Meet The Mother Who Wants Her 19-Year-Old Son Arrested
Mom Goes Viral For Publicly Demanding the Arrest Of Her 19-Year-Old Son
Rkakoka | Shutterstock As I write this, the world is reeling from yet another group of men who did something heinous and, yet again, faced little to no consequences.
On October 20, 2024, seven fraternity brothers at Cornell University allegedly attacked an intoxicated woman (Jane Doe) for several hours straight. They advertised “free access” in their Snapchat group, which contained 50 other young men who did nothing. When Jane Doe reported it, none of her assailants were arrested. Only two were expelled.
The rest were instructed to write essays about their wrongdoing.
This event is not an anomaly. Over the past few years alone, we’ve seen the Epstein Files, Gisèle Pelicot, and countless assault allegations against men in America’s highest positions of power.
Personally, I am so sick of men doing whatever they want to women while friends, families, and institutions protect the abusers over the victims.
That’s why one woman’s story stopped me in my tracks
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Last week, I was scrolling through TikTok when I saw a video of a mother calling for her own son’s arrest:
“I would like police to arrest my 19-year-old son. Yes, that is exactly what I just said. I am his mom; that is my child, I would like him arrested. I have watched my son have these behaviors for years that have been met with safety plans and referrals and warnings, and a whole lot of second chances. […] But most of the time, someone needs a consequence that they cannot talk, manipulate, or charm their way out of. […] My son is an adult, and he lives in a world with other people who deserve safety, just as much as he does.”
Fascinated by this mother’s bold stance, I reached out to her for an interview.
Annie Willems is both a biological and an adoptive mother of four children. She learned that her adopted son had abused her youngest daughter over a five-year period. When the abuse began, he was nine, and she was four.
He also took substances, ran away from home, made impulsive decisions that put others at risk, and was accused of assaulting others.
The family tried psych holds, partial hospitalization programs, group homes, and stabilization units. “His behavior was similar in all environments,” said Willems. Even in the secure adolescent inpatient program where he spent nearly nine months (the highest level of mental and behavioral health care available in Willems’ state), he behaved inappropriately towards other patients.
Willems said, “I watched him continue to cause harm to others [and] blame others for his choices. It became very clear to me that I was the only one holding him accountable in any way, and my silence translated to him as approval/permission. I cannot sit back and allow my son to live without accountability. I am not helping my son be safer to himself and others if I protect and defend him.”
Willems has received ample criticism online for her stance on mothering. Her son’s birth family does not want her to speak publicly about his actions, and her son is now also online, making content that pushes back against the allegations.
But her words have received ample praise, too. The top comment on Willems’ video reads, “I can think of 7 moms I’d like to hear this from.” It has 60k likes.
As a journalist, I have to admit: I’m not exactly unbiased about this topic
Growing up, my brother had untreated bipolar disorder and likely a narcissistic personality disorder. Even though I was several years younger than him, I was the one talking him down, mediating his violent outbursts, and trying to set boundaries.
Yes, he was hospitalized, yes, I called the cops more times than I can count, and yes, he was eventually arrested, but he could talk himself out of anything. Most of the time, he’d threaten suicide, and my parents (desperate to keep their son alive) would cave. Cater to him. Bail him out.
I watched as this boy who didn’t understand consequences became a man who didn’t understand consequences.
According to Avigail Lev, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of Bay Area CBT Center, children need limits as much as they need love.
“In Schema Therapy, one of a child’s core emotional needs is realistic limits,” said Dr. Lev. “They need to hear no, to face consequences when they hurt others, and to learn that other people’s feelings matter as much as their own. When that need isn’t met, entitlement develops.”
Many parents assume children will grow out of their entitlement, but without consequences, the entitlement grows, and the behaviors escalate. Even if parents are holding their kids accountable, our patriarchal society often humbles, disciplines, and reinforces consequences for girls in ways it does not for boys.
Girls and women are held to higher standards in school; criticized for prioritizing their own needs in social situations; expected to shoulder more emotional labor in relationships; punished more harshly for their boundaries at work; blamed for other people’s actions in cases of harassment and abuse.
That’s why boys are especially prone to entitlement
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According to Dr. Lev, daughters are conditioned to be the good girl: play nice, be polite, cater to other people’s needs. Boys, however, are conditioned to focus on themselves, to put their needs above everyone else’s.
While women are often shamed for selfishness, “men are not conditioned to see selfishness as a bad thing,” said Dr. Lev. “I see the result of this in the schema questionnaires on my website: men are more likely to have an entitlement schema, and women are more likely to have a self-sacrifice schema.”
Self-sacrificing daughters may also become self-sacrificing mothers, who excuse their sons’ behavior with phrases like “boys will be boys” and identify too strongly with the title of “Boy Mom," a mother-son dynamic that’s often over-protective, subconsciously misogynistic, and harmfully enmeshed.
“Many mothers, and many women in general, were taught that love means accommodating, giving in, and putting up with being mistreated,” said Dr. Lev. “But stopping someone from harming you is an act of love, both for yourself and for the person doing the harm.”
In other words, sometimes loving your child means refusing to shield them from their own discomfort, because discomfort is the most effective teacher we encounter in this life.
We, as parents and as a society, also need to deconstruct this culture: the jokes, excuses, victim-blaming, and social scripts that teach boys that their impulses and egos matter more than a girl’s safety and well-being.
This shift in perspective needs to start as early as possible
According to violence prevention educator Haley Kloha, the type of entitlement that causes rape and intimate partner violence starts as early as toddlerhood:
Imagine your five-year-old son is harassing a little girl on the playground. Most parents would rush straight to the boy, reprimanding him for his actions — but whether it’s good attention or bad attention, it’s still attention.
And since humans are social creatures, the brain may register any kind of attention as reinforcement.
Instead, turn to the little girl. Ask if she’s okay. Acknowledge her feelings. Ask what she needs. Then, only after she has been heard and comforted, address the boy’s behavior. Kloha recommends requiring repair through legitimate action: Have him fix the toy he broke, or go get her an ice pack.
This shifts the attention from the perpetrator to the victim. It shows boys that bad behavior comes with consequences — not attention, excuses, or entitlement.
Annie Willems, it seems, understands this concept more than most: “I would not be showing love for my son if I chose to ignore, cover up, or enable his behavior,” she said. “I would be adding to the harm.”
Maria Cassano is a writer, editor, and journalist whose work has appeared in HuffPost, NBC, Bustle, CNN, The Daily Beast, Food & Wine, and USA Today, among others.
