People In Midlife Say These 3 Tiny Habits Helped Them Finally Stop Being So Hard On Themselves
Jacqui Leigh Meyerson | Unsplash You know how to be a good friend and you give others the kind of grace you would never think twice about offering. But turn that same love toward yourself and something shifts. Suddenly it feels selfish, uncomfortable, or just wrong.
The truth is, being a good friend to yourself is not selfish at all. The more you fill yourself up, the more you actually have to give. And one of the biggest reasons people in midlife say they struggled for so long is simple: they never learned how to give themselves permission to do what they actually needed.
The next time you feel overwhelmed, depleted, or just off, try asking yourself these three questions honestly. If the answer to any of them is no, here is what to do about it.
People in midlife say these 3 tiny habits helped them finally stop being so hard on themselves:
1. They started asking themselves, "Am I actually happy right now?"
One tiny habit people in midlife say changed everything was simply pausing to ask themselves whether they were actually happy in the moment. If the answer is no, you are likely starving for joy. You need self-pleasure. Make a JOY Portrait. Take a piece of paper and write “JOY” in the middle of it. Then fill up the entire sheet of paper with all the things that make you happy, big and small.
Challenge yourself to fill the entire page. Then choose three of these joy generators and turn them into “acts of joy,” actions you can take to create joy for yourself. Enjoy them within 24 hours, no matter what you have going on.
Joy is not just a nice feeling. It builds the inner resources you draw on when life gets hard. Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson's broaden-and-build theory found that even brief moments of joy expand your thinking and strengthen your resilience over time.
2. They started checking in on themselves the same way they check in on everyone else
Centre for Ageing Better / Unsplash
Another tiny habit was treating themselves with the same care they naturally offer other people. If you don't, your energy tank is likely depleted. You need self-care. Ask yourself what you need and then give it to yourself, pronto.
Close your eyes, put your hand on your heart, take a deep breath, and ask yourself, just like a best friend would, “What do I need right now to take care of me?” Then be quiet and see what your Inner Wisdom says.
Whatever guidance you receive, do that one thing, no matter what. Even if you don't think you have the time, follow through on giving yourself what you need.
Most of us are so focused on everyone else that we stop noticing our own needs altogether. Research has found that learning to tune into your body's signals is linked to better emotion regulation and lower mental distress.
3. They started letting themselves disappoint others instead of always disappointing themselves
Many people in midlife say the biggest transformation came when they realized they didn’t have to say yes to everything. If you refuse to let other people down at the cost of your own livelihood, you are putting others' needs before your own, to your detriment. You need self-honor. Love-line a friend, and ask them to give you permission to do what’s best for you.
Explain the situation, what you really want to do, and ask them to just tell you, “You totally have permission to…” If you are really stubborn and still can’t take the self-loving action, ask your friend to tell you why it’s okay to give yourself permission to disappoint another, not to disappoint yourself.
And then repeat back what they say.
Often, when we can’t be a good friend to ourselves, we need to seek help from others who can be a good friend to us.
This is how we learn to be better friends to ourselves.
Licensed clinical social worker Terry Gaspard explains that people-pleasing often starts early and destroys your sense of self over time. She says, "If we'd like to say no, we feel guilty, and we may feel resentful when we say yes. We're bad if we do and bad if we don't."
Imagine what your life would be like from this day forward if in the moments when your inner critic wanted to tear you down, in the times you got scared to go for your dreams, or in the instances when you felt exhausted and needed a rest, you were able to wrap your arms around yourself, and give yourself permission to do exactly what you needed – without guilt, fear or judgment.
This is what is possible when you make the choice to love yourself unconditionally and, as a result, choose to show up as a best friend, no matter what. A daring adventure indeed, but the only way really to live in love with yourself.
Christine Arylo is a transformation teacher, internationally recognized speaker, and bestselling author of the official self-love guidebook, Madly in Love with ME, the Daring Adventure to Becoming Your Own Best Friend.
