Therapists Say These 6 Habits Can Help You Avoid Catching Feelings Too Soon
Therapist-backed habits to help you slow down and keep your feet on the ground.
Samuel Yongbo Kwon | Unsplash An almost relationship will always feel like you are halfway there. Such a relationship juggles with your emotions — you feel like you are neither totally in nor completely out. At some point in time, you might even catch feelings, yet you know you are not supposed to. How half-hearted is that, do you think?
An almost relationship is a tightrope walk. Striking the ideal balance between indifference and consideration is not as easy as it looks. It is possible, as therapist Moushumi Ghose advised. "If you put focus into dating and have it be based on our own deliberate choices, then infuse this with honesty and respect for the people we come into contact with, we will have a much easier time with dating in this dynamic world," Ghose explained. If you are considering having fun and being carefree about your relationship, these habits will help you avoid catching feelings too soon.
Here are six habits that can help you avoid catching feelings too soon, according to therapists:
1. Set your relationship boundaries early
At the very beginning of the relationship, you must make it clear to each other about how you want everything to materialize. Whether the issue is big or small, you must communicate to your partner about what your limits are and what consequences await once the limits are crossed.
Relationship boundaries may seem unnecessary, especially when you are aiming at a short-lived, temporary connection. To start with, let your partner know what’s in your mind, what your value system is, who you are like, what pushes your buttons, what makes you click, what you detest, and what your needs and desires are.
On the same page, consider understanding the needs of your partner and reaching a middle ground. Set rules and limits, keeping both of your satisfaction points in mind.
A fused sense of entity is not healthy for any kind of relationship. A lack of healthy boundaries in your relationship takes away the sense of self-esteem, self-control, and independence.
"Creating boundaries is great, but it’s the follow-through that counts," points out therapist Nicola Beer. "Being direct with people around you is the only way to alert others that your boundaries have been breached. If you’re unaccustomed to being assertive, it can be scary. So start small with something manageable, and build up your confidence."
2. Learn to say no
MDV Edwards via Shutterstock
The thing that keeps us from saying “no” to questions we desperately want to answer “no” to is the fear of being disapproved. Make sure you do not comply with your partner’s needs, which go beyond your boundaries.
Saying “no” to things you believe are beyond your capacity to commit to is a wise decision. It is better than taking responsibility and failing to accomplish it.
Relationship coach Amy Bracht explained, "Most people will move on from your 'no' without much of a thought, so let them. However, not explaining yourself can become more challenging the closer the relationship is. Remember, you teach people how to treat you. Be firm in not explaining yourself, but don't make a big deal out of it. If the other person does persist with the need for an explanation, a quick remark of, 'Why are you so hung up on this?' can work wonders."
Learning to say “no” means you are sticking to your boundaries in the relationship, rather than making it permeable to unnecessary changes.
3. Regulate your expectations
What exactly do you expect from this almost relationship? If you are not aiming to commit to each other, you should not even behave like you are intimately committed to the relationship.
If you have decided upon your boundaries as well, you should strictly stick to them, such as if you are allowed to flirt with other people, go on dates with them, or kiss other people. If you both have decided to be OK with it, then you should not be jealous of it when this happens on the other side.
State clearly in a conversation what you expect from the relationship. One cannot swing between being serious and fun from moment to moment. This will only distract from your intention.
"Once you are aware that some level of expectation exists, it's time to dig deeper to figure out where those expectations come from," recommended marriage therapist Janika Veasley. "In addition to having expectations, it's important to think about your relationship goals and desires, while also acknowledging any limiting beliefs you hold in the area of love and belonging."
4. Tell yourself the bitter truth
Giulio_Fornasar via Shutterstock
The truth is that this relationship is all about fun and not about being committed and dedicated to each other. Learn to swallow the hard pill. The more you deny the truth, wanting to avoid it as far as possible, you are denying your mental clarity.
Are you settling for being in this arrangement of an almost relationship to satisfy the needs of your partner? Or do you genuinely want this almost-relationship? Are you secretly in love with the other person, but pretending not to care? Telling yourself a lie will only break you apart later in the relationship.
Ask yourself what your needs are. Are you settling for something less than you wish for or deserve?
"You can try using your rational judgment and checking off the boxes on your ideal partner list, but falling in love isn't always so neat and tidy," advises life coach Lisa Petsinis, "In the end, it comes down to how they make you feel — because feelings don't lie."
5. Keep your self-respect intact
Just because you are in an almost relationship, doesn’t mean you sacrifice your self-respect, your independence, or your needs. If you feel anything other than what you deserve to feel, always feel free to walk away.
There is no need to compromise your feelings, sabotage your self-esteem, or tolerate unhealthy treatment from the other person, merely on the pretext of the relationship. Do not allow a temporary person to make permanent damage to your self-confidence and self-esteem.
Settle for the one that deserves you, respects you, values you, and is aiming for a long-term relationship with you. What will you be left with if the other person leaves you based on nothing at all? Self-respect is the answer.
Therapist Ashley Davis Bush suggested self-kindness as a way to enhance self-respect, "When you're getting dressed in the morning, put your hand over your heart and say these words: 'May you be happy today. May you be healthy today. May you be safe from harm. May you be at peace.' Drench yourself with these thoughts of personal loving-kindness."
6. Don't engage in typical relationship activities
STEKLO via Shutterstock
If you have planned it to be temporary and non-committal, do not engage in activities that typically commit people to do. Trust me, it’s worse than playing with fire.
One day, these fun fantasies of making a family with the other person will be your worst nightmare. Avoid daydreaming about a future with your partner, fantasizing about having children with them, living with them, giving them expensive gifts, and emotionally investing in them.
"It is key that you identify your most important needs in a relationship so you can share them with your partner," says life coach Mitzi Bockmann, "Knowing them is the only way your partner will understand how important they are to you, and how they must work hard to meet them."
Know what your values are and make decisions accordingly. An almost relationship is fun. There are no strings attached, no responsibilities to take, no broken expectations, and no commitment. You both are rocking the party, chatting over the phone, having fun, traveling together, going on dinner dates, and all these topped with great intimacy. You are not stopping at anything. This sums up all the sunshine of a relationship sans the rain and thunder.
And the flip side? There is not one that I can think of. But wait, what if you fall in love? What if you realize you are the only one who unknowingly got serious about the relationship? What if confronting the other person makes them leave you?
One simple thing to remember when not trying to get into a messy situation with your partner in a casual relationship is that if you are planning to get attached, never, ever get into a casual relationship.
There are lots of people out there looking for authentic, emotional intimacy with someone. If you believe that a casual relationship is not your cup of tea, never engage in one just for its advantages. In such a case, the degree to which an almost relationship can psychologically damage you is beyond comprehension. If you are not prepared for the loss, it’s wise to never get involved in one.
Shreyasi Debnath is a psychologist and writer who focuses on mental health, self-care, and self-love.
