How To Forgive Someone When You Know You Will Never Be Able To Forget What They Did
Forgiving someone doesn't mean you let yourself continue getting hurt.
Joseph Greve | Unsplash When you're in a position where someone you love has hurt you, whether it's in a toxic relationship or by accident, you may have been told that forgiveness is the only thing you can do in order to let go of anger and move on. It's a common platitude, but can be impossible to imagine when you know you'll never forget what the other person did.
This misunderstanding speaks to a myth that people can simply choose to "forgive and forget" no matter what was done. That's why there is nothing that irks me more than the whole “forgive and forget” gig. It's almost as if forgiveness mean you had a lobotomy!
Fortunately, you can forgive someone and still be smart. It requires you to stay safe and forgive on your own timeline, not anyone else's — especially not the timeline of the one who hurt you!
How to forgive when you know you're not going to forget any time soon
1. Have better judgment and boundaries about who is and isn't trustworthy
The person that hurt me was not trustworthy. Maybe they will be in the future, but that depends on what they do now (and what they did). If you are a person who wants to trust, you might also a person who wants to let go and not hold onto a grudge.
Being cheated on, used, or having your trust abused in any way is a force to be reckoned with. It has nothing to do with the person who hurt you; it has everything to do with you. Forgiveness certainly brings about peace and resolution.
People who are chronic long-term victims don’t take personal responsibility for how they feel. They live in a magical world where if you are angry long enough, blame someone long enough, you’ll feel better. Some believe that if they cannot forget what happened, they can’t forgive. Not so.
2. Understand that trust and forgiveness do not go hand in hand
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So, what is the biggest pitfall of forgiveness without trust? It’s holding onto the belief that if one person hurt you, others will.
Be smart. Be safe. Don’t get yourself in a messy situation thinking that forgiveness means you have to trust. It does not. Find people worthy of your trust.
3. Don't build a wall to protect yourself from getting hurt
We all have our triggers. When I went through my divorce, it brought me right back to an old teenage belief: “All men cheat.”
My facts to back this up were that both my mother’s husbands cheated, too. Twenty years later, as an attorney, my black-and-white thinking was triggered. Like all men, a man I cared about cheated, so I thought I should withhold forgiveness and punish him.
Then I put up walls to protect myself from other hurts. It made me inaccessible to the one thing I wanted most: To be loved. Building walls around you might keep you safe from being hurt, but it also prevents you from loving again. The person hurt most by the "walls" will be you.
4. Know that vulnerability comes from strength and courage
In order to keep yourself from being cut off, you have to be the person who knows you can be hurt and survive, while still understanding that with vulnerability come strength and courage.
Know you can be hurt and bounce back, but learn to notice red flags and wisely stay away. In other words, build boundaries that respect your privacy and keep you safe while still letting those you deem trustworthy into your inner circle.
Do your best to not blame all men or women for what your ex did to you. One person's behavior is not indicative of the entire gender.
When you are ready to forgive, you will know. Forgive your ex. Find peace. Stay safe. And remember that it’s okay to deny trust to someone who is not worthy of it.
Lori S. Rubenstein, JD, PCC, is a divorce mediator, coach, and author who helps clients with relationships, divorce, and forgiveness challenges.
