You're Not A Real Man Until You've Done These 12 Things

What does it mean to be a real man?

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No matter where you turn these days, there's talk about what it takes to "be a man." There are articles, memes, and quotes floating around online that tell us what "real men" do and don't do.

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The thing is, though, I find that most of these quotes and pieces of writing float over typical surface qualities that don't really get into the meat and potatoes (manly reference) of what makes a man a genuinely good man.


So, to fill this gap on the web, I've compiled my own list of seemingly forgotten, but important, points.

You're not a real man until you've done these 12 things:

1. Men should be women's protectors, not their assailants

Before I get told that women don't "need" men to protect them, I should make it clear that I completely understand that. My point is, we hear far too often about street harassment, abuse, and other big problems that are typically men targeting women these days.


When I'm with someone, one of the most important things is that she feels safe and protected. Women are rarely assaulted by other women, so if it weren't for violent men, they wouldn't need protection in the first place.

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2. It shouldn't matter how much you lift, bro

I lift weights just as much as the next guy. I do my best to stay (relatively) fit; it's important to stay healthy and in good shape. Plus, suits fit better that way.

But what isn't necessary is tying your entire sense of identity or masculinity to being stronger than the guy next to you at the gym. I don't care what you can lift; I'd rather hear about how you are positively influencing the world around you.


Go to the gym daily, yes. But also read books, visit museums, watch documentaries, travel, and expand your horizons in life.

3. It shouldn't matter how many women you've been with

Some men find the love of their life in high school and never want to be with anyone else. Some men go on tirades and try to accumulate the most notches in their bedposts before they settle down. And some men never settle down at all.

Different men want to live different lives. They're inclined to be drawn to different lifestyles for one reason or another. At one time in my life, maybe I would've been impressed by a man who'd been with countless women, but as I mature I understand what's really important — how these men were when with women. How and if they loved them, how they treated them.

Your conquests don't make you more of a man. In fact, it takes more to commit to a woman and honor that commitment than it does to avoid feelings and sleep with anyone with two legs.


4. Men should have emotions and that's OK

"Man up!" is a phrase often heard when a boy or a man becomes emotional about a situation. We're taught from birth that emotions are for girls, and if we want to be a real man we need to suppress these feelings and stay stone-faced.

It takes more strength to show your emotions than to hide them. It shows your willingness, to be honest and true to yourself without fear of what other people are going to think.

Men get sad, men get hurt, men get depressed — and that's a perfectly natural part of life. The problem we should really be worried about in our boys and men is keeping these feelings below the surface. This habit is what causes real issues long-term.

5. Men should stand up for what they believe in, even if they stand alone

A man without a set of values he lives by is like a ship at sea without a destination. He has no navigation system and floats through life without knowing what's really guiding him. Values are meaningless if you don't stand by them.


If you see someone being bullied and are against it, say something. If you hear someone make a degrading joke about women and are against it, say something. If you're worried about sacrificing your values and integrity to keep the approval of the people you spend time with, perhaps it's time to spend time around different people.

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6. Men should be reliable

What kind of friend, boyfriend, or husband are you going to be if people can't rely on you to be there when they need you? All relationships are about being there for someone when they need you the most.

Being flaky or inconsistent is often a mark of selfishness and shows a disregard for the feelings of others.


7. Men should be compassionate

Men shouldn't feel insecure about being caring and compassionate towards others. Kindness is not a weakness, nor is it a liability. You can only truly support someone, stand by someone, and love someone if you are willing to tie your emotions to theirs and stand by them through the good and the bad.

Whether we're talking about a friendship or a significant other, this requires compassion.

8. Men should be fashionable, too

Fashion is much more often a woman's concern than a man's. This is clearly evidenced by men in cargo shorts, T-shirts, and baseball caps you find flooding bars in Boston during the summer.

The truth is, some men actually care how they present themselves to the outside world, and being interested in fashion on a personal or professional level in no way lessens a man's masculinity.


9. Men should have manners

Manners, etiquette, and class are important but increasingly rare concepts. We see younger generations of boys not holding doors, not saying thank you to people, and just generally not being aware or considerate of their surroundings.

While much of this is surely caused by the environment, parenting is also a big issue. Parents don't seem to be instilling respect for others in their sons (and daughters) as previous generations did. This means being chivalrous, respectful, and kindhearted.

"Manners maketh the man."

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10. Men should be well-rounded

Interest in subjects like art, literature, and history is often looked at with a tilted head from the typical beer-chugging, too-tight-Polo-shirt-wearing "American bro." This is particularly important for boys growing up, and should be instilled in males of all ages — natural interests differ and none make you more or less of a man.


11. Men should be good husbands and fathers

Not everyone wants to get married, and not everyone wants to have children. But those who do are accepting one of the most important commitments life has to offer: a lifelong promise to stand by the woman in your life and to do your best to raise your children properly.

Men who are good to their women are not "whipped"; they're committed. We have to stop putting negative terminology on positive qualities (actually being whipped is a different story).

Too many men walk away when things get tough, aren't there for their kids, or just find themselves trapped in a situation like this before they were really ready. If a man is going to step into the world of committing to someone and bringing new humans onto the planet, he better jump in with both feet.

12. Men should be whatever the hell they are, and be proud of it

This may be the most important point. Few things infuriate me more than hearing about young children, both men, and women, taking their own lives because they were bullied or ridiculed by their peers.


It shouldn't matter what your sexual orientation is, what your place of birth is, what your skin color is, or any other trait you carry which you did not choose. Respect should be given to each human being equally.

The only thing required to be a "real man" is the proper equipment. You're not some sort of "fake" man if you're born gay or in any other capacity.

We have to stop shaming boys and men for things they cannot control.


We have to stop ostracizing boys who'd rather go to art class instead of gym class.

We have to stop associating masculinity with a certain image put forth by society, which can easily make many feel left out.

You don't need to chug a beer or yell at the TV when sports are on in order to be a man. You don't need to be able to build a house with your bare hands.

Do you want to know what people should think of when they hear "real man"?

A real man is someone who embraces his strengths. He's one who recognizes who he is and doesn't allow society to push him in a direction he's not comfortable with. He's one who creates his own identity and leaves his mark on the world. It doesn't matter if that's setting an all-time football record, or performing an award-winning role in Cabaret.


A real man is who he is, and doesn't care what anyone has to say about it.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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James Michael Sama is a relationship expert who writes about dating and relationships. He speaks on the topics of chivalry, romance, and happiness, and has been featured in news segments, talk shows, and mainstream radio.