The Art Of Great Convo: 3 Simple Habits Of People Everyone Loves Speaking To
Brett Wharton | Unsplash What is it about parties, get-togethers, dinners, and reunions that is so polarizing? People either love them or hate them. For people who experience a lot of chronic worry, the aftermath of a gathering is so full of self-critical thoughts and scrutinizing their every interaction, it makes even what originally seemed like a fun time feel like a flop.
Do you sometimes feel like an outsider at a gathering? Do you receive an invitation and cringe? You might be the kind of person for whom mingling at a BBQ is as appealing as having a root canal. But you can learn how to stay calm and get in touch with what works for you to become a master of small talk and a person everyone loves talking to.
Here are three simple habits of people everyone loves speaking to:
1. They just go for it
Consider, what is your default or knee-jerk sense of how others will feel about you when you walk into a gathering? Some people almost innately feel that they will be loved, welcomed, and included. Others have a sense of danger that they will not fit in or cannot trust others. This, of course, may vary group to group depending upon the context. For those of us who don’t relish the idea of a group function, though, having a real-life research experiment at hand is a good excuse to go.
Breathe and see what comes up in you. Take a few notes if you can about what strong feelings you have and where you feel them in your body. See if they change from person to person, conversation to conversation.
Research confirms that there is a significant relationship between attachment insecurity during infancy or early childhood and the development of anxiety in adolescence. That uneasiness you feel might be a message from a much younger version of you who's still carrying old lessons about belonging. So ask yourself this: What interactions feel best to you, and which ones are difficult? Can you imagine at what age you first discovered these sensations and messages?
Maybe there is a young part of you who still carries some pain, sadness, or anxiety about social events. Perhaps you can check in with that part, offering it a little compassion and letting it know that you are there now. Young parts of us love it when they realize we are grown and they do not have to go to the party alone.
2. They gravitate toward the person who looks like they could use a little company
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In this scenario, you can have a nice impact on someone else or allow that person to bring a smile to your face. You don’t have to entertain the entire crowd of people if crowds aren’t your thing. That doesn’t mean you can’t have an impact or be a part of the party.
By finding one person who feels approachable and giving them some attention, you have contributed to a warm and happy atmosphere. And, let’s face it, that contributes to a good BBQ.
You don't need to work the whole room to leave feeling connected. On the contrary, science says one genuine interaction is enough. Research found that students experienced greater happiness and greater feelings of belonging on days when they interacted with more classmates than usual, and this held even for brief exchanges with people they barely knew.
Again, notice your motivation and what you hear yourself say in your mind. If you spend the entire time listening to the part in your head that criticizes you or others at the party, it will be almost impossible to truly "meet" someone.
Your goal in this technique is to have just a moment to appreciate someone and feel a comfortable connection. When a kind smile and warm eyes meet, the impact is palpable and important for both people — and even for people with pets.
As in the first method, you can also treat this as an experiment. Jot down a few notes about what it feels like to make even the briefest warm encounter. Notice any feelings that get confused or frightened.
You can get curious about these feelings and help them later. Don’t forget to celebrate any moments of goodness, love, comfort, and confidence.
3. They informally give themselves a 'job' at an event
You might be more comfortable doing something rather than just being someone. This isn’t to say that who you are is not enough. However, if you naturally derive comfort from having a purpose and contributing physically, it’s totally fine to have a role at the party rather than just showing up to chat.
This method celebrates what you like about yourself. Your role can be an actual one you have coordinated with the host, or one that you quietly take on for yourself.
Research shows that one of the best ways to ease social anxiety is to shift your mental spotlight away from yourself and onto something external. When you have a job to do, your brain naturally stops obsessing over how you're coming across and starts focusing on what needs to get done.
For example, you could volunteer to help with the grilling, clean up food areas, or garbage. Maybe you offer water to guests, stoke the campfire, or bring a special food item. Your skills might lead you to help with kids, set up a game, or provide music.
Big or small, it doesn’t matter as long as it feels comfortable for you. This method isn’t about you having to feel like you fit in. It’s about being yourself in the most comfortable way you can. Again, notice how this feels and remember that you are contributing to the community gathered there by just being a kind and willing helper.
So take a few small steps outside of your comfort zone. Look around you at your next picnic, event, or BBQ. Breathe and allow your body to calm. Seek out a smile and accept it. Appreciate even one thing you see. Slow down and notice the messages you give yourself. It all matters.
Most of all, notice parts of you that feel broken or imperfect. These parts of you need your love and care. Honestly, with a little attention, they may be your strongest assets. Allow your humanness to join you to others around you — a little at a time.
Ingrid Helander is a marriage and family therapist helping people who suffer from insecurity, doubt, impossible communication patterns, and overwhelming stress.
