Kids Raised By Emotionally Flaky Parents Usually Carry 8 Specific Habits Into Adulthood
PeopleImages | Shutterstock Many flaky parents end up that way because they're coping with their own childhood trauma or issues with parents and they're just trying to get by. They want to do better than their own parents did, but often they accidentally pass it down because of their emotional immaturity.
Kids raised by emotionally flaky parents have zero safe space to grow into themselves and they have no idea what it's like to have a consistent parent supporting them at home. So instead of healthy lessons, they learned all kinds of misguided coping mechanisms they carry until they finally have an opportunity to heal.
Kids raised by emotionally flaky parents carry these 8 specific habits into adulthood:
1. They rarely ask for help
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Many kids in these family dynamics are used to doing things for themselves. They don’t like to rely on anyone else to meet their needs, because they know how terrible it felt for them as children. It’s this kind of hyper-independence that serves as a trauma response, because it feels like they have a sense of control they didn’t get to expeirence early on.
Whether it’s refusing to ask for help and suffering in silence or isolating themselves, they find it easier to be alone than to disappoint themselves with unreliability over and over again. Sadly, this often contributes to loneliness.
2. They avoid commitment and vulnerability
Too often, negative childhood experiences affect someone’s relationships and attachment style later in life. If they’re used to flakiness and longing or fighitng for someone’s attention, they’re more likely to struggle with trust and vulnerability later on.
They may compensate with anxious habits or become more avoidant and isolated, but what's at the core of the issue is that they have no idea where to start when learning to open themselves up in relationships. Sadly, they usually have no clue they're even avoiding these things, as they often really wish they could find someone to be truly emotionally connected with. They just think it's normal.
3. They over-monitor people’s moods
Kids with emotionally immature and flaky parents almost always end up being more anxious adults. That's because they’re used to over-monitoring their parents' emotions and trying to protect the peace in the home. This form of parentification causes them to become hyper-aware and hyper-vigilant people, because anticipating someone’s needs and moods created a false sense of control.
They’re constantly coping with a fear of abandonment and rejection, and just because they move out of their parents’ house or go no contact doesn’t mean those habits immediately dissolve.
4. They choose emotionally distant partners
When we grow up, we often find ways to overcompensate with romantic partners for the things we didn't have. Sometimes, however, people who were raised by flaky parents repeat the pattern by choosing emotionally distant or flaky partners when they're adults.
This is especially true when the dynamic our parents modeled or constructed for us during our most impressionable moments was of utter stoicism. If this person meets a partner who is emotionally engaged and regularly attempting to connect, it can be terrifying and ven feel dysfunctional. Instead, they'll likely seek out partners that are avoidant if their parents were disengaged or flaky.
When you’re used to people disappointing you or not showing up, being with an avoidant person feels consistent with a dynamic you already know how to embrace.
5. They avoid vulnerable conversations
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Without a safe space to practice emotional regulation skills or learn what healthy communication looks like while growing up, it’s not surprising that adult children who had distant or flaky parents avoid vulnerable conversations. They felt pressured to suppress their feelings and complicated emotions as kids to keep the peace so it's no wonder these types of conversations feel familiar.
They’d rather avoid those hard conversations in the moment and keep their distance from people they struggle to trust than lean into the discomfort of feelings they don’t always know how to uncover and process. The more they avoid them, the more of a habit it becomes. Sadly, this is a great way to push people away once you get to know them well and start getting serious.
6. They dismiss their own needs
Often, a parent’s lack of effort or inconsistency showing up for their own kids looks to the kid like it's their own fault. They may think, "If I were a better kid, Mom would've been able to stay calm and help me."
Knowing that, it’s no surprise that they end up as doubtful, insecure adults. The people who were supposed to love them unconditionally made them feel personally responsible for their own immaturity, and now, they’re less secure in themselves because of it.
Sometime that means dismissing and over-apologizing for their own needs or overstepping boundaries to protect the peace in a group setting. And, while this may sound heroic or come off as selfless, it often leads to serious resentment.
7. They choose numbness in difficult times
Children with childhood trauma or toxic relationships with parents early in life are at a higher risk for mental health struggles later on. Generally, they’re more emotionally dysregulated because instead of growing into themselves and learning to process, accept, and communicate emotions, they often had to hide or suppress them. Mostly, when times got hard, they had to disappear.
It’s easier for them to distract themselves and feel nothing in the moment than to lean into complicated emotions thay’re already building up inside. They may not even have the tools to express their feelings or trust in others to break down their walls, which makes numbness feel safer than asking for support.
8. They work too hard to prove themselves
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Sometimes kids of flaky parents go way too hard into trying to prove themselves. Often that means perfectionism at work or overlooking their own needs to please others. Often they feel they must prove themselves worthy of basic respect or love that other kids were freely given.
These kids had to fight for attention at home and withhold their own struggles to make their parents feel secure, and now their self-worth is wound up in those unfortunate truths.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
