9 Boundaries Adult Children Are Setting With Their Parents That Previous Generations Never Dared To Try
PeopleImages | Shutterstock Younger generations are flipping the script on relationships with extended family. Instead of going along with whatever their parents want, they are holding them accountable by setting clear boundaries.
Authoritarian parents were common when older generations were growing up. They were expected to follow strict rules and constantly obey their elders, and had little room to set their own boundaries. Adult children nowadays won’t stand for an over-the-top grandparent or someone who wants to start political arguments. It’s easier for them to assert what they need in order to keep their familial relationships healthy.
Boundaries adult children today have set with their parents that would have been unheard of in years past:
1. They keep most conversations digital
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How many times have you dodged a call from your parents? It’s more common than we may realize. Often, kids feel nagged to pick up the phone and talk to their parents. Some parents will rely on phone calls from their children when they feel distant from them. While adult children might understand this, they’re not afraid to put their foot down and request communication that works for them.
It’s not surprising that they may choose texting over calling. Younger adults average over 100 text messages per day. With the rise of phone anxiety, it’s clear where they stand: they’d rather talk to their parents digitally than over the phone.
2. They don’t answer every request
Parents are more involved in their adult children’s lives than ever before. Instead of growing up to make their own decisions, these parents might be encouraging their dependency. Whether it’s coming over to their house to help with a project or following a rule they set, overreaching parents are more common now.
Parental involvement can create rifts in their personal relationships. Some marriages may suffer under the constant rule of the adults who raised them. Instead of answering every request and following every rule, they enforce boundaries.
3. They hold them to a high standard as grandparents
Growing up, my grandparents were active in my life, but they weren’t over the top. Some people’s parents are becoming helicopter grandparents. Listen, I don’t have kids, but the way my parents act with my dogs says enough. They would drop by without notice and demand daily pictures.
Some grandparents don’t respect boundaries. They may expect constant access to the children. Or, they overstep boundaries and push their own beliefs on them. Even if grandparents are reluctant to enforce boundaries, it doesn’t stop their adult children from trying.
4. They won’t talk politics
Different political beliefs can cause a rift in the parent-child relationship. When tensions rise and the conversation becomes more intense, lasting damage can be done. Both older and younger generations are highly opinionated about politics and see their beliefs as the best ones. Adult children have less patience for this mindset and choose to avoid political conversations entirely.
This doesn’t stop all parents from trying to have these conversations. Adult children try their best to keep the conversation civil, but it’s not always a success. They’d rather stay away from the topic entirely.
5. They’re not afraid to go no-contact
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Going no-contact with parents is becoming more common. This may be because the notions of what is abusive or harmful behavior are changing. When their parents were growing up, they were often expected to fall in line. When they became resistant, sometimes punishments turned physical. It was part of life, though, and they may not have thought anything of it.
Now, people are becoming more aware of harmful behavior than ever. They want to do what they can to avoid becoming like their parents. This might cause them to break contact and become estranged when they feel they’re being more toxic than anything else.
6. They won’t stand for unannounced visits
Some parents may become frustrated when they feel like their adult children are ignoring them. Whether that’s avoiding a phone call from their parents or going long periods without seeing them, it can cause frustration. Instead of waiting to hear back from their children, it’s not uncommon for them to drop by without notice.
This can be extremely off-putting for their adult children who value their independence. This can lead to estrangement. Three percent of estranged parent-child relationships improved, according to a survey, but it takes hard work. If unannounced visits become too much to handle, they may break off communication entirely.
7. They shut down their unwarranted commentary
Parents may not realize they have a history of putting their children down. A study found that from a young age, parents who compare their children to others leave lasting effects on their self-esteem. When saying another kid is smarter or better than their child, it can lead to years of constant pain and criticism.
This can still be an issue when the children become adults. We’ve all heard about or dealt with parents who have commented on their adult child’s parenting style or appearance. Maybe they hate their child’s spouse and encourage them to leave the relationship. Whatever it may be, these words are harmful and take a toll.
8. They won’t take their unsolicited advice
Parents want what’s best for their children. No matter how old they get, they still want to give them the advice they think they need. Many of these adult children would rather live their lives without unsolicited advice from their parents. This is especially damaging to their self-esteem and comfort in the relationship.
Unsolicited advice from parents can be difficult to hear. Often, we want to make them proud. We believe the only way to do this is by doing what they approve of. However, many adult children are putting their foot down and living their lives without their parents' approval, whether they like it or not.
9. They set the rules when needed
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Adult child and parent relationships need to be managed. Without boundaries, lines become blurred. Even though their child has gotten older, their behavior towards them can stay the same. This makes for a complicated, often draining relationship. Putting rules in place enforces boundaries, which make the relationship healthier.
Some parents become over-involved in their children’s lives. This can make them feel like they have no control. Rules, like only allowing them to call at a certain time or telling them ahead of time they’ll visit before just dropping by, can make for a better relationship where the adult child feels respected.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
