Millennials Horrified To Realize They're Now Older Than 10 Iconic Characters They Grew Up Watching
Steven Spielberg / Amblin Entertainment and Universal Pictures Recently, some of my friends turned 37. In our group chat, there were happy birthday messages, cake emojis, and memes about aging. I took a different route. I did not say, Happy birthday. I said, “We are all now officially older than Homer Simpson.”
I was promptly removed from the group and uninvited from one friend’s wedding. “We don’t need that kind of negativity in our lives, Peter.”
That got me thinking about life now as a millennial and the iconic characters we grew up with. What other iconic characters from our youth are we now older than, or at the very least, catching up to — and how horrified should we be by this revelation?
Millennials are horrified to realize they're now older than these 10 iconic characters they grew up with:
1. Homer J. Simpson, The Simpsons
Canonically, Homer is 34 when The Simpsons first airs and ages up to 36 around Season 4. Growing up in the 90s, Homer was the ultimate dad. He was bumbling, silly, loving, selfish, and funny. Not only that, he was married, had three children, and a job that afforded him a house in a nice neighborhood.
Add to that, he had two pets, a cat and a dog. Oh, and both he and Marge had a car each. So imagine my shock at 37 when I realized that I, and most of my friends, had none of those things. Sure, we have jobs, some have cars, some have a house, some even have a kid. But even my friends who are doctors and lawyers do not have what Homer has.
Some may say The Simpsons is just a cartoon, but remember, Homer was created to represent the average American male back in the early 90s. These days, he would be a God among men. When comparing myself to Homer, I find myself identifying more with Otto the bus driver or Willie the groundskeeper, and even they probably make more money than I do.
2. Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
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Sarah Connor in Terminator 2 was already a mother, in jail, and had defeated the first Terminator ever sent back in time. She made love to a time traveler and gave birth to the man who would one day save humanity. She was basically the Virgin Mary with an AK, abs, and a killer robot.
She was strong, traumatized, focused, armed, and about ten times mentally tougher than anyone else on screen. She escaped institutions, prepared her son for doomsday, and went hunting the men who were about to build the machine empire.
Sarah Connor was 29. Twenty-nine. When I was 29, I did five pull-ups at the gym and posted the video on Instagram.
3. Dr. Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park
As a child, I saw him as a fully formed adult. A mathematician. A chaos theorist. A man in black leather, reclining, shirt open in the back of a jeep, talking like he had already seen civilization rise and fall several times. He seemed impossibly grown-up, clever, cynical, and weirdly calm in the face of dinosaurs eating people.
Dude was 37. I’m 37, and I know nothing about chaos theory. I am chaos. I know nothing about math, either, unless counting coins for the bus counts.
4. John McClane, Die Hard
Growing up, I saw John McClane as a grizzled veteran of life. A broken marriage, a handgun, a vest, and a face like he had been dragged through every bad decision a divorced man could make.
Terrorists have taken over a hotel on Christmas, and I need to save my ex-wife? Not a problem for John. Glass in the feet? Who cares. Dude was 33. When I was 33, I was writing revenge poems about my ex in my sleazy studio apartment, not saving her from the Germans. I guess that's why he's a hero.
5. Peter Banning, Hook
When I was a kid, I loved this film and, of course, Robin Williams, both for his insane talent and because my dad looked exactly like him. So when I watched Peter Banning, AKA Peter Pan, on screen, it added extra weight to my young heart as I watched this lawyer fly back to Neverland to save his children while simultaneously rediscovering the zeal for life he had once lost.
Peter flew with Julia Roberts to Neverland, got back in shape, took back control of his gang from Rufio, defeated Captain Hook, and flew home. Impressive. Peter Banning was forty. Forty!
In three years, I’ll be forty, and if pirates from another dimension take my children to an island (assuming I have any children), I will not be soaring through the clouds with a sword in my hand. I will be standing in my kitchen on the phone with the police, crying and assuming some billionaire took them.
6. Neo, The Matrix
Growing up, The Matrix felt like the coolest film ever made, and Neo did not seem like a normal man. He seemed like a chosen one. A man with purpose. A man who could dodge bullets, see through illusion, and carry the fate of humanity on his shoulders.
He learned kung fu in about six seconds, mastered guns, took on Agent Smith, fell in love, died, came back, and started bending reality itself to his will.
Neo was 37. I am 37! Neo was the chosen one. The only people who think I'm the chosen one are my mother and my wife, and even they are not fully sure.
Neo bent spoons. I do not bend spoons. I put them in my mouth while standing over the sink at 3 a.m., eating ice cream, hoping my cat doesn’t tell my AI fitness coach.
7. Indiana Jones, Raiders of the Lost Ark
Growing up, Indiana Jones seemed like a man who had lived several lives. A professor. An archaeologist. An adventurer. He could lecture at a University in the morning, fly to the Middle East in the afternoon, and defeat the Nazis before dinner.
He wore tweed, carried a whip, and seemed to know exactly what to do in every historical, spiritual, and physical crisis. Indiana Jones was 37. At 37, Indiana Jones was hunting the Ark of the Covenant and punching Nazis in the face. I get nervous just by turning on the news.
8. Darth Vader, Star Wars: A New Hope
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Growing up, Darth Vader was the biggest baddie of them all. I was never truly afraid of him, but I was fascinated by him, and I understood perfectly why everyone in the Star Wars universe was terrified.
While Luke was my favorite character, Darth Vader was the most iconic. He was not just evil. He was composed, powerful, mythic. A man who could walk into a room, say almost nothing, and still make every other grown man panic.
He had mastered meditation, sword fighting, helped wipe out the Jedi, hunted them down, defeated them in battle, and risen to become number two in the biggest empire the galaxy had ever seen. He had even already been married and had two children.
Darth Vader was 40. By 40, Darth Vader had already conquered half the galaxy and become the Emperor’s right-hand man. What will I have done by 40? I cannot even meditate for more than thirty seconds before I get a panic attack.
9. Han Solo, Star Wars
Han Solo was the coolest character in Star Wars. He was a smuggler, a pilot, a space cowboy with a blaster. He shot first. He kissed princesses, and he made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs.
Even the galaxy’s most feared bounty hunters struggled to catch him. And he had a giant dog. Han Solo was 32. At 32, Han Solo had the Millennium Falcon, Chewbacca, and enough confidence to shoot at Darth Vader’s ship.
At 32, I was contemplating buying a parrot while making conspiracy videos with my friends during the pandemic.
10. Dr. Alan Grant, Jurassic Park
I loved Jurassic Park as a kid. The T. rex scared the bejaysus out of me when I saw it in the cinema with my dad, who found my reaction far too amusing. Dr. Alan Grant was my favorite character because he was into dinosaurs, a bit rough around the edges, and protective of the kids when the big dino-chonker broke free.
He always seemed like a proper older man, full of education, lore, and wisdom. Dr. Grant was 35 in the first Jurassic Park. The only thing millennials really have in common with him is a deep reluctance to have children.
Peter William Murphy is a writer, teacher, and musician. He has published over 250 articles on Medium and has been selected for curation on 26 occasions. His work explores society, culture, politics, and mental health.
