The Art Of Impeccable Character: 4 Simple Habits Of People Who Know When They're The Problem
Be patient and keep working on yourself.
oleg ivanov | Unsplash How many times in our lives have we found ourselves in the deep and murky waters of life? How many times have we just paddled water, hoping that life would change? In reality, paddling water rarely inspires changes.
You don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there and not moving. Every minute of every day, you are at a choice point. You can choose to sit and wallow, spinning circles around our concerns, or around the drain for that matter. Or, you can make another choice — you can decide to start swimming in a direction that will take you towards what you want in your life.
No one is immune to the seesaw of emotional responses until you start to notice what you’re doing. You get so attached to your idea of what’s right that when you don’t win, it can be overwhelming and frustrating.
When we dig our heels in and get overly attached to our perspective, we stop listening. We shut down communication, and we close down solutions. When we are open to other perspectives, everything changes.
4 simple habits of people who know when they're the problem
1. Let go of the idea that you are right and everyone should agree with your opinion.
I know, that's a hard one. And, our mindset is a powerful tool to encourage this idea. If I can create a little wiggle room, something that opens up the idea that there may be more than one right observation or idea, it can be liberating.
It is the story of the four blind monks standing around the elephant. One says, "It’s a tree" as he feels the elephant's leg, the next says, "It’s a hose" as he feels the elephant’s trunk. "It’s a wall," says the third monk as he places his hands upon the side of the elephant. "It’s a broom," states the fourth monk as he takes the tail into his hands. It’s all perspective, and it’s still all an elephant.
If you get too attached to your own perspective, it is difficult to hear another perspective, and what if you need all the other perspectives to figure out what you’re looking at? Plus, if you want others to listen to you, start by listening to them. We all like to be heard.
2. Get curious about the role you're playing (victim or hero) and decide which role is more empowering.
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I talked about this a bit above, and Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle is a great guide. While there are thousands of roles you could play out in any story you find yourself in, the ones that often become problematic are these three: Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer.
We often fly into a situation ready set to "save" someone, only to be seen as trying to control the situation and be viewed as a Persecutor as soon as we start pushing our perspective. Then, because we don’t feel heard, we roll directly into the victim role.
I know I have played these three in many difficult conversations. We tend to have a "go-to" role. Think about which role you easily slide into when you’re having a challenging conversation. And if you’re really curious, ask someone who knows and loves you what role they see you playing more than others. Be prepared, they may not see your actions in the same light you see them.
3. Be brave and willing to look at yourself; you are the key, and your attitude is part of the solution.
Look for actions that will help you navigate through the plot twist in your story. Each of us has the capacity to craft a story worth living. We know what our heart wants, or at the very least, we can learn what our heart needs to be fulfilled.
Often, we allow our own internal narrative to derail us. Our fear gremlins start to chatter, and we throw in the towel well before we push through our limiting thoughts. What would be possible in your life if you breathed into the fear, transformed it into excitement, and pushed through to the other side?
In her book, Playing Big, Tara Mohr talks about two types of fear. I would add that there is a third fear to pay attention to. The first type of fear is Survival Fear, this is the very real and body-absorbing fear you have when a bear is running at you, a tiger has just shown up and is licking its lips, or someone just nearly sideswiped your car.
It is instinctive, and it will engage instantly when you are in danger. Yet, most of the time we aren’t in a life-or-death situation, and still we are circling the drain feeling afraid, anxious, worried, helpless, or hopeless.
Which brings us to the second fear. Pachad, the fear we create in our imaginations, the "what if" fears, the overreactions, and irrational fears about what might happen. It’s the fear of a tiger on television. It’s the fear of sharks when you live in New Mexico. We are worried about inventing danger out of smoke and mirrors.
The third fear is Yirah, the fear of being in the presence of the divine, and the fear we have when we are stretching out beyond our comfort zone. This may show up as our discomfort with taking up a bit more space in the world, putting ourselves "out there", or sharing what we are passionate about with others.
Yirah is the fear that you need to notice. It may feel like fear, and yet, it is an indicator of growth. It may have many of the same indicators as excitement.
4. Become determined to change your relationship to the story you are telling yourself about the situation.
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Explore what the situation has to teach you. Every experience that you have, good, bad, or indifferent, is an opportunity to get curious about what’s going on inside of you. The more clarity that you have about what you’re thinking, feeling, and what’s up with why you’re reacting the way that you are, the better you will know yourself.
Self-awareness is how we build self-trust. I may not know 100 percent how I will react in situation X, yet I have a pretty good idea. And, because I have thought it through a few times, I get curious about my relationship to the story I am in, the better able I am to ask for help, set boundaries, and generally let go of my attachment to a specific outcome. It typically makes me a nicer person to deal with.
Life-changing takes a lifetime, so be patient and keep working on yourself. And, when you find yourself adrift in the deep waters of life, start swimming!
Lyssa deHart, LICSW, MCC, BCC, is a Clinical Social Worker, life coach, and the author of StoryJacking: Change Your Inner Dialogue, Transform Your Life. She's spent the past 20+ years as a therapist and coach.
