If Someone Uses These 11 Casual Phrases Often, They’re Probably Not As Kind As They Seem
Zmaster / Shutterstock Some people come off as kind. People are drawn to them. Something about their presence keeps friends coming back for more. However, there may be signs that they are not as kind as they seem.
Certain phrases can be painful. No matter how kind the person who says them seems, they have an edge. It’s not easy to hear them. They may make you wonder about the true intentions of the person who is supposedly kind. If someone is constantly making passive-aggressive or even directly aggressive comments, they may not be worth trusting. Even if they are charming and charismatic, this isn’t enough to soothe the wounds of their harmful words.
If someone uses these 11 casual phrases often, they’re probably not as kind as they seem
1. ‘No offense, but…’
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When someone says no offense, you can almost guarantee the words that follow are offensive. A person like this tries to play it off as if they have good intentions. Though they know they are saying something offensive, they prefer it that way to avoid responsibility. Someone who seems kind may say this often. They want to keep their reputation as being kind, but still say things that may get under other people’s skin.
That’s not to say we can be overly sensitive to certain things. However, things people say can be genuinely offensive. If someone is constantly making offensive statements while pretending that it wasn't intentional, it’s time to rethink your friendship with them.
2. ‘I’m just brutally honest’
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We’ve all heard the phrase honesty is the best policy. It’s important to be honest with the people we care about. However, there is a point where being brutally honest is just plain mean. Sometimes, it’s better to keep our opinions to ourselves. If someone says they’re just brutally honest as a guise for their rude comments, they are not as kind as they seem.
Saying everything we think about someone else isn’t helpful. It can hurt someone’s feelings. People who value ‘brutal honesty’ over kindness are likely less kind than they appear.
3. ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’
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When someone says they are sorry, we may instantly assume they are kind. However, if it’s followed by something else, it’s likely not genuine. When someone hurts our feelings, we want them to apologize kindly. A heartfelt ‘I’m sorry’ can be meaningful. However, when someone says, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way,’ it’s not a genuine apology. They are instead blaming you for how you reacted.
‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ is a lazy way to issue a fake apology. They do not actually feel bad for what they did to hurt you; they are trying to avoid the consequences.
4. ‘I’m always the bad guy’
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I’ll be brutally honest, it’s a bit pathetic to hear someone say this. It’s a way they try to avoid being held accountable for their actions. Instead of owning their bad behavior, they want you to feel sorry for them. A good person may react by trying to reassure them that they are not the bad guy. Now, they’ve not only wiggled their way out of an apology, but they’ve got you feeling sorry for them.
This is often a form of attention-seeking behavior. They want to pretend they are the victim.
5. ‘No one understands the real me’
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It can be normal for some of us to feel like no one understands us. We may struggle to show our true selves to the world. This is only an issue when someone weaponizes this phrase. Imagine someone did something harmful. Maybe they said something offensive or broke your trust. They may try to play it off as if we are simply misunderstanding them.
Likely, they do not want to take accountability for their actions. They might pretend the world doesn’t understand them when in reality, they are not as kind as they try to portray themselves.
6. ‘Don’t be so sensitive’
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Being sensitive can be a positive trait. Someone who is in tune with their emotions may be able to regulate them. They can also relate more to others. Empathy comes naturally to a sensitive person. However, someone who is highly sensitive feels deeply. It may make them more easily take offense at things.
Even if you believe someone is being too sensitive, their feelings are still valid. If someone is comfortable dismissing you as too sensitive, it puts their true intentions into question. Can someone like this be as nice as they seem?
7. ‘Calm down’
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What is the worst thing to hear when you’re upset? For many people, it's the phrase ‘calm down.’ Nothing makes me less calm than someone demanding I do so. A lot of people become angrier when they hear this. It’s dismissive of our feelings and can make what was said more painful.
Someone who is truly kind wants to hear about what hurts your feelings. They care to understand you deeper. If someone tells you to calm down after they hurt you, that person rarely makes a good friend.
8. ‘You always overreact’
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Going along with the phrase ‘calm down’ is the classic ‘you always overreact.’ Sometimes, we can be guilty of overreacting. However, it’s not fair for someone to dismiss our feelings like that. If a person is truly kind, they’d want to try to understand your reaction. They wouldn’t make you feel bad for your emotions.
Someone might overreact to someone’s comments about them because they secretly believe it. It can be hard for some of us not to react to things that hurt our feelings.
9. ‘I wish you actually cared about me’
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This phrase can easily be weaponized when someone pretends to be kinder than they actually are. If you are involved in this person’s life, you likely care about them. If you do not meet their expectations, it can cause serious problems. They’ll say something like this to try to get under your skin. They want you to feel bad for them.
Someone may feel like you don’t care about them, which is valid. It’s worth talking through those feelings. However, when someone says things like this, it can be clear that they are trying to manipulate you. This does not make them as kind as they may pretend to be.
10. ‘That’s just who I am’
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This phrase is often used as an excuse. If someone does something you dislike, they may try to explain it away by claiming that’s just their personality. This isn’t the excuse that they may think it is. Instead, it’s a lazy way to avoid taking accountability. They may try to convince you not to be upset with them because ‘that’s just who they are.’
"Some people have a really hard time taking responsibility for their actions, while others apologize profusely and take responsibility for things that they are not even responsible for. Both of these behaviors are not constructive. You should only take responsibility for the things you are actually responsible for. Correspondingly, you should not avoid responsibility for the things that you are responsible for," says Darius Cikanavicius for Psych Central.
11. 'Learn how to take a joke'
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It’s easy to play off bad behavior as a joke. Someone who is not as kind as they seem may do this often. They can pretend they were kidding, but they likely meant at least some of what they said. Saying this is an attempt to keep their reputation intact when in reality, they said something cruel. It can be a complicated situation for them.
"Consider this next time you joke about something. The kind of joke that maybe your partner, parent, friend, child, or co-worker reacts to with something less than a laugh. Perhaps the kind of reaction that motivates you to say, “It’s just a joke." Consider why you made the joke, and the feelings that were behind the making of the joke," says Phil Stark, LMFT.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
