9 Phrases Used By Insecure Relatives Who Try To Undermine You At Family Dinners
Julia M Cameron | Pexels There's nothing worse than attending a family event, only to fight with defensive or attention-seeking relatives.
These relatives are projecting their insecurities. And because these people are supposed to care about and love you unconditionally, it feels personal. They're taking their own inner turmoil out on you with unexpected, harmful phrases to undermine you at family dinners.
Insecure relatives use these phrases to undermine you at family dinners
1. 'You wouldn't get it'
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When traditional family members try to exclude other people because they aren't married and don't have kids, or have non-traditional jobs, it's usually because they're realizing that all of those achievements don't actually make them feel good about themselves.
They want other people to feel excluded to validate their success. They clearly can't feel proud of or secure in themselves without putting others down.
2. 'Don't forget about us now'
When someone's afraid of being abandoned or is jealous of another person's success, a phrase like "don't forget about me" can instantly reveal their insecurities.
Even if they use a joking tone or humor to mask their fears, they can't help but speak their worries out loud. In a way, they're trying to make us feel guilty about our accomplishments, because bringing us down to their level makes them feel less alone.
3. 'You're acting so different'
We often outgrow partners and end friendships when it's clear that our growth isn't celebrated. But it can feel impossible at times to make space with relatives, despite them misbehaving in the face of our success.
"You're acting so different" might be a genuine phrase around someone you haven't seen or a compliment in some scenarios, but it's someone projecting their own insecurities. They haven't grown, and instead of taking ownership of that, they target the people around them who have.
4. 'Are you too good for us now?'
For women especially, whose ambition or assertiveness is often perceived as threatening in family situations, being successful can make family dynamics feel strange. People who used to feel important and superior are forced to look inward, and the shame they feel manifests in questions like this one.
They need a way to process feeling poorly about themselves, and usually, for someone who can't regulate their own feelings well, that means putting others down.
5. 'I just don't need that to be happy'
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Sure, keep convincing yourself that you don't, because you can spot an insecure relative by a phrase like this. They're so determined to tell you that they're happy without whatever achievement you have, but their energy tells a different story.
It's this kind of jealousy that sneaks quietly into a lot of different relationships. They're clearly jealous of whatever you have, but the phrases they use are working overtime trying to mediate their insecurities.
6. 'You used to be a lot less uptight'
If an insecure relative isn't confident about their own achievements or is threatened by your growth, you might cling to how you used to be in family situations. "You used to be a lot less uptight" and "you've changed so much" may seem harmless, but they feel incredibly patronizing and condescending.
They need to make you feel small to cope with their own jealousy, even if they don't have the words to express those complicated feelings out loud.
7. 'Well, I'm family, so...'
Anyone who uses their family relationships or blood bonds as an excuse to overstep boundaries or be disrespectful is struggling internally. They're projecting their own lack of control onto everything else, trying to undermine you to feel better.
"We'll, I'm family" is just an excuse, whether it comes from a parent or a cousin at a family gathering. It's a justification for the kind of behavior that nobody would reasonably tolerate in any of their relationships, even if it was with someone they were related to.
8. 'You need to move on'
Insecure people undermine relatives' family trauma and make them feel bad for bringing up their feelings. They prefer to protect their willful ignorance rather than admit they made a mistake. They won't create space for someone's complicated feelings that they don't know how to deal with.
For adult children, this lack of communication is a huge point of tension with their parents. Hearing a phrase like "you need to move on" isn't doing anyone any favors, other than protecting someone's comfort in the moment.
9. 'That's what parents do'
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Even when they're belittling someone or overstepping boundaries, insecure relatives will find any way to justify their misbehavior. They're also the first people to pretend like they're ignorant or to make you feel guilty for holding your boundaries firmly.
"That's what parents do" undermines your autonomy and decision-making ability as an adult. But to protect their own dysregulation and insecurity, they'll do whatever it takes, even at the expense of their loved ones.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
