The Art Of Not Losing It This Holiday Season: 7 Ways To Protect Your Peace When Everyone's Being Annoying
Holiday chaos doesn't have to take you down.
Freestocks | Unsplash The holidays are supposed to be a wonderful time where everyone comes together to share the joy of the holidays. Self-management skills keep your emotions in check during the holidays. With so many tempers high, self-management skills for speaking and interacting with one another may not be up to par. And like our country, your family is not always communicating with each other in the way you'd hope.
You love your aunt and your cousin. Your children, sitting at the small folding table next to the adult table, are watching you. You're their models. Self-management skills will be required this holiday season, and they can do better if we do better. Moreover, children have a way of loving everyone for who they are — even in a big, burly sweater.
What if you could be proud of your self-management? What if you step into someone else’s shoes and try to remember who these people are and what they have meant to you? What if you pause before you speak? Self-management requires self-regulation, self-reflection, perspective-taking, and stepping into someone else’s shoes.
By understanding a person’s past and intentions — no matter how annoying they're being — you can project their possible reactions, and your self-awareness will help you react in measured and respectable ways.
Here are 7 ways to protect your peace this holiday season when everyone's being annoying:
1. Assume the best intentions
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Assume and remember the best intentions of those around you. What has each one done for you? This is especially important for the relatives on the other side of the aisle. For those relatives with whom you don’t share the same views, make an extra effort to listen to them. Validate their feelings and emotions.
You can say, “Interesting. I can see why you would feel that way.” As you express your opinions, remember to focus on the kindness, compassion, and respect your relative has shown you for years, as well as their acts of love and affection. What you say can damage your relationship.
2. Hear them out before jumping in
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What could be going on in their life? Has this year been particularly tough financially? Don’t assume motives. Ask open-ended questions and truly listen to the response without judgment.
When tensions rise during family gatherings, taking a moment to consider what might be happening in someone else's life can be transformative. Studies show that perspective-taking helps us understand that people's difficult behavior often stems from their circumstances rather than their character, making us less likely to judge them harshly and more likely to show compassion.
3. Ditch the sarcasm
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If you intend to speak to your family with respect, ditch the one-liners, zingers, and sarcasm. Breathe deeply, pause, and respond in a way that conveys respect. Keep your tone neutral and avoid words like “always” and “never.”
Research on conflict resolution emphasizes that maintaining the relationship should always take priority over "winning" the argument. By focusing on respect and understanding rather than being right, you can transform potentially explosive holiday moments into opportunities for genuine connection with family members who see things differently.
4. Don't interrupt or one-up
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Listening isn’t just not talking. It involves eye contact and connection. Keep facial expressions and body language relaxed and friendly. Don’t interrupt or “one-up” either.
Active listening involves full engagement through attentive body language and meaningful gestures. Research shows that maintaining eye contact conveys attentiveness and builds trust, while nodding encourages speakers to share more and enriches the conversation.
5. Manage your emotions instead of letting them control you
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Now, before the holidays arrive, make a mental or written note of the symptoms your body expresses when it becomes agitated. Come up with ways to lessen these reactions, so you don’t overheat and blow your top or say something you wish you didn’t. Use mindfulness to manage your emotions by recognizing the signs and breathing consciously to slow your mind and thoughts.
Research shows that mindfulness meditation helps people react less emotionally to stressful situations, which can reduce feelings of depression. By noticing your body's stress signals before the holidays and practicing simple breathing exercises, you'll have practical tools to stay calm when difficult family moments arise, even when someone's really pushing your buttons.
6. Don’t climb onto a soapbox
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It is highly unlikely that you will influence or change anyone’s deep-seated beliefs over pumpkin pie. Keep away from the lectures and ask for another slice of pie instead. The holiday dinner table isn't the place for deep conversations that might change someone's mind. Research shows that throwing facts at people during emotionally charged family gatherings simply doesn't work.
7. Seek out the similarities, not the differences
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Humans share a lot in common as a species. Emphasize commonality and stay away from shaming or declarations of incompatibility. This holiday season, instead of banning certain topics, institute rules of respect. Insist on giving each member equal time, refrain from interruptions, and allow a retort.
It's time to listen to one another, show respect to your peers, and practice the skills of empathy in order to form a connection. Now more than ever, you need to be reminded of those skills and practice them with gusto.
Caroline Maguire, ACCG, PCC, M.Ed., is a personal coach who works with children with ADHD and the families who support them.
