The Art Of Subtle Attraction: 8 Ways Confident Women Start Over After A Really Bad Breakup
SHOTPRIME | Canva You learned to sail because he loved the open seas. You became a tequila aficionado because your ex went gaga for agave. You may have even started eating differently. In relationships, we often blend our identities with our partner's, and we end up feeling lost after a breakup, unsure of how to get over a breakup and move on.
As if we needed proof, a study from Northwestern University confirms it: "Across three different studies, we found that when a relationship ends, people think their self has changed. They change their hair, their friends, and their goals for the future," says study author Erica B. Slotter, M.A. While a drop-dead gorgeous new 'do can make you feel better, all this change can be rattling. "Being less sure of who people are contributes to the emotional stress that happens when a breakup occurs."
Here are 8 ways confident women start over after a really bad breakup:
1. Gather your gal and guy pals for support
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No man — or woman — is an island, and this is the time to cash in all those late nights spent listening to other people's problems. "You need support to know that others care and to process your feelings and get it all out," says Susan J. Elliott, author of Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss Into the Best Thing That Ever Happened To You.
Research shows that social support was a significant factor in predicting wellbeing after a breakup. Your friends aren't just there to listen to you cry, they're actually helping your brain heal.
2. Talk to a professional if you need to
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Your friends and family aren't your only outlets. "Look for other places for support, too — a therapist, a support group, online communities," suggests Elliott. A network can help you find a qualified relationship professional to help you. Social media or in-person meet-ups can be a great place to reconnect with old friends when you're ready to start socializing again.
Support groups led by caring therapists offer a safe, supportive space to explore the complex feelings that come with relationship loss. Having multiple outlets helps you process everything more fully and reminds you that you're not going through this alone. How do you know it's time to seek professional help? When you feel really down and disinterested in life after a month or two, or when you feel despair. You will benefit from talking to a therapist because asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Mental health experts suggest considering therapy if depressive symptoms last beyond two weeks without improvement. If you're struggling to function at work or in other relationships, reaching out for professional support can make a real difference in your recovery.
3. Don't lean on mutual friends
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Yes, talking is good. But you want to avoid reconnecting with your former "his-and-her" friends early on. "Being in touch with mutual friends will be a temptation to talk about what he is doing, and you don't want to be in that position," says Elliott. Contact with an ex-partner can be associated with greater emotional distress following a romantic separation, studies have found. Mutual friends can easily become a pipeline back to your ex, which is exactly what you're trying to avoid right now.
4. When you're feeling better, take a trip by yourself
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While it's smart to surround yourself with friends, smart women find that taking a solo voyage is a great way to focus on the future. "If you do it too early, you're just going to feel more alone. Once you are feeling optimistic, it's a great idea to book an adventure," Elliott advises.
Traveling on your own gives you two of the most important things you need to heal from a breakup, which are time and space, according to relationship experts. The change in routine can help clear your mind and create brand new memories that belong only to you.
5. Make the most of your free time
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What is important to you? A hobby? Your work? Or something you haven't tried because you were too busy playing First Mate to your ex's Captain? "Rediscover things that make you who you are and find new interests and hobbies that you didn't have time for."
Research found that a significant amount of the distress people experienced after a breakup was predicted by the confusion they felt afterward. Turns out rediscovering who you are outside the relationship isn't just good advice, it's actually key to feeling better.
6. Keep a journal
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Just like talking, putting pen to paper can be cleansing in getting over a breakup. "Processing your thoughts and feelings is very important. Put it on paper so you can see how you are doing," warns Elliott. Journaling helps get your thoughts and feelings onto paper so you can uncover what you're going through and work through solutions while writing, which can help you learn more about what you actually want moving forward.
7. Force yourself to live your life
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Elliot says, "Keep a balance between letting out your feelings and building your life. Give yourself time each and every day for doing both." So this means taking the time to cry, but drying your eyes and moving on with your day — and eventually, your life. Only then can you truly understand how to rebuild your life after a breakup.
Finding a balance between talking about the breakup and engaging in other topics and activities is important, according to psychological counseling experts. Allowing yourself to feel your emotions while also moving through your daily life helps you heal without getting stuck in negative thinking.
8. Try not to rebound
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Carve out your own life and don't jump into a relationship. And when you do get into another relationship, don't lose your identity and important pursuits again. Retain your individuality even when you are partnered. Studies indicate around 90% of rebound relationships end within the first year. Taking time to rebuild your sense of self first gives you a much better shot at a healthy relationship down the road.
Amy Levin-Epstein is a freelance writer whose has been published in Glamour, Self, Prevention, More, Food Network, Pregnancy and the New York Post. Her work can also be read online on the websites for CBS Moneywatch, Babble, Details, Woman's Day, Men's Fitness and AOL.
