People Who Seem Normal & Kind At First But Are Total Lunatics Often Do 8 Casual Things
michaelheim | Shutterstock First impressions don’t always give us the full story of the people we meet, which is why it's critical to take time to get to know someone new. It can be exciting to feel an instant bond with someone — they're normal; they're kind! But hold up. Initial impressions can be misleading; people in your life can seem safe but actually be total lunatics you should avoid.
People who seem normal and kind at first but are actually total lunatics often do these casual things:
1. They're love-bombers
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People who use love-bombing techniques at the start of a relationship focus all their attention and energy on you, elevating you and making you feel completely desired, yet they often have ulterior motives. Love-bombers will text you all day, sending cute selfies and telling you how much they miss you. They might even give you extravagant gifts to impress you and show you how important you are to them. Then, once they have you hooked, love-bombers lose interest and disappear from your life.
Researchers from the University of Arkansas found that love-bombing was directly correlated with having narcissistic tendencies and an insecure attachment style. Former therapist Crystal Jackson noted that love-bombing appears nice on the surface, but it’s really a wildly toxic behavior. “Love bombers show their best selves until the relationship is secure,” she explained. “Then, you’ll notice that they seem like someone else: distant, less affectionate, and less interested as time goes on. Love bombers might be well-intentioned at times. They might even believe their effusiveness. But it’s a manipulative behavior because it’s built to lock down a relationship early, and it’s not sustainable."
2. They're chronic people-pleasers
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At first, their willingness to help out seems appealing, but people-pleasers often have passive-aggressive tendencies that can negatively affect your relationship with them. Leadership coach Patricia Bonnard outlined the dangers of getting too close to a people-pleaser. “Along with the inability to say ‘no,’ there are additional dangers and downsides to being a people pleaser,” she explained. “These often come at the expense of one's mental health,” which include feeling inadequate, an inability to set boundaries, and a lack of self-worth. It's important to recognize the harmful effects of unconditionally agreeing. It's damaging to both the pleaser and those around them."
She noted that people-pleasers ignore their own needs or emotional challenges, which means “they may ultimately surprise you with accusations of not caring about or appreciating them.” Chronic people-pleasers might seem normal and kind at first, yet their underlying insecurities and tendency toward resentment make it hard to maintain something healthy long-term.
3. They're perfectionists
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At first, perfectionists give off positive or at least neutral vibes. After all, what’s wrong with striving for perfection? Yet the more you get to know them, the more their negative attributes begin to peek through the cracks of their seemingly flawless facade. According to psychologist Judith Tutin, people with perfectionist tendencies relentlessly strive to meet their own impossibly high standards, and they delusionally expect others to meet those standards, too.
“Perfectionism harms relationships with others,” Tutin explained. “It’s like saying no one else knows what they’re doing, no one tries hard enough, and no one is getting it right. Others can feel your disdain. We're drawn to people who make mistakes, don’t always get what they want, and who regularly screw things up. It allows us to share our misses. Failure makes us human, and talking about failure allows us to get the support we need and increases our empathy toward others.”
4. They're social chameleons
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While most people let certain parts of their personality shine through depending on who they’re with, people who shape-shift like chameleons aren’t as safe as they seem. Therapist Jim Brillon shared that it’s “Totally normal to maybe show up a little bit differently depending on the people that you’re around based on the relationship. But if somebody is turning into a chameleon, you really want to look at the idea of having a true self and a false self. People can take on personas where they do seem like a whole different person based on who they’re with."
Social chameleons’ malleability keeps “anybody from noticing the real vulnerable self,” Brillon continued. “And that true self for some people may be an aspect of themselves they’ve never actually met before.” While social chameleons’ behavior is usually benign, they often don’t have a strong set of values to guide them through the harder parts of life. Building a relationship with a social chameleon can create instability, and trust often feels like a vague concept with them, which is why you should avoid them.
5. They're needy
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All friendships exist on a balance of giving and taking. Sometimes we need a little extra love and encouragement from our friends, and sometimes we’re the ones giving moral support. A needy friend might seem fine and normal at first, but over time, their approval-seeking behavior and constant emotional crises can leave you feeling totally drained and taken advantage of. They eventually want all of your time and energy and often get jealous if you make other plans or have other friends; it's a no-bueno situation all-around.
6. They're emotionally stoic
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Emotionally stoic people appear as though they have deep wells of inner strength. They seem grounded and stable, like you can count on them when times get tough. Yet their cool exterior doesn’t go much deeper than the surface, so they won’t open up or let you in. Emotionally stoic people also struggle to be vulnerable, which means they put up walls that keep others out. They can share parts of themselves up to a point, but they tend to keep people at a distance when push comes to shove. Being in a relationship with an emotionally stoic person can leave you feeling like your needs aren’t being met in any capacity, and you may actually feel lonelier with them than when you’re alone.
7. They avoid conflict at all costs
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Conflict avoiders might side-step active confrontation, but their underlying hostility will almost always show up eventually. They might make cutting remarks that put you down, but when you reasonably ask what’s wrong, they’ll respond with passive-aggressive phrases like “I’m fine” or “Just forget about it.”
Conflict is never particularly easy to approach, but people who can’t face it head-on just make the tension grow even bigger, until it feels too overwhelming to even know where to begin. Conflict avoiders struggle to express their emotions. They’re ineffective communicators. They’re more likely to push down their feelings than to be honest with you, which is why you gotta cut 'em loose sooner rather than later.
8. They'll help but secretly resent you for it
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People who are resentful helpers seem normal and kind off the bat — after all, they're helping you, right? — but they should actually be avoided, and here's why: They might offer to help you move or bring you soup when you’re sick, but they always expect something in return. They don’t give for the sake of giving; rather, they give because they want to have leverage over you.
Resentful helpers tend to be fairly entitled people, who say things like, “You owe me,” or “You should be happy I’m even here.” Their resentment is never as subtle as they think, and it shows in their hostile attitude and passive-aggressive comments. Resentful helpers don’t actually want to help you; they just want the social capital that comes from being seen as a helpful person. Hard pass.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
