People Who Don’t Have Your Best Interests At Heart Often Do These 11 Things
kudla / Shutterstock Many of us meet each stranger we encounter with good intentions. Studies have shown that the human brain is prone to trusting others, so we don’t always assume they're entering our lives to do us wrong. Sadly, some people become your friend only when it benefits them.
This type of person does not have your best interest at heart. They often look for what they can get out of the relationship. In that moment, they could use a good friend. When you’re in the same position of needing a shoulder to cry on, they may push you away or refuse to be there when you need them. This is an obvious sign that they do not have your best interests at heart. Instead of looking out for you, they are only looking out for themselves. It may be hard to spot a bad friend like this, but if you know what behavior to look out for, it will become more obvious.
People who don’t have your best interests at heart often do these 11 things
1. They are only there when it's convenient for them
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We have all experienced wishy-washy friends. They’re right there when it is convenient for them, but the second things get complicated, they’re nowhere to be found. When things are going well in your life, they are around to reap the benefits. However, if you start to struggle, they’re suddenly gone. When you need a friend the most, they back off because your emotions are inconvenient for them.
Someone like this is only in it for the good times. They love having fun with you. It’s easy for them to show up when everything is good. What matters is who is there when things go south. If they’re only around for the good, they do not have your best interests at heart.
2. They talk about you behind your back
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Rumors can spread like wildfire. Sometimes, the people talking about you behind your back are the ones you trust. If someone comes to you and tells you someone was gossiping about you, it’s clear they do not have your best interest at heart. This is malicious behavior. They want to turn others against you when they participate in this behavior. Instead of being a good friend, they are talking negatively about you to anyone who will listen.
Often, the person who is speaking poorly of you to others believes they will get away with it. However, it’s not uncommon for the word to get back to you. If this happens, it’s time to consider whether your friendship with them is genuine.
3. They dismiss your feelings
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Has someone’s behavior ever heavily affected your mental health? I know that’s happened to me. When this occurs, you may want to talk to them about it. If they blow you off or play the victim, they do not have your best interest at heart. A good friend will want to hear you out and will try to improve their behavior. It’s a sign of a bad friend if they dismiss your feelings.
Sometimes, this person’s dismissal of your feelings will come when you are trying to open up to them. If you are going through a difficult time and need someone to talk to, but they tell you that what you’re going through isn’t a big deal, it’s obvious they are not a good friend. This is emotional invalidation, and it can leave you frustrated and confused.
4. They’re supportive when they can get something out of it
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We all have something to offer other people. It’s what helps us form healthy relationships. Whether it’s a listening ear or a confidence boost, little things help us create strong bonds. However, some friends are selfish. Instead of giving mutually, they are looking to take from you. They are less interested in being there for you and more invested in how you can help them.
Some people are truly self-centered. They see their lives as the only priority. This type of friend will drain you. They only have their own best interests at heart.
5. They make backhanded comments
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Backhanded comments are cruel. They may try to mask their distaste with a compliment. However, how it’s delivered, and the true meaning behind their words can make it clear that they are trying to hurt you, not compliment you. When this happens, it can damage your self-esteem. You’ll wonder why they feel the need to be abrasive.
“As a type of insincere compliment, a backhanded one must be distinguished from a different type of insincere compliment, namely flattery. Whereas the backhander banks on the compliment’s insincerity being detected (therein lies the sadistic fun), the flatterer hopes that it is not,” says Joachim I. Krueger, Ph.D.
6. They gossip about others to you
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How can you trust someone who is comfortable gossiping about others to you? You’ll often find yourself wondering if they talk about you behind your back. If someone is at ease talking poorly about others, it may be safe to assume they do the same to you when you are not around. Gossiping can be harmful to relationships. It may erode any trust you have over time.
Though getting caught up in gossip can be tempting, it’s a sign of a toxic friendship. Gossiping shows judgment, which is painful for the person on the receiving end. If someone has no issues talking poorly about others to you, they may not have your best interest at heart. You’ll be wondering what they are saying when you are not around.
7. They lower your self-esteem
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A good friend picks you up when you are down. They want to boost your confidence, especially when you need it most. Are you going through a breakup? A good friend is there to provide support and remind you of your worth. Someone who does not have your best interests at heart lowers your self-esteem. Instead of providing words of encouragement, they may leave you feeling worse about yourself. This type of friendship is exhausting. They do not care about your feelings.
It is hard to have high self-esteem. Between comparing ourselves to others and the pressure of social media, it can feel like a never-ending battle. Someone with bad intentions wants to bring you down.
8. They don’t respect your boundaries
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Boundaries are everything in a healthy relationship. We may think that they are only important in romantic relationships. However, maintaining a healthy balance with friends is just as important. Boundaries prevent us from getting burnt out. They protect our emotional well-being. It’s also the easiest way we can put our foot down when the relationship becomes one-sided. If someone refuses to take no for an answer or constantly brings up sensitive subjects, they do not have your best interests at heart.
Boundaries prevent us from getting burnt out. If someone is constantly stepping over them, they likely do not care about your emotional well-being.
9. Everything is always about them
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We have all had a friend who finds a way to bring every conversation back to themselves. They are full of energy when talking about themselves, but shut down when you bring up something. It’s not uncommon for someone to see themselves as the center of the universe. However, this behavior gets in the way of forming healthy friendships. They may dismiss your thoughts and feelings to shift the focus back to themselves.
When someone acts like this, it is hard not to take it personally. They seem to only care about themselves. By not being a good friend to you to maintain all eyes on them, it’s clear they do not have your best interests at heart.
10. They are disrespectful
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A good friend never degrades you. They are kind and thoughtful. They lift you up with their words. If someone is disrespectful, they may be intentionally trying to hurt you. They may say things that make you feel attacked. Their attitude may also be difficult to deal with. Disrespect is painful. It’s never easy to have someone in your life make you feel so small.
A disrespectful person is not a good friend. They know their behavior is hurtful, but it doesn’t stop them from doing it. Whether they put you down with their words or constantly blow you off, they are not the type of person you want in your life.
11. They drain your social battery
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Have you ever spent time with someone and felt exhausted after? It might be because of the conversation. If someone is constantly talking about themselves or complaining about everything under the sun, the conversation is difficult. Or, they disagreed with anything you said and tried to upset you the whole time. Whatever the reason is, their behavior completely wore you out. This is a sign that someone doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
Good friends leave you feeling recharged after spending time with them. They give you space to talk and support you in the process. Plus, you have a lot of fun with them. If someone is leaving you drained, they are far from a good person to have in your life.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
