11 Unfortunate Signs Someone Is Not As Good Of A Person As They Pretend To Be
stockfour | Shutterstock Many fake people, who weaponize their own empathetic moments and charisma for their own advantage, embody the "dark side" of emotional intelligence, as a study from Frontiers in Psychiatry explains. They lean into empathy, social awareness, and communication skills — not to bond with people and contribute to their own emotional growth, but to manipulate, gaslight, and take advantage of people.
There are many unfortunate signs that someone is not as good a person as they pretend to be, including these manipulative tendencies. They are fake people at heart, largely because they compensate for deep-rooted insecurities by taking advantage of other people's kindness and making all of their relationships inherently transactional. To set boundaries with these fake people, it's essential to focus on your own energy. How do you feel when they're around? How often do you feel drained over uplifted? Here are the unfortunate signs someone is not as good of a person as they pretend to be
1. They're only nice when they get something in return
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Whether it's having someone around to notice their social kindness or using their conditional empathy to get something from someone in return, like being owed a "favor," people who seem nicer than they really are only offer kindness when they get something. Their love, affection, kindness, and appreciation for others are always innately conditional.
While it might seem harmless, a study from Nursing Ethics found that fake kindness is often only a form of manipulation intended to control others.
2. Their words and actions hardly ever match
Never keeping promises, failing to fulfill commitments, and consistently reminding people that their words don't align with their actions are hallmarks of individuals who are not as good as they pretend to be.
They may pretend that they're a good person by making promises to people and overcommitting to things for show, but in the end, they only show up — either emotionally or literally — when they have something to gain.
3. They usually treat people differently based on their status
Even in everyday life and social interactions, narcissistic people are constantly seeking out status, according to a study from Personality and Individual Differences. They treat people differently based on status, jobs, and wealth, because it's all they notice when they're trying to cling to someone else for a social boost.
They care more about making friends with people with power and status than making deep, meaningful connections with others, even if they seem nice and friendly on the surface.
4. They judge people quietly
Whether it's talking behind someone's back or judging them quietly to cope with their own insecurity, a person's general judgment and negativity are some of the unfortunate signs that someone is not as good of a person as they pretend to be.
Negativity is contagious, so even if spreading drama and gossiping is bonding sometimes, judgment will always make people feel unseen and uncomfortable.
5. They're charming in public, but cold in private
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There's a reason why narcissistic people often have better jobs, higher salaries, and more widespread superficial social circles — they're charismatic. They know how to work people so they're admired, even if it means leveraging a completely different personality depending on the environment they're in.
They're charming at first sight, but over time, it's impossible to manage all of their manipulative tendencies and cope with their cruelty.
6. Their apologies often feel rehearsed
Even if one person is tricked into thinking someone is a good person because of a fake, insincere apology, the truth is that a fake apology — whether someone directly recognizes it or not — is always going to be so much worse than none at all.
It's one of the unfortunate signs someone is not as good a person as they pretend to be, as they refuse to look in the mirror and prefer to constantly blame-shift to protect their own comfort, usually at the expense of everyone else's relationships and well-being.
7. They play the victim
Even if you've been conned into feeling sorry for someone consistently, a person who plays the victim is usually painting you to be the perpetrator for their own good. They don't want to hurt their own image and sacrifice their status, so they push other people under the bus to avoid taking accountability for their own actions and mistakes.
They not only refuse to admit that they're wrong, but they are too arrogant and misguided that they don't believe they've actually done anything wrong by actively hurting others. They don't have the self-awareness, or choose not to lean into reflective tendencies, that make them feel bad or remorseful for hurting others.
8. They guilt-trip people to get their way
As a study from Philosophy and Phenomenological Research suggests, guilt-tripping is morally wrong because it's objectionably manipulative. It's actively harming other people for the sake of personal gain, even if the other person doesn't necessarily realize they're being taken advantage of.
They want to have control over situations and power over the people around them, so it's not surprising that they guilt-trip to make people feel responsible for things they didn't do. They throw around complex emotions and experiences like shame, which are often hard to work through, sometimes for the simplest tasks and needs.
9. They usually overcomplicate things
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Whether it's lying about other people to stir the pot, making simple concepts inaccessible with overcomplicated language, or finding a way to exclude people by offering vague words of cruelty, these are all some of the unfortunate signs someone is not as good of a person as they pretend to be.
They don't want other people to have the same status, knowledge, or access as they do, so they work directly, often using manipulation, to push them out and away.
10. They always seem to keep score
Transactional people always keep score in their relationships. Whether it's affection, love, or a small favor, they never offer anyone — even their closest friends and family — anything without expecting something in return.
Even if it feels like a fair trade in some cases, in others, it's clearly a route for them to justify spending effort and time on anyone but themselves. They may not lack emotional intelligence, but it's clear that they lack empathy.
11. They use blunt honesty to disguise cruelty
From phrases like "it was just a joke" to "I'm just being brutally honest," if someone's constantly justifying their mean cruelty with fake honesty, they're a bad person at heart. They want to hurt people, but don't want to take accountability for being wrong or actually doing it, so they use these tactics to save face.
Even if it only feels like a clear sign of someone's deep insecurities, the truth is that they're also coping with a crafted sense of misguided superiority over the people around them that encourages them to take advantage.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
