11 Things Divorced Men Wish They Knew About Marriage Before Getting In One
fast-stock | Shutterstock Even if we often think of the disintegration of marriages and long-term relationships as sparked by some big event, like a giant fight or a betrayal, a study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology argues that the “point of no return” is actually disengagement. It’s the drifting apart emotionally and disengaging from care that truly makes marriages fall apart.
This is just one of the things divorced men wish they knew about marriage before getting in one. Especially in our culture, which tends to frame “marriage” as an inevitable fact of life for all genders, men may make a commitment and source out partners without truly understanding the commitment or nuances of connection that build truly happy, healthy relationships.
Here are 11 things divorced men wish they knew about marriage before getting in one
1. Relationships require ‘work’
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Love often feels easy. But relationships take work. Without some level of effort, commitment, and longevity can falter. Couples become less satisfied in their relationships and less happy with their partners when they don’t feel important or balanced with effort in their connections.
Especially for couples who come together naturally and get married without truly understanding the need for effort, they often end up disconnected in the end. Conflicts need effort and “work” that’s not always comfortable. Quality time needs to be intentionally prioritized, even when life is busy. Personal growth is essential for long-term couples.
It’s the need to accept the discomfort of relationships, and a couple’s acceptance of work and effort, that divorced men wish they had known about marriage before getting into one.
2. The people you love can also hurt you
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While not every partner who ends up disconnected from a marriage is dealing with a manipulative person, it’s important to note that the people you love can also be the people who hurt you the most. They know your insecurities, vulnerabilities, and fears, and if they need to weaponize them to cope with their own emotional turmoil, they have the information to really hurt your feelings.
Even small things like tracking favors and falling into a transactional relationship can truly disconnect a couple. It’s these things divorced men wish they knew about marriage before getting into one. They not only require a certain level of effort, but also a balance and empathy that can be quickly discouraged by resentment and shame.
3. The ‘chase’ doesn’t end once there’s a label
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According to counselor Samantha Ricard, “dating” your partner shouldn’t stop once you get married or put a label on the relationship. The “chase” and “pursuit” of a partner is what keeps intimacy and romantic love alive, even when life is filled with stress and obligations.
Some divorced men, who ended up disconnected and disengaged from their partners, wish they had known the importance of this effort in marriage before getting into one. They got comfortable and stopped making their wives feel valuable and desirable, which ultimately led them to a place of responsibility in the relationship, rather than choice and love.
4. Emotional intimacy is just as important as physical connection
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According to a study from the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, emotional skillfulness and vulnerability are important predictors of marital satisfaction. It’s not just about opening up about personal emotions, but also making space for vulnerability with a partner and ensuring they feel heard.
Of course, part of the reason why men need relationships with women more than their female partners is that they provide a safer space for emotional connection, one that they often struggle to find in other platonic and family relationships. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean they understand the requirement of vulnerability and emotional openness, the kinds of experiences that society has urged them to misconstrue as “weaknesses.”
5. ‘Fixing’ isn’t always the right response
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Especially for men who have been morphed by society into adopting “protector” roles in their traditional relationships, it’s not surprising that many fall into routines of “fixing” their partners' struggles and emotions, even when they’re actually just looking for a space to vent.
Sometimes, we just want to feel heard and validated by our partners, not offered unsolicited advice that often comes across as intrusive and unwarranted. This is one of the things divorced men wish they knew about marriage before getting in one.
They’re used to believing that they’re the ones who should “fix” sadness or anger in their partners, but overlooking their partners’ need for active listening can be invalidating and take their personal power away.
6. You can’t ‘win’ arguments
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Healthy conflict resolution doesn’t just improve well-being and satisfaction in relationships, it also predicts personal physical and mental health, according to a study from the University of Georgia. If you’re only worried about “winning” an argument and defending yourself, chances are healthier argumentative behaviors are going to be overlooked.
Sometimes, divorced men wish they had known the importance of arguing on the “same team” in their marriages before getting into one. They have to be willing to let down their emotional walls and set aside their defensiveness to make compromises and create space. It’s not always easy, but it is essential.
7. Romance isn’t enough
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While “lust” and desire are often top of mind in culture for men in relationships, the truth is, at least according to a study from Nature Reviews Psychology, that people who frame relationships only around physical attraction are more likely to have lower relationship satisfaction and happiness. It takes a lot more than romance and desire for a couple to function, even if they do play a positive role alongside respect and vulnerability.
Despite what culture says, this is one of the things divorced men wish they knew about marriage before getting in one. They need to be ready to open up emotionally, treat partners with respect, and put in the “work” of marriage to truly enjoy the beauty of attraction and desire.
8. Decisions should be made together
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Even though men are often deemed the “providers” in traditional relationships and encouraged to build their masculinity from control and power in relationships with women, the truth is that transparency is one of the most important pillars of healthy marriages. Couples who make big decisions together, plan their futures in unison, and even manage their money together are more likely to stay together happily.
According to psychologist Mark Travers, the simple “two yes, one no” rule helps to guide couples in crafting a balance with decision-making. Essentially, if one partner will be affected by a decision the other makes, they should be making it together.
9. Resentment builds from routine
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Resentment can quickly cause coldness and disconnection in marriages, but it’s often subtle and built through tiny moments in a couple’s routine. It’s not big arguments and physical distance that cause couples to build resentful feelings, but tiny moments of misunderstanding and feeling invalidated consistently amid the mundanity of life.
It’s built through routine and tiny moments of disconnection, even when partners are entirely unaware that it’s there, until it bubbles up intensely at a later date.
10. Safety is key
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While “butterflies” and the excitement of lust are often glamorized in culture, the truth is that emotional safety in relationships is the key to longevity and sustainability. It’s a basic human need to crave safety and acceptance, especially in these intimate partnerships, but it takes work.
Whether it’s healthy arguments, vulnerability, or healthy communication skills, these are some of the things divorced men wish they knew were important to make space for before getting into one. If only men had the spaces, whether in friendships or with their families, to practice these skills and hone their emotional intelligence before getting into romantic relationships.
11. Small acts are more powerful than grandiose expressions of love
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While we often think about relationships through the big moments and milestones, like anniversaries and celebrations, the truth is that relationship satisfaction is built from the mundane moments of life, whether it's making coffee for your partner, cuddling before falling asleep, and having small conversations in the car. These are the little things that truly make the biggest difference in marriages.
These are some of the things divorced men wish they knew about marriage before getting in one. They didn’t need to stress themselves out about all the big stuff and express their love in huge ways, they only needed to focus on how they could make their mundane lives more meaningful, connecting, and intimate.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
