9 Clues You’re The Chill, Unbothered Ice Queen Everyone Secretly Admires
You have a hard exterior that people can't help but respect.
Preston Lane | Unsplash For the most part, women are expected to be sweet, warm, and nurturing. There is an unspoken expectation that women should make everyone feel comfortable and welcome. Any woman who fails to live up to society’s standards might be suspected of having a cold heart or a frosty demeanor.
But there are some among us that exhibit cold personality traits and honestly couldn’t care less about other people’s feelings. Those women are what some might refer to as "ice queens." When someone calls you an ice queen, the immediate connotation is meant to be negative and imply that you are cold, uncaring, and have no concern for the feelings of others. Generally, those perceived as ice queens are physically attractive but have abrupt or abrasive personalities. Their attitude is one of superiority, and they have no concern for other people’s needs.
Ice queens are ambitious and are determined not to let anything or anybody get in their way. Just beneath the surface lies an outwardly confident woman who is quick to put you in your place if need be. But the perception of an ice queen belies who they really are. Most women labeled this way have been deeply hurt, so they put their feelings on lockdown, choosing to never be vulnerable again. All ice queens are not created equal.
Here are 9 clues you’re the chill, unbothered ice queen everyone secretly admires:
1. You have a history of trauma
The thing that turns most ice queens into the cold and ruthless women they are is pain. Maybe they were abandoned, abused, or rejected, but all ice queens have a traumatic history that is the catalyst for who they are now.
According to Dr. Sandra Cohen, a psychologist who specializes in trauma explains that, "Abandonment as a child leaves scars. And it's even more devastating when no one notices how sad you are."
2. You don’t need anybody
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Ice queens are independent to a fault. If the phrase "if I want it done right, I have to do it myself" were a person, it would display a picture of a frosty, tight-lipped woman. Ice queens have been let down by someone along the way and refuse to fall victim again.
While no specific research supports the idea that an ice queen is secretly admired for not needing anyone, the allure of this archetype can be explained by concepts like perceived high standards, challenge, and self-sufficiency. Research asserts that genuine emotional bravery comes from embracing vulnerability. People who seek support and express their feelings openly tend to recover more effectively from setbacks.
3. When you fall for someone, you are all in
Surprisingly, when ice queens let a special person break down the walls around their hearts, they are completely committed. It takes a lot to gain her trust, and she will do anything to protect and honor you. It is you and her against the world.
According to clinical psychologist Michael W. Regier, PhD, "At a foundational level, loyalty is about committing to an emotional connection. We look to our partner to be the number one person to share our hearts with, no matter what external distractions surround us or what we are feeling."
4. You're open and honest about your feelings
Once an ice queen has taken the big step of admitting to herself that she likes you, she will have no qualms about sharing her feelings. But it is not just in romantic relationships. There is no pretentiousness when it comes to emotions. An ice queen tells you exactly how she feels.
Studies find that being vulnerable makes people seem more likable and more effective as leaders, challenging the idea that vulnerability is a sign of weakness. Social conditioning and gender stereotypes heavily influence how emotional expression is perceived
5. You know what you want and aren't afraid to get it
Ice queens are laser-focused on their goals and ambitions. She is keen on meeting her full potential and won’t allow herself to be distracted. If you happen to get between an ice queen and her goals, you will no doubt incur her wrath.
According to life coach Mitzi Bockmann, women who achieve career success "must identify who they want to be in the workplace and what they want and go after it with a vengeance. They must speak up and lead, even in the face of men who might try to push against them."
6. You're emotionally mature
Contrary to popular belief, ice queens do have emotional maturity. They have experienced much of the good and the bad that life has to offer, and know how to deal with their emotions no matter the circumstances.
The ability of emotionally mature women to set and enforce healthy boundaries is sometimes misinterpreted as coldness or a lack of interest. However, research stresses that healthy boundaries are a sign of self-respect and are crucial for maintaining strong relationships.
7. You don’t care what anyone thinks of you
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On the outside, ice queens are confident and sure of themselves, so any accolades from others are a bonus.
They don’t live their lives according to social norms and societal expectations. They set their own standards and make sure to live up to them.
8. You say what you mean
Ice queens are not about fake lies. When they tell you something, believe it. Because she is not in the business of lying to impress others, an ice queen can stand on her word. When she speaks, her words are intentional and purposeful.
Research has concluded that the interpretation of direct communication depends on the observer's gender biases. An authentically direct woman is admired for her integrity, confidence, and efficiency, and is seen as refreshing and respectful.
9. You have no time for meaningless banter
We talked about how sparingly ice queens use their words. There has to be a reason behind conversations, and ice queens have no time to simply shoot the breeze. If there is nothing to be gained or moved forward by the conversation, she will pass.
Career consultant Ruth Schimel explains that skilled communicators understand that meaningful communication requires intentionality. An ice queen applies this same principle to all her conversations, valuing purposeful dialogue over empty chatter, recognizing that every word should carry weight and intention.
Negative Perceptions About Ice Queens
There are many negatives associated with women who are seen as ice queens. Most people do all they can to avoid working in close proximity to them, which could be due to their tendency to be "holier than thou."
An ice queen is viewed as disinterested and detached, and is not known to be good company for anyone. Narcissism is one common trait associated with ice queens, as she encompasses all of those characteristics; instigation, intimidation, and flat-out disregard are par for the course.
Positive Perceptions About Ice Queens
Being an ice queen is not all bad. Women who have this personality are independent and able to navigate life on their own terms. Ice queens are logical people and able to push emotion aside to get the job done, which lets them excel in solving problems and completing straightforward tasks.
People see ice queens as fearless, making them prime candidates for leadership roles. The only downside is the inability to interact with others, which may cause subordinates to complain. Ice queens teach those around them how to set boundaries and stick to them. They say what is on their mind, no matter who is listening, and that courage is something to admire.
The Ice Queens of Cinematography
The ice queen character archetype has played out time and time again in the movies. Aside from Cinderella’s evil stepmother or the Wicked Witch of the West, Sharon Stone played an ice queen in Basic Instinct, and Kathy Bates was out to get the man she wanted at all costs in Misery. Both women had been emotionally hurt and lashed out.
Whether it was Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest, or Cruella de Vil in 101 Dalmatians, the ice queen trope has played out on-screen forever.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
