Adult Children Who Feel Guilty Saying No To Their Parents Usually Have These 11 Traits
Bricolage / Shutterstock As children, we view our parents as superheroes. They did everything for us. From helping us with homework and getting us to school on time, to making sure we had food on the table every day, they worked hard to provide for us.
When we reflect on everything our parents have done for us, it can be hard to create boundaries with them. You may feel you owe them. It can make telling them ‘no’ impossible. Most likely, you are respectful and want to give your parents the kindness they deserve. However, what happens when failing to set boundaries with your parents takes over your life? If you’re prone to guilt, you may have certain traits that leave you feeling like you can never say no to your parents.
Adult children who feel guilty saying no to their parents usually have these 11 traits
1. They are empathetic
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Someone who struggles to say no to their parents may have high empathy. They can put themselves in another person’s shoes and feel their emotions. They are highly intuitive. While this trait can strengthen connections between people, too much empathy can take its toll. Someone who feels too deeply may stretch themselves too thin by trying to please everyone around them.
Telling their parents no may feel impossible. They put themselves in the situation and imagine how they would feel if the same were said to them. It can keep them saying yes to things, even if they do not have the capacity to do so.
2. They are compassionate
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A compassionate person likely feels deeply for their parents. They may think back at all of the sacrifices made for them and want to do the same for their parents. With compassion comes unconditional acceptance. Through the good and the bad, they might want to be active in their parents’ lives. As a result, they may struggle to say no.
Even when things are piling up for them, they may be inclined to put things aside to help their parents. Their compassion can make them put others before themselves.
3. They are responsible
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If someone is naturally responsible, they may feel in charge of certain things with their parents. They may believe they need to help their parents whenever they ask. They may also feel responsible for their parents’ happiness, and if they say no, they may be hurting them. Letting their parents down can be a fear for responsible adult children.
Studies have found that some adult children feel responsible for their parents’ care, especially as they grow older. This may keep them saying yes to things because they are the responsible child. While they may burn themselves out in the process, they are responsible and take on any burden for their loved ones.
4. They are conflict-averse
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Although we may wish it didn’t, saying no can come with conflict. Some people may take the term seriously. By not giving them what they want, problems may occur. If a parent struggles to accept a no from their child, it may cause serious issues between them. Instead of placing that boundary, an adult child may give in to keep conflict at bay.
Those who are naturally conflict-averse fear upsetting other people. It can be especially difficult when those upset with them are their own parents. They’ll do anything they can to avoid a disagreement, which means they will likely say yes when they would rather say no.
5. They are emotional
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Not every parent is a good one. There are many toxic parent relationships. When an adult child is naturally emotional, they may use this trait to get what they want from them. If a parent does not want their child to tell them no, they may emotionally blackmail them. They’ll treat them poorly and prey on their naturally heightened emotions.
“The narcissistic parent appears to make a request, but it is really a demand. If you say no, set boundaries, or let them know you'll get back to them later, they will apply increased pressure and threaten consequences to try to get you to acquiesce to them,” says Shahida Arabi, MA, for PsychCentral. “If you still refuse, they may then punish you with sulking, passive-aggressive statements, a rage attack, withholding of something important, or even the threat of violence or sabotage. This is emotional blackmail.”
6. They may be codependent
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It can be hard to maintain a healthy relationship with our parents in adulthood. Sometimes, we may choose to distance ourselves. On the other hand, some may continue to rely on their parents for everything, even if they have careers and families of their own. The parent also doesn’t want to give up the relationship they have always shared. Instead, they will form a codependency that can make saying no impossible.
Codependency can mean that both the adult child and the parent are overly involved in each other’s lives. That means there may not be an opportunity for disagreement. Saying no can trigger a bigger issue. Co-dependency can make the relationship complicated.
7. They fear abandonment
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It’s not always easy to say no to our parents. For some, past experiences make it difficult for them to put their foot down. If there were past complications, they may be afraid that their parents will abandon them. Prior experiences shape who we are. If a parent has stormed away in anger or given you the silent treatment for past problems, it can become a fear that their parents will leave them if they tell them no.
A fear of abandonment can make people agreeable. If an adult child wants to prevent their parents from getting angry with them, they will say yes instead of no. Whatever they can do to keep their parents happy, they will do, as they do not want them to leave.
8. They are people-pleasers
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We all know someone who cares more about how the people around them feel than themselves. A people-pleaser will go out of their way to make others feel good. They want to provide support and give whatever they can to ensure everyone is happy. While this can be a sweet trait, it can also cause problems. Being too agreeable and refusing to say no, especially to their adult parents.
We have to say no sometimes. It prevents us from becoming burnt out. When you only want to please your parents, it can strain the relationship. Saying no can be a form of self-care for people-pleasers, though they may not understand it at the moment.
9. They are sensitive
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When someone is sensitive, things feel more intense. They struggle to receive criticism. It feels like a personal attack more than anything else. Someone like this may become overstimulated when the energy of a situation doesn’t feel right. This could be why they refuse to say no to their parents. They know there may be consequences. It can make standing up for themselves impossible.
Sometimes, parents may know their children are highly sensitive. They can use that trait against them. By making them feel guilty for saying no, they know what they are doing. They may be hoping they’ll never say no to them.
10. They are natural caretakers
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Some people are drawn to caretaking. Whether the people in their lives need help or not, they are always there. If someone asks them to assist with something, they will never say no. A parent may know that their adult child takes on this role. They may be able to get anything they need out of them.
It’s not easy to say no when you feel naturally drawn to caring for people. If your parents have an issue, you will say yes to whatever you can to help them. Natural caretakers need to be there for their parents, and they feel guilty if they cannot. They will rarely say no to ensure they are there to help.
11. They prioritize others
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If someone feels guilty saying no to their parents, it may be that they prioritize everyone else over themselves. This can take a toll on the mental health of the adult child. While they need to focus on themselves, they’d feel guilty if they said no to anyone. They want to make sure everyone around them is happy and taken care of, even if it is at their expense.
We’ve all heard of self-centeredness, but there is a concept called others-centeredness. This means someone is willing to do anything to help others. If they feel guilty about saying no to their parents, they have likely prioritized their parents over themselves.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
