Psychology Says This Difficult Skill Is Only Shared Among Highly Intelligent People
Alan Garzon | Pexels We all want to be liked. It means safety, gifts, validation, and a sense of confidence. I can relate. Over the last 37 years, my actions have been influenced by a deep need to be liked.
It’s why social media works so well. We get a very real hit of dopamine when someone likes our posts or smiles at us in the street. We’re not far off from those rats from the Olds and Milner's 1954 brain-stimulation experiment.
In the experiment, the rats would press a lever for dopamine until they eventually collapsed from exhaustion. They had found something better than food and water. This is what a "like" feels like in miniature.
Negativity bias, as documented in Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, is when your brain registers and holds onto negative information more intensely than positive information, where ten compliments will be forgotten by morning, but one insult will stick with you for several months. But in our need to be liked, we also introduce a dangerous mechanism into our lives.
Psychology says that highly intelligent people have mastered the difficult skill of being okay with rejection
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Why? If we rely on other people to feel good, other people have the power to make us feel bad, too
We are at the mercy of the external. This is death to self-expression, creativity, and ongoing happiness.
The effects of social rejection don't stop with the emotional impact. According to UCLA neuroscientist Naomi Eisenberger, being rejected activates the same brain regions as physical pain. Have you ever felt your chest hurt when you get snubbed? That's your brain processing the experience the way it would process a physical injury.
Where does this fear of rejection come from? One study traced it to events in your childhood and adolescence. Your nervous system remembers each time you got picked last, or weren't invited to an outing with your friends.
But it’s all about perspective. The minute we realize that other people’s opinions have absolutely no bearing on our self-worth, we’re free. We’re free to act without the fear of painful repercussions, that illusory sense that we have esteem or 'worth' is close. There is no connection.
Share your art. Walk up to new people. Ask for help. Publish that article. Sell your services at high prices. Get on a stage. Our self-esteem is endless and abundant when we allow it to flow through us like a river after a torrential downpour.
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If you can be okay with the idea of being disliked, nothing can stop you
Embracing rejection is a practice, a habit, an unwiring. But you’ve already made 90% of the progress you need through understanding that your confidence is based on you, not anyone else.
Life can only improve once you step out of your comfort zone. Cornell University researchers have determined that to grow in life, people must put themselves in situations that may feel daunting. Personally, my life and confidence exploded when my creative output exploded. If you aren’t expanding, you’re contracting.
Be okay with being disliked, and in the void left by criticism, self-compassion becomes our default — to love who we are comes without effort or intervention.
Alex Mathers is a writer and coach who helps you build a money-making personal brand with your knowledge and skills while staying mentally resilient.
