10 Things Deeply Likable People Do On A Regular Basis, According To Psychology
Deeply likable people don't force connection. They just naturally draw people in.
ROMAN ODINTSOV | Pexels I haven’t always been liked, and I don’t encourage anyone to go about trying to be liked. However, I’ve learned over the years what behaviors tend to attract, and those which repel (I’ve been great at figuring out the latter!)
Over time, you may find this having a profound impact on your relationships. Research has shown that while these behavior shifts might seem too subtle to be noticed, the impact cannot be ignored. Absorb the following ideas, and let them make you into a deeply likable person.
Here are 10 things deeply likable people do on a regular basis, according to psychology:
1. Tune in fully when others speak
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Give people the space to process what they say properly. Allow a few extra seconds. You don’t always need to jump in with a response.
Let people finish their sentences, and then pause at the right moments to let them process even more. Silence is a powerful form of communication, too. I learned this as a coach.
People pay coaches huge sums just to be listened to and to have the space held for them to share and be listened to deeply. Listening will set you apart immediately.
Studies show that people who actively listen are perceived as more socially desirable interaction partners. Active listening fosters a dynamic space for open dialogue where individuals feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment.
2. Speak with honesty, not sugarcoating
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What’s the difference? Sincerity is based on the intention of helping and supporting another, even if done under the veil of a tease or humor. Being nice is based on your intention of appearing nice — it’s about you, not them.
‘Niceness’ is a form of manipulation, and people know when you’re doing this. Be baseline polite, yes — but ultimately — you want someone leaving the interaction feeling encouraged, lifted, and in a more energized place.
Honesty is strongly associated with authenticity with research explaining that when people feel that they can be themselves around you, the path is opened to fostering stronger connections. It's also important to remember that the way honesty is expressive, can also play a significant role in the effectiveness of this trait.
3. Acknowledge what people say
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A lot of people have no idea they are giving off a terrible impression and putting distance between themselves and the person they speak to. A huge reason for this is something many would consider too small to consider — but that’s why they miss it. They miss it because they’re wrapped up in trying to appear impressive (or they’re smiling and nodding too much like a donkey).
Subtly demonstrating that you’re listening and appreciating their words with an occasional nod, a reflective look, or an ‘uh-huh’ makes all the difference. This is supportive and is the kind of thing a strong leader does.
Nodding and acknowledging others through nonverbal cues are powerful tools in social interaction that can significantly increase a person's likability and approachability. A 2022 study explained that this subconscious phenomenon plays a vital role in building rapport and fostering positive perceptions in various social settings.
4. Stay in the moment
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This feeds into all the other points. Most people are not present. I had a problem with this for years, and it pushed people away. I was in the clouds, or over-analysis, or thinking of what next to say.
Others pick up on this quickly. Ever had a conversation with someone who just wasn’t there? Exactly. When you stay in the moment, you become more attractive too, because your self-consciousness is no longer.
5. Ask genuine questions
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Not one that you pre-prepared. Ask more questions that you could only have struck you in the moment, based on what they just said. Again, you’re demonstrating that you’re listening. This will force you to be in the moment, engage with what is being said, and take the conversation to a higher, more enlightening level.
Research indicates that asking genuine, follow-up questions significantly increases interpersonal liking. This is because it signals responsiveness, indicating active listening, understanding, validation, and care for the other person.
6. Repeat back what people say
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Most conversations comprise two one-way presentations. We talk, but we don’t demonstrate that we’ve listened. When the other speaks, we are lost in our thoughts, trying to come up with the next witty or interesting thing to say.
In this sense, most of us aren’t conversing at all. We’re speaking in someone’s direction. And then we wonder why everyone is resentful of one another and lacks a sense of connection. We don’t listen. We don’t open ourselves up to deep connections.
The first step is to repeat what someone says in your own words. You don’t always need to jump into providing a solution. Acknowledged what was said. This can be all someone needs to hear. Repeating back will make you listen, and will be appreciated by the speaker.
7. Think before opening their mouths
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Starting to see a pattern in these points? Do what most do not do. One thing that most people do is talk like it were their last day on the planet.
Yes, rapport has been known to improve when you can match the speaking pace of the other, so be careful here. I’m talking about giving permission, through your pacing, for everyone to relax. A good leader does this.
The conversation benefits from a relaxed frame, and others may slow down to match you. When you slow down, you will be able to think better and deliver with higher performance. You also come across as relaxed, thus confident, and of higher status.
8. Say what needs to be said
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Occasionally, say something that needs to be said that no one else is daring to say. Speak your mind honestly. Most people are stunted by socially programmed boundaries on what they can and cannot say, and most are thirsting for honesty.
Saying it straight will bring you respect. This can give you massive bonus points because it takes courage, but needs to be executed with care and awareness.
A study published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology found that individuals who spoke for more than half the time in a conversation were generally better liked by their conversation partners. This challenges the common assumption that speaking less makes you more likable.
9. Share their flaws
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Share a flaw occasionally. This doesn’t mean you’re a submissive and weak loser, nor does it mean you need to air your dirty laundry. Reveal something that took courage to share, but that ultimately helps the listener.
Rather than presenting yourself as perfect, sharing your struggles can help make others feel more comfortable and make you more relatable. Research on the Pratfall Effect suggests that making a mistake is linked to likability because it makes you appear more human and approachable.
10. Give without expectation
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I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but most people are running around giving things to people with expectations tied to their ‘charity.’ Be different.
Grow your tribe by giving value to one person at a time. Small tokens of appreciation. Little bits of value. Send a book you wrote. Connect two people. Send someone a letter out of the blue.
Do this without the expectation of getting anything back. This doesn’t mean you can’t focus on helping those whom you’d love to work with, for example, but it needn’t be tied to any immediate outcome. This is stressful for you and will be felt by the other.
Give, and give some more. This is one of the most freeing things you can do. You will gather admiration, and the rewards will come.
Alex Mathers is a writer and coach who helps you build a money-making personal brand with your knowledge and skills while staying mentally resilient. He's the author of the Mastery Den newsletter, which helps people triple their productivity.
