
My sister sent me an email after our "lunch." The subject read, "I love you. Are you listening?"
By Andrea Cox — Written on May 17, 2022
Photo: Ekaterina Vidyasova / Shutterstock

For far too long I abused my beautiful body.
I talked down to her. I lied to her. I fought with her.
I created good and bad food lists for her to live by.
I punished her.
I chose to not nourish her.
I chose to hide her away because I was ashamed of her.
She was both my abused child and my abuser.
She was my worst enemy.
In return she was fearful.
She had no hope.
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She didn't live.
In fact, She died a little more every single day.
Then one day my older sister met me to go shopping. We went to lunch. She ate as I chewed on ice.
The next day I got an email from her. The subject line read, "I love you. Are you listening?"
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She said she cried the entire way home because I looked like I was going to die. Attached to the email was a list of doctors. She offered to help me get well. She didn't want me to die.
I tried to make excuses. I told her I had an overactive thyroid.
Another lie to cover up the truth — I didn't feel worthy enough to live.
At 5 feet 10 inches tall, I weighed 96 pounds. Yes, I was dying.
About a week later I was moving items around in my basement and scraped my leg alongside a cardboard box. It was a simple scrape, not even a cut.
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Two hours later my leg was still bleeding. I was so malnourished that my blood would not coagulate.
I went to the emergency room that night and will never forget what I saw. As I was putting on the gown I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the back of a bathroom door. There were 2 mirrors across from one another and I could see my back for the first time.
I could see every bone in my back.
Over the next few weeks, I began eating more and more. I wasn't overeating and I wasn't eating junk. I Just began eating. Soon, my hair was starting to grow and my skin began glowing again. As I got stronger, my mind became healthier.
It took almost 8 years for my menstrual cycle to return.
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Every month since my menstrual cycle has returned, I have bought myself a dress. The dress serves as a simple reminder to treat myself. To be good to myself!
The dress reminds me that I deserve to live. It reminds me that it's OK to have the curves of a woman.
I bought my new dress today!
To any of you who have ever felt the same ...
I love you. Are you listening?
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Andrea Cox is a YourTango Contributor who writes about body image and self-esteem.