. You feel like a hero stepping in to help, but over time, that role becomes exhausting. The friendship becomes conditional, built on the need to be needed rather than genuine mutual support. You find yourself dropping everything to handle their crises, yet asking for help leaves you feeling guilty and ashamed.
The truth is, what started as a happy friendship can gradually transform into something dysfunctional where you've lost yourself entirely. You become their emotional support system, but the reciprocity never materializes. Once you recognize this imbalance, it's essential to address it, both for your wellbeing and for the friendship itself.
If these 10 things feel 'normal,' you might be in a codependent Friendship:
1. You put your friend’s needs before your own
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This is the most important sign to realize because you’ll notice that this keeps happening. You've been ignoring your own needs and feelings over those of your friend.
You're always worried and concerned about what they need and want, and you never get that in return from your friend for your own needs and wants. It’s a very one-sided relationship.
Your needs matter. If your friend doesn't seem to care or can't be bothered to help in your time of need, it's not a healthy friendship.
2. You are your friend’s primary source of emotional support
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You're the one who's there for emotional support, and you like to be there for your friend. However, this becomes a problem when it’s always pushed onto you to support and boost your friend's mood.
You've dropped everything in your life at least once to deal with their problems. Now, you're their emotional support; you're there for them when they need it.
It’s hard to realize this because you think it’s what you want, but you have no idea what you're doing to yourself; it’s a completely unconscious behavior.
Being someone's sole source of emotional support and regulation is as unhealthy for them as it is for you. Putting some distance between you for a little while might help.
Set boundaries, like you won't answer texts or calls after a certain hour in the evening. Or, that you won't just go to rescue them every time they need it.
Be impartial when they're talking about an argument they had with someone if you really feel the other person's point was valid.
Don't just assuage their ego to make your friend feel better. Research stresses that a truly healthy friendship involves mutual, balanced support and respecting individual boundaries.
3. You feel jealous if your friend spends time with other friends
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Your need to support and be there for your friend 24/7 makes you become jealous when they decide to hang out with others; it's because all your efforts aren’t being appreciated. When you have a need for help, reaching out leaves you feeling guilty and shameful. However, it’s also because this friendship has made you jealous of their other friends.
You may feel worried that they'll start to rely on someone else for help and support instead of you. These are likely fears driven by abandonment issues in your life, and you should spend time speaking with a therapist to feel better.
4. You give up other friendships and time with family to be with your friend
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You’re so invested in this friendship that you don’t even realize it's split you apart from your other friends and even your family. This friend has emotionally and mentally changed you for the worse, and this is a very alarming sign.
Have you canceled plans with other people when your friend calls last minute after their plans fell through? Do you find yourself constantly wondering what they're up to and wishing you could be around them?
Do you get the fear that they're having fun without you, and distance yourself from family and friends to be involved in their lives? These signs imply that you've got an unhealthy friendship.
Codependency is often rooted in poor boundaries. Healthy friendships foster independence and respect for each other's other relationships, interests, and time, one study suggested.
5. You let them make decisions for you
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Your friend can convince you to do practically anything, even things you'd normally never do. You're so afraid of them leaving you behind that you'll agree to whatever they propose.
Sometimes, this may get you into trouble. Perhaps they're suggesting you spend money on an apartment you can't afford, or get a job you don't want, or date someone you don't really like because they think it would be "cute."
Any time you are allowing someone else to make decisions on your part, big or small, you're giving over control to them and perpetuating a codependent friendship. Because you're going along with it willingly, you may not even realize you're letting yourself be bullied into someone else's choices for your life.
If you’re making decisions on the sole merit that your choice will please your friend, and you're not listening to your own needs and wants, that’s unhealthy.
6. You feel emotionally exhausted after seeing each other
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You've been in an unhealthy downward spiral with this person for months or even years. You're constantly wearing yourself out to make them happy. Because a codependent friendship consumes all your time and energy, it means you may feel completely emotionally exhausted and empty after seeing your friend.
After everything you do for your friend and for each other, your codependency can cause a burnout unlike any other. Not only do you feel drained, but your mental capacity may be diminished, meaning you're unable to accomplish the tasks that are important to you.
Essentially, you're letting this friendship suck the life force out of you each and every time you hang out. The need to please or the fear of conflict can make it hard to establish boundaries, leading to you overextending yourself for the friend's needs, research has argued.
7. You feel used
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When your friend always calls on you in their times of need — which, let's be honest, is all the time — you might show up to help them through it. But when all is said and done, they could brush you off, particularly when you need support.
You start to feel used when your friend constantly has high expectations for you; they expect you to drop everything and cater to their every whim. This is a 'friendship' that has the end-goal of needing to be needed, and, as such, can lead to feelings of resentment or betrayal.
Eventually, that feeling of being used can turn into resentment, guilt or shame towards this person who is supposed to care about you. And you may come to realize that this relationship is strictly conditional.
8. You hide your true self from them
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In a true, healthy friendship, you can be your complete self around this other person. Even the parts of you that you don't like, you aren't afraid to show. Your once happy and fun friendship turned into a dysfunctional relationship where you lost yourself.
But in a codependent relationship like this, the personality you show is limited. There may be a "script" you stick to around your friend, or you portray a persona to help you deal with the difficulties of navigating this so-called friendship.
Perhaps this means not letting your friend know about your secret talents, your interests, or even your core values. The friendship is surface-level, meaning it's not authentic or genuine. According to an article by the University of Michigan, the relationship becomes focused on meeting the other person's needs and maintaining their approval.
9. Other people have noticed your dependency on one another
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Where you used to spend time with your family and friends, you now dedicate that time to your friend, and only your friend. And though you may not realize it's a problem, your loved ones do.
They may make attempts to talk some sense into you, or get more information about why you're really staying in this friendship.
Either way, the way you're acting has them convinced that you've become a completely different person. In your familial relationships, especially, the love and care you once showed is no longer there. And it's a cause for concern.
10. You find yourself apologizing for things out of your control
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In healthy friendships, there is no power dynamic; rather, friends have normal expectations for one another and don't make the other feel guilty for not living up to these expectations. Codependent friends, on the other hand, find themselves walking on eggshells in an attempt to keep the peace.
If you have an argument or disagreement, you might apologize so your friend doesn't get mad, even if it's something out of your control. Your friend hasn't gotten their way, yet you're the one left saying sorry. If that behavior doesn't sound healthy, that's because it's not.
Megan Hatch is a former contributor to YourTango who has had bylines on Medium, Buzzfeed, MSN Canada, Patch, Voice of America, Canyon News, and others.
