Kids Raised By Deeply Unhappy Parents Usually Carry 8 Habits Into Adulthood
NadyaEugene | Shutterstock There are so many reasons a parent may be unhappy, like a bad relationship or money issues. Parental burnout and exhaustion take their toll, especially where the parent has their own unresolved issues from their childhood.
Regardless of why, having an unhappy parent has a powerful affect on a child. When it goes unaddressed, the sadness can affect their entire lives, including friendships and romantic relationships into adulthood.
Kids raised by deeply unhappy parents often carry habits like these into adulthood:
1. They feel extra sensitive around people in a bad mood
PeopleImages | Shutterstock.com
Negativity can be socially contagious, even when you’re not living with it every single day. For kids in their most vulnerable state, being around deeply unhappy parents leaves a strong imprint. Not only do these bad moods become early warning signs of their parent's distance or anger, they become a reason to suppress and hide their own feelings.
That’s why the “it’s probably my fault” mentality is what most of these adult children continue to struggle with in adulthood. It feels like they have control of the situation if they blame themselves, even when it ultimately comes at their expense. As adults, when someone in the room is in a bad mood, it can feel like all the warning flags are being raised. They can feel it run up the back of their spine, almost, as the nervous system is elevated.
This can be worked through with support and therapy, but it's not simple.
2. They forget to ask themselves whether they even like someone
When they’re on a first date or trying to make a good impression with a potential friend, it’s often adult kids from homes where a parent was depressed or otherwise deeply unhappy who ask “Do they like me?” before even thinking, wait, do I actually like them?
With unhappy parents, they had to prove they were worthy of love and affection, or at least they felt they did. Kids naturally try to control any outcomes they can, so they instinctively felt they had to work to be liked and to be given the attention they should’ve had all along. So, it’s really no surprise that they do the same now, trying to cope with a fear of being rejected or misunderstood.
Too often, they'd rather be what the other person wants and needs, sacrificing their own preferences. They don't realize how tied this behavior is to their childhood, but the patterns are clear from the outside.
3. They shut down pity and dismiss their struggles
Unhappy, dysregulated childhood environments often lead to coping mechanisms like avoidance and even emotional numbness. These kids are used to their needs not mattering or not being the most important thing, so they’ve learned to dismiss them to feel more stable around others, at least for a few moments. After all, if they don't ask for connection, they can't feel rejected when they don't get any, right?
That’s the spiral of guilt and shame that many kids with childhood trauma face later in life. They believe that everything is their fault, and end up avoiding pity and even genuine empathy. This can lead to a very lonely life, sadly.
4. They feel like they’re always in trouble for something
According to psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis, many kids with dysregulated and/or unhappy parents end up feeling a sense of chronic unease and impending doom for their entire lives. Not only are they used to taking the blame for things that aren’t their fault, like someone else’s mood, but they shame themselves into taking responsibility for everything without boundaries.
If someone misses a text, they’re ending the relationship. If they miss a meeting at work by accident, they’re getting fired. If someone gives them a side eye on the train, they’re being weird or doing something wrong. It’s all or nothing, because that’s how they had to be as kids to find a fleeting sense of control.
5. They shut down when they’re sad or angry
MDV Edwards | Shutterstock.com
Emotionally dysregulated, sad parents breed just as out-of-touch children. Without the lessons in emotional regulation and a safe space to feel what they’re feeling without fear, these adult kids become adults who often mirror their parents emotionally.
From outsized outbursts when suppressed feelings bubble up to shutting down completely when they’re angry or embarrassed, these adult children end up harboring a kind of internal turmoil that’s hard to settle. Especially because their parents’ unhappiness often took center stage, there’s a whole wave of guilt, shame, and confusion that comes with these huge emotions.
6. Deep inside, they believe they have to be perfect to be loved
In order to feel seen and valued, kids have to go out of their way to prove their worth to unhappy parents. Often that looked like academic success, perfect obedience, or constant hyper-vigilance at home. It also often looks like being totally lacking in emotional needs. They become the steady, reliable one who helps out without having to be asked.
As adults, this baseline belief that they’re only lovable if they’re high-performing or self-sacrificng lingers, not just in their relationships, but also in the workplace, friendships, and their own self-esteem.
They struggle to make mistakes. They rarely express themselves vulnerably. They often feel responsible for everything going right, even if it means trying to fix bad attitudes and struggles that are none of their business in others.
7. They ask people if they're mad way too often
When someone constantly asks “Are you mad?” or “Did I do something wrong?” it’s easy to assume they’re just insecure. Some might even call these kinds of partners and friends “clingy.” But in reality, the root cause of this hyper-vigilance often stems back to childhood, like living with unhappy parents who always made their kids feel like their moods were their fault.
They scan the room for sadness and anger. They shift their behavior if they sense someone is upset. They usually blame themselves for anyone’s mood, even if they have nothing to do with it. Before they have a conversation with the person or regulate themselves, they jump to self-blame.
8. They numb themselves into feeling nothing
PeopleImages | Shutterstock.com
Unhappy parents tend to punish their children for emotions. Even when they’re happy and excited, a dysregulated parent finds a way to make them feel bad about feeling whatever they’re feeling. They may even discipline a child for expressing emotions that they never took the time to teach them how to process.
As kids, they learned quickly that shoving down all their emotions, filtering their expression, and feeling nothing were safer than being themselves. As adults, that unfortunately sticks around.
Even if nobody else is around to gaslight them into doubting their feelings and dulling their sparkle with a contagious kind of negativity, they’ve learned to do it automatically on their own.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
