The Art Of Grit: 10 Simple Habits That Help You Bounce Back From Anything
Evan Mach | Unsplash When you have failed and you have dug yourself a very deep hole, it will feel like things are over. Crawling out one more time will feel exhausting, endless, discouraging, and hopeless.
I don’t know who said it, but it is true that you learn more from your failures than you do from your successes. An essential part of growing up, and being able to mature in your career, your mental health, and your overall outlook is to learn to see all of your efforts as workable. Especially your failures.
Failure is not an endpoint. Failure is workable, it is learning, and it is one of the best ways that you can grow. In reality, failure demonstrates that you are exactly where you need to be.
I admit, it is tough to fail but not see yourself as a failure. The businesses that I started above never really affected me because I invested very little of my self-worth. For some reason, these ventures quickly reached the ticked-off level, and I cut my losses.
Other career lessons were tougher to work through. I went through several stints as a clergy, until I realized that no, this career path is not for me. That one took me about four years. Then, three years ago, I took on a job as a manager. While I learned many incredible lessons, I eventually left the role. I was not a failure at it, but I didn’t do as well as I had hoped.
These job roles carry a sting of regret for me, mostly because the roles impacted other people. Failing at a business that only affects me is easy. But failing at a role as a leader is harder. Working through the emotional leftovers from failure can be difficult. Psychologists call it an “adjustment disorder” when you experience a short situational depression after a specific event, loss, or personal failure. Most times, people adjust, learn from it, and then move on.
Our ability to make use of our failures is probably the most important aspect of growing up. Even though it may take time to work through your emotional baggage, learning from your failure can become second nature. You can learn from your failures, or you can just settle into it and conclude that you suck at things. You miss out on what failure can teach you when you don't do these things.
Here are 10 simple habits that help you bounce back from anything:
1. Stop seeing yourself as a failure
You may have fallen, failed, blown it, or relapsed. That does not mean that you are: fallen, a failure, an idiot, or an addict (once again). Get over yourself.
Research from the Journal of Happiness Studies found that self-compassion increases a person's ability to adapt to failure by helping people separate their identity from their mistakes. When you practice self-kindness after failing, you're more likely to see setbacks as temporary events rather than permanent character flaws.
2. Take calculated risks
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Go ahead, take time to learn from your failures. But then get back up and keep at it. A study on entrepreneurial resilience found that emotional resilience allows people to view failures as learning experiences and persist despite challenges. This ability to bounce back makes people more willing to try again instead of staying stuck in fear.
3. Let go of past failure
Sure, you have blown it and screwed things up. So has everyone else around you. Be easy on yourself. Self-compassion research shows that treating yourself kindly after mistakes reduces rumination and self-criticism. People who practice self-compassion acknowledge negative feelings but don't become consumed with ruminating about what went wrong.
4. Recognize your strengths
You may have blown it, but you are much, much bigger than one failure or a series of failures. Focusing on the capabilities you do have leads to increased resilience and better overall well-being, strength-based research has found. People who identify and use their personal strengths experience a stronger sense of meaning and purpose even while working through difficulties.
5. Find opportunities in setbacks
It can become part of a new sense of meaning, strength, or better ideas. But if you get stuck seeing yourself as a failure, you will miss out on growth and any ideas. And if you are not ready for the ideas, they will just go on their merry way to find someone else who is finished feeling like they suck.
Research found that people who fully explore their thoughts and feelings after adversity are more likely to find new meaning in difficult experiences. Their studies show that cognitive exploration after setbacks increases the likelihood of discovering personal strength and new possibilities.
6. Extract lessons from failure
Each failure is like another course in your personal MBA. Sucking won’t suck as much when you learn something from it. Uncovering reasons for setbacks increases information exploration about what could be done differently in the future, research has concluded. This process of understanding why something didn't work helps people make better decisions moving forward.
7. Practice humility
Say “I’m sorry” to yourself, your family, your staff, and your coworkers. Then move on. Being humble and admitting that you blew it is the first step to rebuilding your self-respect.
Research found that people with greater humility offer higher-quality apologies because they come from a non-defensive position that promotes respect for others. Sincere apologies restore self-respect and dignity by acknowledging wrongdoing and demonstrating the courage to admit mistakes.
8. Reject the rock bottom myth
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In recovery circles, there is an idea that has zero research to back it up, but it feels real: In order to recover, you have to hit rock bottom. Lies. This week, you hit rock bottom. Then next week a little lower. Then next month, even lower. Which one is the real ‘rock bottom?’
Truth is, wherever you are today can be your ‘rock bottom.’ You don’t have to go any lower. You can learn, change, start, begin, or get to it today. You don’t have to crash in the worst, most devastating, most life-altering way to make change happen. If you really want to be a disaster, go ahead, but you will just cause yourself unnecessary pain and suffering.
9. Apply your therapy lessons
Okay, I am an Addiction Therapist, so I get paid for people to come and talk about their failures and make sense of how to grow through it all. There is a time to go for therapy, and then there is a time to just do the work. Sometimes you really need a therapist, and other times, you just need to take it in and make some new decisions.
Research suggests that the person seeking support contributes as much to a successful outcome as the practitioner or their techniques. This means that translating what you learn in therapy into daily action is just as important as the insights themselves.
10. Know that failure won't define you
If you make a decision that blows your reputation in your department, remember, there are other departments out there. The economy is tough, but there are other jobs. You may have failed at 10 stupid businesses, but you can start up one more, or apply the lessons that you have learned to be a better person, staff member, advisor, leader, or writer.
One of the greatest failures we can make is when we reach a plateau and conclude that because we can’t go any ‘higher up,’ that’s it. Bull. If you can’t grow “upwards,” then be creative. Grow ‘outward’ instead. Learn all that you can in your current position. Refuse to be pigeonholed.
If you learn more and grow, you will eventually outgrow a bad reputation. You may need to leave, but you can leave with your head held high.
I have blown it. I have sucked. I have fallen into the mud and stayed there too long. You too? So what? Get up. Learn from it. Grow. You are not done yet. You cannot control your future, your past, your clients, your colleagues, or your boss. But you can learn from your failures. So go ahead and suck at things. One of the greatest things you can do is embrace your accidents.
Sean Swaby is a former writer and editor for the Good Men Project, and is an International Certified Clinical Addiction Therapist.
