People Who Are Exceptionally Good At Keeping Secrets Usually Do 7 Things When Gossip Starts
iona didishvili | Shutterstock When we know a secret but don’t want other people to find out, we need to find a way to redirect the gossip. This is a bit of a niche reference, but Dan Humphrey had this figured out from a young age, and he was very skilled at avoiding being noticed when gossip started.
While we're not going to do what Dan did (which was become Gossip Girl and start a column where we shared literally every secret we could find publicly) we can learn how to keep secrets and handle gossip like a pro, too. Since starting a gossip column isn't usually an option, the rest of us have to be more productive and find effective ways to keep secrets and not look like shallow back-stabbers.
What someone who's good at keeping secrets usually does when gossip starts:
1. Masterfully change the subject
People who are great at keeping secrets are masters at changing the subject. This sounds easier said than done, though. When we’re in a group of people that start to gossip about somebody that we know, sometimes we don’t want to be the one to change the subject because it may make us look weird.
For example, if somebody all of a sudden goes “I don’t want to talk about this” then not only does it kill the vibe, but it’s obvious you’re hiding somebody’s secret. Instead, these people find very nonchalant ways to change the subject.
One effective way to change the subject is to bring up something exciting that isn't really gossip. Something that happened to a celebrity that nobody knows is a good place to start or even a controversial social media. Whatever it is to get the target off the back of someone in your actual community or friend group.
2. Stay perfectly silent and neutral
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People who are good at keeping other people’s secrets will try to keep their reactions to a minimum when the gossip starts. If, for example, the person they are trying to protect comes up in conversations, they will try to not add to the gossip, especially if they know it is misinformation.
Some secrets are more harmful than others, but most people do keep some secrets for themselves and others. But not all secrets are toxic or gossip-y.
There are actually three main categories of secrets, according to experts:
- Immortality, meaning immoral thoughts one can only keep to themselves
- Connectedness, which is usually about intimate details of their relationships
- Insight, which is everything else that we need to keep confidential
When the secret will do nothing but make people’s lives worse, it’s important to stay neutral when gossiping.
3. They know to avoid adding their own details
It’s human nature to want to add on to people’s stories. When somebody says “did you hear about…” you normally want to say “oh my god that reminds me of…” However, when you’re trying to protect somebody or avoid becoming a gossip, people who are good at keeping secrets do neither.
Instead, the whole time, they likely want the conversation to end so the pressure is off. Because of that, they will avoid doing anything to prolong it in any way shape or form. If anything, they try to end it as quickly as possible.
4. They always protect the absent person
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If we’re keeping somebody’s secret, it’s normally because we are close to them and care for them. Therefore, when their name comes up in conversation, it feels very nerve-wracking.
We want to protect them in any way possible. People might not be expecting you to defend that person, but it’s important to do so. Sometimes just saying something like “Hey, I don’t agree with that” or "this isn't my thing, can we stop?" are phrases that can go a long way.
5. They don't use secrets to build closeness with randoms
When people say “I trust you with this information” it can feel like it’s building a close connection. This is a natural part of being human, but sometimes it’s a false sense of closeness, especially if you just met the person.
People who are good at keeping secrets respect that they were trusted with the information, and they don’t tell people’s secrets as a means to make friends. They have better ways of conecting with others and know that shallow gossip is the basis of a fake friendship.
6. They remember that gossip travels in both directions
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A very important life lesson to learn is that when somebody gossips about another person, they’re probably gossiping about you, too. This is why people who are trustworthy want others to feel safe in talking to them. They know that if they gossip, people will consider them a little shady.
Although gossip isn't always a bad thing, sometimes it can be. "When we gossip, we are fertilizing our minds with toxicity and judgment. We are much more likely to scrutinize ourselves when we are busy scrutinizing others. We are significantly more susceptible to self-centered fear and the obsession that others are going to gossip about us," Hannah Rose LCPC explains.
7. They don't confirm or deny anything
Another subtle way to avoid not spilling secrets is by not confirming or denying anything. For example, you can nod your head along so they keep telling their story, but if they ask you a direct question you can just say you don’t know.
This is a very easy way of not drawing attention to yourself, by either sticking up for somebody or by leaving the conversation entirely. The trick is to act like you’re barely there. This may seem a little shady, but when you want to be good at keeping secrets, you become good at prioiritizing your own well-being and the trust of people you care about.
Sophie Bagheri is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and theatre who covers lifestyle topics.
