Deeply Unhappy Women Over 40 Who Daydream About A Different Life Usually Say These 10 Phrases Often
fizkes | Shutterstock While many people frame unhappiness in midlife women as some sort of bodily, beauty, or aging crisis, experts like Ada Calhoun, the author of "Why We Can't Sleep: Women's New Midlife Crisis," actually suggest that their struggles with unhappiness are far more nuanced.
Gen X women who were taught that they could have it all growing up often find the reality of adulthood, and their unbalanced obligations and burnout, are in severe contrast. They were led to believe that a husband, career, family, and overall happiness would come easily to them by 40, but now all they have is doubt, shame, frustration, and fear.
Women over 40 who feel deeply unhappy and daydream about a different life almost always say specific phrases when they talk to you, and their language reflects the inner turmoil they're facing, even if it's subtle and unsuspecting.
1. 'I don't even know what I want'
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With commonly unbalanced obligations in their relationships with men, while still making and earning the same amount, if not more, it's no surprise that midlife women don't know what they want. But that doesn't make it easy. In fact, people who don't know what they want from life or how they're feeling tend to make more unsatisfying decisions than their counterparts who do.
With the balances of household and emotional labor, childcare at home, facing prejudice and pressure from societal norms, and a million other struggles, the reality of their routine takes away their ease of individuality, personal time, and empowerment. "I don't even know what I want" is a phrase that pops up often, but the reality behind the "why" is more nuanced and frustrating than it seems on the surface.
2. 'I don't have the time for that'
While adults always have the power and control to shift their routines and change the course of their lives, even if it's uncomfortable and unsatisfying to endure in the moment, many women who feel hopeless after 40 rely on phrases like "I don't have the time for that" to reaffirm their inner struggles.
Strangely, justifying their unrest with these helpless kinds of phrases feels reassuring to their inner self-critic, even if it's entirely subconscious. Much like over-apologizing and phrases like "I don't deserve that" feel reaffirming to insecure people, these phrases justify and reaffirm women who don't feel any sense of autonomy in their own lives.
3. 'I used to be…'
While appreciating nostalgia healthily about a past version of ourselves can sometimes be healthy for motivation with age, according to a study from Frontiers in Psychology, when regret and feelings of being "stuck" creep in, it's not always a comforting experience to reflect.
Especially if a deeply unhappy woman in their 40s is using phrases like "I used to be…" to evoke shame in the current moment and separate herself from a younger version of herself, this kind of nostalgia is only prompting regret and discomfort. Even if it's only taking them back to a time in their young adulthood when dreams and a different reality felt fully attainable, it's clear they're daydreaming about and wishing for a life that they're not currently living.
4. 'I don't want to complain, but…'
Despite struggling in midlife and feeling directionless amid a chaotic lifestyle, many unhappy women still feel a societal pressure to hold it all without complaint. They use phrases like "I don't want to complain, but…" to find fleeting moments of comfort and support, while still shaming themselves for opening up and being vulnerable about the heaviness of their unsustainable expectations and obligations.
Especially considering that stress and burnout tend to negatively impact quality of life, especially for women over 40, it's not surprising that they're struggling in silence, especially amongst pressures to be complacent, quiet, and agreeable.
5. 'I'm just tired'
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Unfortunately, women's exhaustion and burnout are largely underestimated in our culture, with more women taking on chronic stress without having support systems and rest to account for it. According to a NASA study, most people can't correctly point out women's exhaustion, which often leads to cycles of overworking and guilt that feel impossible to navigate out of.
"I'm just tired" might feel like an excuse for women over 40 struggling with much deeper emotional spirals and struggles, but it often allows them to operate without being the center of attention. If they fly under the radar, they meet some kind of misguided societal expectation to be agreeable, and they don't have to put a spotlight on their own struggles to change.
6. 'I don't feel like myself'
It's not uncommon for people facing burnout to experience a kind of "depersonalization" that disconnects them from their perception of the world and sense of self, according to a World Psychiatry study. The weight of stress, shame, overworking obligations, and chronic exhaustion separates these people from their true selves, which is why "I don't feel like myself" is a common phrase for women living deeply unhappy, unbalanced lives.
Especially if daydreaming is their means of respite to escape from their stressful routine, not feeling like they have a sense of self, purpose, or personhood to come back to can be entirely destabilizing.
7. 'I don't want to be selfish'
Especially with the added pressure of comparison on social media, it's not surprising that women feel more guilt and shame about their realities today. It reinforces a sense of failure that people feel innately drawn to hide. So, asking for help, expressing concerns, and being honest with yourself are not things that come inherently easy to midlife women who are already struggling with this weight of "failure."
However, self-care, self-empowerment, and a sense of internal love aren't selfish. They're healthy. They're necessary, as their self-esteem grows, to craft a lifestyle and future that actually works in their favor, instead of pulling from societal norms and pressures to conform to a routine that doesn't suit them.
8. 'Nothing feels like just mine'
Especially for women who have become mothers, midlife often feels like a swirl of responsibility and obligation with little time for personal endeavors and rest. In our society, where women often are unfairly burdened with more than twice the amount of household responsibilities and childcare obligations, it's not surprising that they feel like they're living life completely for other people's happiness.
However, that also means that it goes completely unnoticed. With the shame and guilt they inevitably take on about wishing for a different life and daydreaming a reality where they can focus on themselves, it's not surprising that the reality of these struggles tends to go unnoticed and suppressed.
9. 'I made my choice'
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Even if they're incredibly happy being mothers or were excited to make the choice to lean into a specific career a few decades ago, feeling the weight and obligations of a reality they weren't expecting can bring a lot of regret, guilt, and shame.
However, just because a woman made a choice to become a wife, a mother, or a leader at work doesn't mean she has to tolerate all the worst parts of being overworked and exhausted. There are always different choices to make, even if it feels hopeless to consider anything other than what's become the "norm" in their lives.
10. 'I'm just trying to get through the day'
To avoid the guilt that comes from reminiscing on the past and to cope with the exhaustion they're dealing with in the present, women rely on living on autopilot to "get through the day." Rather than actively addressing all the complex feelings they're experiencing, they suppress them and hope or daydream about a better life without a change.
Especially considering many women feel like they're living the life their mothers and past generations of women dreamed about, there's an added layer of generational guilt and responsibility that comes from feeling unhappy. So, it's not a surprise that they feel pressured to shove it down and focus on completing tasks, rather than prioritizing their own happiness, in whatever way that looks like for them.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
