Mom Worried Her Introverted Daughter Is ‘Missing Out On So Much’ Because She Prioritizes Learning Over Making Friends
She's creating the very problem she's worried about by not simply letting her child be who she is.
Bilibin Maksym | Shutterstock The conventional wisdom and parenting advice may lump them all together, but every kid is different. Some are outdoor explorers, some prefer to bury their nose in a book. Some want to be the center of attention with other kids, and some like to keep it low-key. This is just life.
But sometimes parents think this means something has gone awry, assuming that because their kid is nothing like them, there must be a problem. It's a classic projection that all too often makes a mountain out of a mole hill, and a mom who recently wrote in for advice on this sort of issue is a perfect example.
The mom is worried her introverted daughter isn't developing social skills.
The mom wrote into Slate's "Care and Feeding" parenting advice column because she's worried about her young daughter. "Growing up, I had tons of friends and was always on the go and immersed in extracurricular activities," she wrote. "My 7-year-old daughter, 'Maisy,' simply isn’t interested in people." This has the mom making some pretty drastic prognostications about her daughter's future.
Her daughter has few friends but has a thirst for learning.
To be clear, her kid is not some withdrawn loner. She has a small circle of three friends, and that's enough for her. "She would rather spend her time reading and studying the birds, squirrels, bugs, and plants in our backyard," the mom wrote.
She also isn't into many typical "kid" things. "She doesn’t have much use for cartoons, like other kids; she would sooner watch science and nature documentaries," the mom went on to say.
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Of course, knowing what we know these days, this reads like a primer on undiagnosed autism. But the mom has had Maisie tested. "She’s not on the spectrum, so that’s not what Maisy’s problem is." That's an interesting choice of words, which we'll get to in a minute.
The mom is worried that her daughter is going to grow up with no emotional intelligence. "How can I convince her that being the smartest person in the room won’t do her a bit of good if people don’t like her because she has no idea how to interact with other humans?"
This mom is projecting and creating the very problem she fears.
There are several telling turns of phrase in this mom's letter. The first is that she opens by talking about herself. Her later insistence that Maisie has some kind of "problem" despite being told by clinicians that there isn't one is another major red flag. Diagnosing her with some kind of antisocial personality disorder 30 years hence is the icing on the cake.
The kid sounds like she's smarter than her peers and deeply intellectually curious. That's always to be celebrated, but in this day and age, when most kids can't read because they've spent their entire childhood glued to an iPad, this mom's response to her kid is frankly silly.
And in what world does having three friends equate to being some unlovable, friendless weirdo with no social skills? How many friends is a 7-year-old supposed to have? Or a 14-year-old? Or a 42-year-old? Who makes these rules? Respectfully, ma'am, what are you talking about?
Hannah Grapp | Pexels
But here's the real crux of the matter: It's difficult not to wonder if SHE is the one causing the problem for daughter. I speak from experience as a bookish, artsy, latently-gay little kid with parents who tried to force him into being a Little League-playing jock: Being nitpicked like this for who you are and what you like will MAKE you into a withdrawn kid more interested in "studying the birds, squirrels, bugs, and plants in our backyard" just so you can find a moment's peace.
Being unsupportive or hostile towards your child's interests and curiosities can be incredibly damaging. It imbues kids with a worry that there is something wrong with them and makes them feel they have to hide themselves to stay safe. And hiding who you are is the kind of behavior that actually DOES hinder your social skills.
The tough love bottom line is this: This mom already had her childhood, and her daughter's is not an opportunity for her to vicariously relive her own. Nor are kids avatars of their parents' identities, and the impulse to make them one is a you problem, not your kid's.
Kids are their own people. Let them be who they are. Otherwise, they will likely become exactly what you fear: A person who doesn't know how to move through the world without hiding, shrinking and withdrawing. Is that the kind of adult you're trying to raise?
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
