16 Resilience Experts Share The #1 Thing They Do When They Fail That Actually Helps
VH-studio | Shutterstock Many consider Michael Jordan the greatest basketball player in history. However, during his sophomore year of high school, he was famously relegated to the junior varsity team. Meanwhile, Oprah Winfrey walked away from a stalled career as a local TV news anchor. Steve Jobs once ran out of power at Apple. Orville and Wilbur Wright tested more than 200 wing and airfoil models before settling on the design that enabled the first human flight.
The point is, failure is for the famous as well as the anonymous. It's good that Oprah found her true calling as a talk show host; that Steve Jobs triumphantly returned to Apple more inspired than ever; and that the Wright brothers didn't give up at 199 imperfect wing designs. For them, and us, failure is a feature, not a flaw. Without failure, how would we appreciate success?
The question isn't why we failed, but this: How can we make the most of failure? Research by the University of Chicago found that before you can learn the lessons failure teaches, though, you have to summon the resilience to overcome it. With that goal in mind, we asked mental health and relationship experts to share their top tips for overcoming failure. Their answers are below.
Resilience experts share what they do when they fail:
1. Don't let it define you
Beyond the obvious lesson, reframe the "failure" as temporary, not so personal, and not a definition of who you are. Happy high achievers become experts at seeing setbacks as impermanent and not so personal as to define who they are.
This lets them draw on strengths from past wins, connect to what matters most in the long run, and grow. "Failure" is just another data point on the path to figuring out what works for you.
—Cynthia Ackrill, MD, PCC
2. Don't suppress your feelings about it
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Shame often keeps us from doing one of the most important healing acts. Share with a loved one, trusted friend, or therapist for guidance or feedback. Take a deep breath and do something positive, like meditate or exercise. Give to someone else. Learn from what you consider your mistake and move on.
—Dr. Dorree Lynn, psychotherapist
3. Change your perspective
I believe the best way to overcome failure is to shift perspective and beliefs about failing. Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that have not worked.”
A perspective shift lets us see failure differently. We often perceive failure as personal, as "I am a failure" instead of "I have failed at this attempt." Distorted thoughts can follow, triggering memories of all the other times we have failed.
Changing our perspective on failure lets us keep growing, changing, and achieving. We need to acknowledge, process, work through, and release the sadness and disappointment tied to failure. Then get back up and try again.
—Dr. Susan Pazak, clinical psychologist and life coach
4. Deny that failure exists
The number one way to overcome failure is to understand that there is no such thing as failure. The word FAIL is an acronym that stands for Freedom to Assess Intended Learning.
—Lizabeth McGough-Olszewski, non-profit founder and speaker
5. Remember that your value is not attached to success or failure
Remind yourself that this failure does not define you. Neither your failures nor your successes define you; they may mark defining moments, and you are far more dynamic and complex than one event can capture.
—Angela Bixby, founder, Energy Intuit
6. Laugh at failure
After you have been sad, then angry, then grieved, I suggest my patients, family, and friends laugh. Yes, laugh, and by laughing, release your frustrations and self-doubt, and celebrate your desire to push for something you believe in.
—Patricia O'Gorman, psychologist, life coach, best-selling author
7. Accept a period of trial and error
Failure is an inevitable stop on the way to success. Think about a small child. We could sit the child down and explain how walking works. We could show diagrams and pictures and endlessly discuss balance and gravity, but that’s not how the child will learn to walk.
They will fall, again and again, and again. Our failures build the stairs to success. No one in history set out to do something amazing and then just did it. There was endless trial and error. Failure is not a destination. It is a stepping stone.
—Erika Jordan, love coach, NLP
8. Cultivate a growth mindset
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The most effective way to overcome failure is to develop a growth mindset. This involves changing the perception of failure from a negative, discouraging experience to an opportunity to learn and grow. Viewed this way, mistakes are less destructive and can instead become important learning experiences.
Acknowledging the valuable lessons and focusing on areas for improvement can help individuals recover more quickly from their missteps and ultimately lead to greater success in the future.
—Clare Waismann, M-RAS/ SUDCC II
9. Learn the lesson
To transcend failure, ask yourself, "What's the most important lesson I can learn from it, and how will I apply it in the future?"
—Ruth Schimel, career and life management consultant, author
10. Don't give up
A change of mindset is needed. I see failure as happening in only one instance: when we don't succeed at something and then give up and never try again.
What many people see as failure can be a learning experience, a step toward a bigger success than we originally planned. Many, if not all, successful people have "failed." But they went on to create something extraordinary.
—TJ Price, psychologist
11. Don't be afraid to fail
The most effective way to overcome failure is to first ensure that you failed. We all buy into our interpretations, judgments, and mental stories. But when you treat those things as factual predictors of success, you may convince yourself you've failed before you've really applied yourself.
So rather than failing, you're fearing failure. To overcome this self-sabotaging kind of failure, notice when you're stuck in your head, then bravely and creatively pursue what matters to you.
—Amanda Savage Brown, Ph.D., LCSW
12. Use the experience to avoid future errors
Recognize that failure is part of the learning process. Look at what didn't work and try again.
—Susan Kulakowski, Consultant
13. Never stop creating
Change your mindset about it. If you failed at something, it means you tried. Trying means you're an active creator of your life. Take the information from the failures and keep trying, keep creating. That is how we cultivate a fulfilling life.
—Suzanne Manser, Ph.D., psychologist
14. Come back stronger and smarter
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Overcome or come back? It's a perception, a mindset. When you stop seeing "failure" as something to overcome and start seeing it as something to learn from, you see it as an opportunity.
When you begin your next effort with gratitude for what you have gained, acknowledging the people, things, and lessons—even the difficult ones—you are already writing your comeback story. We all fall in life, so learn to fall forward.
—Ann Papayoti, CPC, life and relationship coach
15. Embrace setbacks and stay brave
The most effective way to overcome failure is to embrace failure. Accept that perfection doesn’t exist and that screwing up is part of being human. Expect to make mistakes and fail fast.
No one stays down forever. Use that time to dig deep, take the lessons, and find the unexpected gifts that failure brings. Summon the courage to keep going, and live life fully, even through the low times. Success is even sweeter on the way up.
—Lisa Petsinis, career and life coach
16. Neither blame nor judge yourself
The best way to overcome failure is to remember that you are not your failures; they don’t define you. All our life experiences contribute to our growth and evolution. The most painful ones are often the most valuable.
Didn’t you get the job you wanted? Acknowledge the disappointment, but know a good job is still out there for you to find.
Have a trusted professional review your resume or do some practice interviews with you. Every so-called failure offers learning opportunities. When we use those instead of blaming and judging ourselves, we succeed.
—Dona Murphy, Tarot reader and coach
Carter Gaddis is a writer and editor who spent 24 years as an award-winning sportswriter for Florida newspapers and various online publications, including ESPN, Parenting Magazine, and the St. Petersburg Times.
