If You Destroyed Someone’s Trust, These 8 Habits Can Help You Earn It Back Little By Little
syedfahadghazanfar | Shutterstock We talk about people who have been unfaithful and cheated on their partner like they're from another planet, but the statistics say it's more common than we might want to admit. It is one of the most hurtful things you can do to someone.
That being said, people can make big mistakes they regret and vow never to repeat. It is possible to move on after cheating and destroying someone's trust, but it takes a lot of work. Suffice it to say that trying to gain someone’s trust back after you have cheated on them is tough and can take a long time, but it can be done little by little.
If you destroyed someone’s trust, these 8 habits can help you earn it back, little by little:
1. Decide what you want
Let’s be honest: If you are in a relationship you need to end, you must go, whether you are unfaithful or not. There is no reason to rebuild the trust. A better thing to do is to leave them as gently and honestly as possible.
This is far more merciful than admitting to cheating, trying to make up, breaking up, and eventually realizing that you need to go anyway. Just go! But if you made a mistake and are 100% committed to your partner, we can work on it.
2. Be honest
You have to be as brutally honest as possible without going into specifics. Answer all of their questions, no matter how much it stings. Expect that they will have many questions, and you will repeat yourself multiple times.
Now is the time to cough up the whole truth. Don’t minimize anything about what happened. Best piece of advice: Reveal everything. Couples therapists Linda and Charlie Bloom believe that total honesty is the only way the repair process can begin. "Betrayal isn't just about infidelity," they explained. "The unfaithful partner has to give the betrayed partner full access to the truth before either of them can start moving forward."
3. Apologize
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Consider that to apologize appropriately and even have a hope they’ll think about taking you back, you must be sincere in your apology. Tell them you couldn’t be more sorry, you’ll do whatever it takes, and that you can’t live without them.
Marriage and family therapist Shelby Riley cautions that most apologies fail the moment that people apologize just to rid themselves of guilt. "Remember, this apology's purpose is to soothe your partner and hold you accountable, not to soothe you and get your partner off your back," she explained.
4. Earn back their trust
This is where most people fail and end up back at square one. You must now spend the rest of the relationship acting like an angel. Be honest about every detail of what you are up to. Be super predictable. Now is not the time to change your hours at work or pick up a solo hobby. Think transparently with everything you do.
5. Make an effort and be persistent
If there was ever a time for a grand gesture, it’s now. Expect them not to accept your gesture because it doesn't matter to them. The point is you are putting in effort and trying. They may hate the gesture and cringe in embarrassment, but that isn’t the point. Don’t be concerned with how it was received. You can not rush this process, so don’t expect an immediate change.
Relationship coaches Mary Ellen Goggin and Dr. Jerry Duberstein caution that this initial rejection is only a sign that your partner is where they are emotionally supposed to be. "You've taken something sacred to the intimacy of your marriage and shared it with someone else," so when you feel your efforts to regain their trust fall on a dismissive heart, remember: it takes time to process this betrayal before they can accept your honest regret.
6. Be persistent
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You need the kind of persistence that will exhaust even the most steadfast. Prepare yourself for them to go back and forth about whether they even want to talk to you and view any contact from them as progress, even if it is negative.
Relationship therapist Dr. Tammy Nelson cautions that the betrayed partner "may never totally trust you again, and the work of regaining that trust is not an overnight process. You will have to be consistent for an extended period, even years, before the trust fully comes back."
7. Honor their needs
If they want you out of the house, get out. Don’t stand your ground in their personal space. It still stands to reason that they can miss you. After years of history together, this is only natural. So don't make things worse by refusing what they need to forgive you.
8. Once the dust has settled, date them again
Let some time pass so the initial anger stage can pass. Once it does, rewind everything about your relationship back to how it was in the early days. Suggest dates, flirt with them, and act as you did at the beginning of your relationship.
Go out of your way to still be a person worth lusting after. Text back the romance. Seduce. Show them why they fell for you in the first place. Most importantly, be patient with their feelings.
Elizabeth Stone is a love coach and the founder of Attract The One and Luxe Self. Her work has been featured in Zoosk, PopSugar, The Good Men Project, Bustle, Ravishly, SheKnows, Mind’s Journal, and more.
