12 Behaviors Of People Who Just Seem Universally Confident
Brooke Cagle | Unsplash Have you ever wondered what makes some people naturally confident in social situations? Research shows that approximately 40 to 50 percent of American adults consider themselves shy, which means when you walk into that networking event or party, half the room is probably feeling just as awkward as you are. Even the people who seem universally confident often started out feeling nervous in social settings.
You might never be the loudest person in the room, and that's perfectly fine. Universal confidence is about genuine connection, and the good news is that the behaviors that create those connections are completely learnable. Whether you consider yourself naturally shy or just want to improve how you come across in social situations, these patterns can help you feel more confident.
Here are 12 behaviors of people who just seem universally confident:
1. They accept themselves
One of your personality traits is shyness. So what? It’s not the worst thing in the world. If anything, it’s because you seek genuine connection with people without the fluff and small talk. Isn’t that a great thing?
The most confident people are the ones who've made peace with their quirks and show up authentically. When you stop fighting against your natural tendencies, other people pick up on that ease and feel more comfortable around you, too.
2. They minimize build-up
When we are going into a new situation or meeting new people, we can often make it much bigger in our heads than it actually is. Allow yourself 5 minutes to really worry. Set the clock. And when the buzzer rings, stop. Don’t allow yourself to stew over something new for hours or days at a time.
The reality is almost always less intimidating than the story you've been telling yourself. Most people are too worried about their own impression to scrutinize yours as harshly as you imagine.
3. They know that everyone is human
You don’t know what other people are thinking at a networking event or party. Don’t go in assuming everyone there is a natural conversationalist and you are the only shy person. Remember, if 40 to 60 percent of people identify with being shy, you are likely standing in a room of mostly shy people.
Research has found that the prevalence rate of shyness has risen from 40% to 48% since 1975, showing that 40% of adults report experiencing mild but chronic shyness. When you walk into that networking event, half the room is probably feeling just as awkward as you are. You're literally surrounded by people who get it.
4. They have a share at the ready
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Is there something in particular you feel comfortable sharing about yourself? Think of a ready answer to common questions such as “What are your hobbies?” or “What do you do in your spare time?”
Having a few go-to responses means you won't freeze up when someone asks you about yourself. You can relax knowing you've got something authentic and interesting to say without having to scramble in the moment. Think of it as giving yourself a safety net so you can actually enjoy the conversation instead of panicking.
Think of a unique question that you can turn to if you become nervous. If someone is talking about what they did with their children, you could ask, “What’s a trait about your child that really surprises or delights you?”
They'll remember you as the person who asked such an awesome, interesting question that made them really think. Most people get asked the same boring questions over and over, so when you give them something fresh, they light up. It shows you're genuinely curious about them as a person, not just making small talk.
5. They focus on listening
Often, shy people go into a situation fearful of their need to talk. Turn it around. Be the best listener in every conversation. People love to talk about themselves, and we are socialized to think about responding, not listening. If you make someone feel heard, you’ll develop a genuine connection, which in turn can make the conversation much more friendly and less daunting.
Research found that when you shift your focus from worrying about what to say next to genuinely hearing what someone's telling you, the connection between two people happens more naturally, and you don't have to perform at all.
6. They start small
Set a time limit when you feel it would be appropriate to leave a situation or conversation. If you are going to a networking event or a social at a bar with new coworkers, give yourself 30 minutes. At the end of the 30, allow yourself to go home if you’d like. You don’t have to stay till the bitter end to make a social event a success.
Knowing you have an exit strategy makes it so much easier to show up in the first place. Plus, you might surprise yourself and actually want to stay longer once you're there and realize it's not as draining as you feared.
7. They put their best self forward
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For me, if I’m going somewhere, it always makes me feel better to have my nails done. I’m not sure why, but it makes me feel really pulled together in any situation. Figure out what that go-to confidence builder is for you and make sure you do it regularly. If I’m in an uncomfortable place and begin to feel unsure of myself, I can always say, “I’ve got my nails done. I can do this!”
Maybe for you it's wearing your favorite shoes, having a fresh haircut, or carrying a pen you really love. Whatever it is, that tiny anchor of control can shift your entire mindset when everything else feels uncertain.
8. They believe in their value
There is something you are good at, or know about, that other people do not. You have a lot to contribute to a conversation. Don’t let past thoughts about who you are affect the now.
Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that self-esteem and social relationships actually predict each other over time in a reciprocal loop. The more you recognize your own worth, the more authentically you show up, and that authenticity is what draws people in.
9. They create a persona
If you are really nervous about going into a new situation, imagine how the most confident person you know would handle it, and then just act like that person. Doing this permits you to act in ways you might not normally, and it becomes easier not to take things personally.
It's like trying on a costume that lets you step outside your usual patterns. You're not being fake, you're just borrowing someone else's confidence until you build up your own.
10. They stay interesting
Keep reading, listening to podcasts, and thinking about new ideas. If you have a broad base to pull from, it becomes easier in the moment to start a conversation.
You'll have something to contribute when someone mentions a topic you've recently learned about, and it saves you from that awful feeling of standing there with nothing to say. Being curious about the world naturally makes you more engaging because you genuinely have things to share and discuss.
11. They admit to what they're feeling
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Sometimes the best approach is honesty. If you are starting a conversation with someone you don’t know, just say, “This is new for me, I’m not always comfortable networking/talking to new people.” This immediately builds rapport with whomever you are talking with, because they will want you to feel comfortable and appreciate the vulnerability.
A study on married adults published in an international research journal found a significant correlation between communication, intimacy, and trust, with changes in one variable influencing the others. Admitting you're nervous breaks down the performance barrier and invites real connection instead of small talk.
12. They practice their confidence
Find someone you trust — a significant other, a good friend, a mentor — and simulate a conversation like you are at a party or networking event.
Chances are, they would love to help and will give you some good ideas for when you approach new people for real. It will also be a fun way to learn about each other. Shyness is not something permanent, and you can overcome it with some effort and creativity. In the meantime, give yourself grace.
You desire authentic connections with those around you, and the people in your life love you all the more for it. Celebrate yourself as you are today! Appreciating yourself and the value you bring to those around you will help you feel confident sharing yourself with the world.
Amy Bracht is a coach and consultant with a knack for transforming high-level concepts into practical solutions. She crafts innovative strategies designed to guide individuals toward their full potential.
