Women Raised By Mentally & Emotionally Hostile Mothers Usually Have 9 Habits As Adults
Alina Degli | Pexels Growing up with hostile parents harms childhood mental health, but specifically growing up with a neglectful, chaotic mother can sabotage emotional well-being for life.
Children learn a lot from their mothers early in life and it's this foundational relationship that shapes their adult lives. But for women raised by mentally and emotionally hostile mothers, it's these habits that feel hard to break free from.
Women raised by hostile mothers usually have these habits as adults
1. They struggle to cope with difficult emotions
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Kids with hostile parents who have a tendency to react intensely often develop poor regulation skills themselves. They're so used to running away from arguments and hiding their emotions to keep the peace that it becomes more familiar to avoid than to face their feelings head-on.
In adulthood, they may use similarly unhealthy coping mechanisms out of fear that people will react just like their parents did. So, they'll people-please or distract themselves to avoid introspection, making it clear that their childhood trauma is still affecting them.
2. They over-apologize to keep the peace
Children with emotionally reactive, unpredictable parents often develop over-apologizing habits to avoid setting their parents off. Even if they didn't do anything wrong, they apologize to keep the peace.
They're compensating for their parents' lack of emotional regulation skills. Not only do they end up with more self-blaming behaviors in adulthood, but they also avoid all kinds of necessary arguments and hard conversations. It's all to avoid the punishment they believe they'll receive for expressing their concerns.
3. They search for comfort in vices
Mothers are often more responsible for caregiving at home, which makes them a pillar of safety and security in their kids' lives. But when they instead become an unpredictable force, it can force their kids to search for comfort in all the wrong places.
As adults, women raised by moms like this seek attention from the wrong people or use unhealthy vices to suppress their emotions. They hold onto poor coping mechanisms for immediate comfort.
Because they're used to living in fight-or-flight mode, finding comfort in these places feels more secure than leaning on someone else or trusting another person to show up for them.
4. They seek praise from others
Many insecure people need validation from others, and that often dates back to childhood trauma where they had to perform for their basic needs. For kids with hostile mothers, people-pleasing was the only way they'd feel safe at home.
The same is true in their adult relationships. These adult women hide their concerns and try to be perfect for everyone else. But they don't realize that they're sabotaging self-trust by placing their well-being in someone else's hands.
5. They try to control everything
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The dysregulation that kids from this kind of unpredictability experience later in life manifests in unexpected controlling behaviors. In order to feel a sense of security, which is difficult considering they tend to be more anxious and stressed, they try to control everything.
They rely on the control of their external lives to feel secure, whether it's other people's perceptions of them or their daily routines. This is rarely a long-term solution to their inner turbulence, considering that life and the world are uncertain. It can't be controlled, no matter how hard they try.
6. They isolate themselves
Without emotional regulation skills or an ability to communicate how they're feeling, when they're too stressed to function, these adult women isolate themselves. They're used to dealing with everything on their own and never asking for help out of fear.
A need to isolate can come out of nowhere for them, because they're used to suppressing their emotions and letting them build up. While it might bring immediate relief, over time these emotions find unexpected ways to bubble up in the most inconvenient moments, much like they did for their hostile mothers at home.
7. They always think about what could go wrong
When you're living in a state of chronic stress and fear, your nervous system lives in fight-or-flight mode. When you've been hardwired to walk on eggshells at home with a hostile mother, this fear follows you into adulthood, even after the source of it is physically or emotionally not around anymore.
That's why people with childhood trauma tend to think about the worst-case scenario all the time. It's a defense mechanism to protect and prepare themselves. Unfortunately, it often costs them their peace.
8. They're hard on themselves
When dealing with a mistake at work or a rift in a relationship, people with childhood trauma naturally put the blame on themselves. Even if their mistakes weren't on purpose or what they're apologizing for wasn't their fault, they're used to taking the blame.
Growing up, this habit gave them a misguided sense of control with a mom who never took accountability. If they could tell themselves the chaos at home was their fault, they could try to control and manage it.
But not only did this affect their sense of self-worth, it created a toxic inner voice that continues to sabotage their well-being today.
9. They subconsciously seek out similarly chaotic partners
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When you grow up in a very specific type of environment or family dynamic, you tend to naturally gravitate toward similar people in adulthood. If your childhood trauma is still lingering and unresolved, it can feel safer to enter into relationships with people you know how to read and respond to.
For these women, that means they're naturally drawn to emotionally reactive, hostile people. They'll still take the blame and minimize their own needs, but at least they're not living in a state of uncertainty anymore.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
