People With A Weakness For Self-Pity Usually Have 9 Traits That Make Things Worse
AŃDY | Pexels Even though it can feel comforting to pity ourselves when we're stressed, it's dangerous.
As a 2003 study explains, self-pitying people not only have more suppressed anger and inner turmoil, but also tend to feel less in control of their lives. But there's a reason why people with a weakness for self-pity have traits that make everything worse, as they feel uncertain and insecure already.
Traits of people who make things worse when they have a weakness for self-pity
1. They label discomfort as bad
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
If someone needs validation to feel secure, there's a pretty good chance they're not equipped to regulate their emotions when they go through discomfort or hardship. Not only does this remove any opportunity for them to become more resilient, but they live a wildly anxious life, depending on everyone else for comfort.
They constantly make excuses for not taking accountability or learning from mistakes. They don't own up to where their lives need to change. They don't realize that they're invalidating their agency and sabotaging their quality of life along the way.
2. They exaggerate their problems
The more dramatic someone can make their problems, the more attention they're going to get when they complain about them. They might even get a pass to live a more comfortable life in the face of other people's pity if they can make sure to exaggerate them enough.
Over time, inflating your problems and hyper-focusing on a victim mentality only curates a sense of helplessness. If you can't deal with and heal from your problems, you'll never grow. When exaggerating your own issues invalidates someone else's or dismisses them entirely, it's only a matter of time before you'll find yourself completely isolated.
3. They use bad luck as an excuse
Self-pitying people remove their agency and try to blame their problems on everyone and everything else. "Nothing ever works out" for them, and they always "have bad luck," but in reality, they're removing themselves from accountability over the direction of their own life.
It's easier for them to blame other people and things for their misfortunes than to confront their mistakes and issues that make their lives unfulfilling or unhappy.
4. They shift blame to others
Many people with poor emotional regulation skills and dysregulation internally shift blame onto others to feel somewhat in control. If they have a tendency to pity themselves, they're always going to find a way to paint themselves as the victim, even if it means putting someone else in a difficult situation.
If they're the victim, they can secure the kind of reassurance and attention they need. But if they're taking accountability and admitting fault, they have to figure out how to mediate those mistakes on their own, which they rarely have the tools to handle.
5. They need external validation to feel secure
MDV Edwards | Shutterstock
When someone lacks a feeling of security in themselves, they often turn to external sources to feel comfortable. For some people, that's busyness and work. For others, it's friends and peers. They need something or someone to make them feel important and supported.
They look for attention, reassurance, validation, and comfort in other people, which only amplifies their sense of self-pity when they inevitably return to their own lives and spend time with themselves.
6. They get easily jealous of others
Because they've painted themselves in a somewhat helpless way with little agency over the direction of their own life, it's easy for self-pitying people to feel resentment and jealousy toward others.
They believe they've achieved something or found success because of something outside of themselves. It soothes their own feeling of failure for not reaching the same standard.
In the moment, this perception of someone else's life may stop them from feeling ashamed for their own lack of discipline or motivation, but over time, it keeps them stagnant.
7. They hold onto regrets and grudges
If someone needs to be the victim all the time to protect their own comfort, chances are they're always going to keep a regret or past trauma in their back pocket. Rather than leaning into the discomfort of growth, they keep them fresh, using them as excuses for their moods and mistakes.
If pitying themselves and seeking reassurance from others is how they feel most secure, they need evidence to support their own struggles. Even when it keeps them sad and powerless, they feel safer than stepping out of their comfort zone and finally taking responsibility for their own lives.
8. They're pessimistic
Ironically, many people don't sympathize with self-pitying people because they seem to have enough of that energy for themselves. In reality, this negative attitude actually stems from self-criticism.
These people aren't necessarily pitying themselves, but are being wildly hard on themselves. They don't believe in themselves and set impossibly high standards. They might even condemn themselves to bad situations as evidence for their pessimistic attitude.
Considering that negativity can be quite contagious and pessimism can disturb someone's quality of life, they feel unhappy. They're isolating themselves from others by constantly bringing a bad energy to interactions and spaces.
9. They self-sacrifice
DexonDee | Shutterstock
When you're looking for pity from others or clinging to a miserable attitude, self-sacrifice can become a natural habit.
You start to put your well-being on the line and make all kinds of grandiose commitments. It's not because you're confident you can handle it, but because you know it will create a situation where you're the victim or the object of someone's pity.
If you need other people's validation constantly, these are the situations where you're most likely to get it, even when it comes at your own expense.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
