If A Really Close Friendship Is Naturally Fading Away, You’ll Usually Notice 4 Small Changes First
Ali Amya | Unsplash There’s an idea floating around on the internet and social media. It’s the idea that as you level up, you need to cut ties with your old friends who don’t share the same level of physical fitness, financial stability, or ruthless ambition.
The old saying goes, “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with. These self-improvement tropes sound good, but they neglect the value of having old friends, many of whom you've known since high school or earlier. A saying like this reduces friendship to, at best, a vanity metric and, at worst, a transactional relationship.
When forming a human connection that leads to healthy friendships, I think of what one of my favorite rappers, Jadakiss, once said: “I’d rather be broke together than rich alone.” But what happens when a friendship becomes one-sided, or one party continually feels disrespected?
A friendship breakup can be as hard to overcome as a romantic breakup, but sometimes, it's necessary for your well-being. I can think of a few notable cases where you need to stop being friends with someone. It doesn't matter whether they're your best friend, a good friend, or a new friend. There are four reasons why the friend you were once close to must now become a memory.
If a close friendship is naturally ending, you’ll often notice a few things first:
1. They stop showing up when it matters
Once someone intentionally breaks your trust, only a glutton for punishment would remain in contact with them. Yes, sometimes people change and learn from their mistakes, but you’re playing the long odds if you expose yourself to this person again with the expectation that their behavior will change.
I use the phrase “active commission” to highlight a person intentionally and overtly seeking to impede your progress or tarnish your reputation. Betrayal by “passive omission” is another way of saying a person messed up, but they didn't do it knowing exactly how they messed up.
I evaluate cases like this on a case-by-case basis and use them as teaching moments. Not everyone will see it the same way. Maybe I’m just a big softy at heart.
2. When a friendship is fading, you start feeling responsible for their chaos
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Constant trouble with the law is a huge red flag. At best, this signals low self-awareness and impulse control. At worst, they have underlying issues that need serious treatment before something bad happens to both you and them.
No matter how big your heart is, I guarantee you'll change your tune the moment you become collateral damage in someone else’s legal problems. I once tolerated a friend for a long time until he got in my car with an unregistered firearm and proceeded to wave it around. That was the wake-up call I needed to discontinue spending time with that person.
This wasn't my first time dealing with those issues, but I finally ended the friendship. Of all the reasons to end friendships, this is the one you need to take the most seriously.
3. Their habits pull you down instead of lifting you up
It's the same issue as above, except now you’re likely not even remotely on the same path in life. After a certain point in your development and improvement, you won’t be interested in getting drunk every time you go out or smoking pot all day.
This is why I don’t fault anyone who stopped being my friend when I drank. I was out of control. Support is nice; some would even argue that it's what friends should do. I don’t disagree. However, you need to limit the help you give. Otherwise, you ironically end up accomplishing the opposite of your original goal: you begin enabling your friend's worst habits.
Your never-ending patience is meant to help, but it can do more harm than cutting them off ever would. You don’t dish out tough love, not because you love your friends too much to hurt them, but because you lack the toughness required to help a true friend in need.
4. They react poorly to your wins
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Look around at who doesn’t smile when you win. If you call someone a friend and they aren’t capable of celebrating your victories, you don’t have a friend. You don’t have a supporter. You don’t have a fan. You don’t even have a neutral passerby.
You have a saboteur in waiting. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. A weed disguised as a daisy. You get the idea. This is the friend who will smile to your face to keep up appearances, but they're always gossiping negatively about you. With friends like this, you won't need enemies.
You might have a hard time figuring out if you have this type of toxic friend, but here's an easy litmus test: Do you feel better or worse after you communicate with this person?
A common trait of toxic people is that they ruin the self-esteem of anyone they deal with, even their friends. In my life, I've been friends with people who never contributed anything positive.
I was either the subject of criticism or the butt of a joke, or I was continually disrespected. I stayed friends with these people out of convenience and familiarity, but it's not something that anyone should ever tolerate.
Every toxic relationship you have is one more relationship taking up space that could have been a positive friendship. You have to cut these people off because if you don't, their toxicity will either drag you down or force you to become just like them. People like this have either not accomplished much and enjoy the company of their misery, or your success threatens them. Either way, this will eventually lead to betrayal by active commission.
Outside these four instances, I don’t see any reason to cut off old friendships. Yes, people fall out of touch. Friendships end and naturally fade out. Sure, one burden of adulthood is that we end up living lives that make it hard to spend time with true friends. But these are the natural effects of a progressing life, not the cause of anyone’s success.
If you doubt that, let me point out something. If you have perfectly normal friends who don’t fit any of the four criteria above and you haven’t achieved whatever lofty goals you have, they aren’t the problem. They aren’t even in the equation.
The problem is your weak will, mediocre commitment, and non-existent follow-through. But it’s easier for you to say that your friends, who are likely living and doing their own thing, are the reason you aren’t successful. If you do have friends who fit one of the four categories above, you have to decide how badly you want to change your life.
Our environments are a product of our mindset, just as our mindset is a product of our actions. If you want to be better, you must eliminate the negative, destructive influences around you. Take care, cherish your friends, eliminate people who are actively holding you back, and live well.
Ed Latimore is a retired American professional boxer, influencer, and best-selling author. His work focuses on self-improvement and a practical approach to Stoic philosophy.
