Kids Raised By Parents Who Used The Silent Treatment Usually Carry 8 Habits Into Adulthood
William Larsen | Pexels Manipulative or narcissistic parents create big emotional problems for kids, but small tactics like the silent treatment can be just as destructive.
A parent-child relationship is strained by parents willing to ice out their own children, and kids also carry psychological distress with them into adulthood. Many of the habits they have as adults are directly related to the shame they felt growing up with parents who used this insidious tactic.
When parents use the silent treatment, their kids carry these habits into adulthood
1. They avoid setting boundaries
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
Children who are given the silent treatment are often flooded with all kinds of complicated emotions without ever knowing what they did wrong. Their parents weaponize their feelings against them without ever saying "this hurt my feelings" or "let's fix this together."
They never have a chance to advocate for themselves or reflect because they're too worried about their parents. As adults, the low self-esteem and insecurity this leaves behind often sabotages their ability to stand up for themselves.
They're so worried about being abandoned or rejected to set boundaries for themselves or express their concerns.
2. They struggle to express their complex emotions
Emotionally dysregulated parents are usually the only ones who use tactics like the silent treatment to deal with their feelings. Adults who can't handle their own emotions become hostile parents who use their kids as a vessel for their feelings.
Their kids don't just miss out on opportunities to watch healthy emotional regulation at home, but they often become afraid of expressing how they feel. They take that lack of self-awareness and emotional intelligence into adulthood with them, as well as a genuine fear that self-expression is going to isolate them.
3. They over-apologize
People on the other end of the silent treatment avoid conflict and arguments at all costs. They can't imagine a scenario in which someone healthily communicates their concerns and isn't immediately shamed and blamed.
That's how they were raised. They blame themselves for everything because they're used to being ignored without knowing what they did wrong. To protect their fragile sense of self, taking blame for everything feels more safe in the moment.
4. They push people away
On top of being unable to meet their own needs out of fear, children raised in this kind of family dynamic struggle with avoidant attachments in their relationships as adults. They don't know how to communicate their needs or expectations, but still expect everyone to meet them.
The only way they know how to deal with being upset is to shut down and run away. That doesn't change just because they're dealing with friends or partners instead of their toxic parents.
5. They make the same mistakes
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
According to psychologist Barbara Greenberg, parents who use the silent treatment don't just overlook opportunities to teach their kids how to process emotions, they also sabotage teaching healthy reflection. Kids never have a chance to dive deeper into their actions and reflect on what they could do better, as they don't even know why their parents are upset.
Instead, they take blame for everything and learn to people-please to protect the peace at home. It sabotages their confidence over time. As adults, without self-awareness, they make the same mistakes over and over again, seeking comfort over growth.
6. They think they're unwanted
Feeling invisible as a child sabotages their self-worth, sometimes as early as five years old when they're developing their self-esteem. They believe their worthiness comes from other people's peace and comfort.
So, they people-please in relationships and avoid expressing their true feelings because they believe they're unwanted or unlovable. They make all kinds of justifications for overlooking their own needs, both out of fear of rejection and abandonment.
While this is often a difficult personal, internal experience, it also ruins their relationships. They assume they're unwanted, so they become avoidant, which makes other people feel disregarded.
7. They assume the worst
Even if it's just a minor inconvenience or a harmless argument, adult children who have been emotionally stonewalled by their parents assume the worst.
They're used to believing they're unlovable or bad. As adults, they walk away from relationships and accept people don't love them just because of a bad mood or an argument.
They live in a state of constant fear and anxiety, trying to please others to protect their relationships and self-worth. But they don't realize that they're actually sabotaging healthy connections by neglecting their own needs.
8. They make desperate attempts for attention
Cira123 | Shutterstock
As adults, these people are overly accommodating when they sense someone's in a bad mood or getting defensive in an argument. They feel desperate for someone's attention when they believe they're being ignored.
Even if their partner or friend isn't intentionally giving them the silent treatment, the small cues their parents used, like a disappointed look or ignoring phone calls, all point to the feelings of despair and confusion they felt as kids.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
