I’m An Only Child Who Became A Therapist — Here Are 11 Things Every Parent Of An Only Child Should Know
Parenting only children is a different animal than parenting multiples.
Gabriela | Unsplash I was an only child, and I hated it. Whenever I meet only children who didn’t hate being only children, and who even may choose to have one child themselves, I wonder what went right in their experience versus mine. I’ve come up with a few things that parents definitely need to keep in mind if they are raising an only child.
Here are 11 things every parent of an only child should know:
1. You don’t really count as a playmate
You want to make sure your child has lots of playdates, time with children of family friends, and time with cousins or other family members. If their default playmate is you, this is going to lead to difficulty playing with other children, who aren’t as smart as you and can’t come up with the same level of elaborate pretend play, among other things.
Your child may also feel lonely, even if you play with her all the time. So, at least once and hopefully twice every weekend, your child should be interacting with other kids for a few hours at a time. Organized activities only count if your child has a special friend there, and even then, it’s not the same as unstructured play time with a peer. The best case scenario is another only child friend, just because this kid’s parents may prioritize playdates as much as you do, but any friend will do.
2. When you do play, don’t always let your child win
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I know you’re an adult and you don’t really care if you win. But always being allowed to win will set your child up to expect that they will just get to win at everything, and again, this won’t help them when playing with peers. So, if you’re playing Monopoly, don’t phone it in. Channel Mark Cuban and go for the jugular.
3. If your marriage is not working, get counseling stat
The worst thing is to be one kid, alone, listening to your parents fight. This is terrible for all children, but to have nobody else experiencing the terribleness alongside you is arguably even more lonely and scary.
Additionally, as an older child or an adult, your child will have no siblings with whom to process how difficult his childhood was. So you owe it to him to try to work on whatever issues you have (this one really goes for everyone, no matter how many kids you have).
4. Don’t treat your kid like your best friend
Many only children are verbally advanced, from being around adults giving them undivided attention and talking to them on a more adult level. Don’t mistake this verbal precocity for a child being more mature than she really is. Don’t confide in your kid about anything adult, like finances, your relationships, your insecurities, your family issues, or anything you wouldn’t say to another, less “precocious” kid.
5. Get a pet
I have spoken with only children who had pets, and their experience was a lot better than those who didn’t. Often, they consider the pet to be a best friend and constant companion, and joke that it is a surrogate sibling. The best choice is a pet that can also serve as a conversation starter with other kids, like a friendly dog that can be walked. My current household friend, the hardy betta fish, doesn’t count.
6. Don’t take your kid to an amusement park without bringing a friend
Even the happy only children I speak to agree on this. It is really not fun to scream with joy on a ride by yourself, with your parents waving from the side. You usually don’t even scream at all because what’s the point? Plus, you’re self-conscious.
7. Let your kid watch TV
Only children need to know what the other kids are talking about at school. They don’t have siblings to help them figure out what’s cool and what’s not. So, don’t get too rigid about screen time or about any other rules that may potentially cut your child off from knowing what everyone else is talking about.
8. Have your own life
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One child is pretty portable, and parents don’t always feel that they “need a break” from their only child with the same urgency as parents of multiple, squabbling children do. Still, resist the urge to take your child to every activity you do. She needs to learn that adults have their own lives, and that it is healthy for grown-ups to be alone or with other grown-ups at times.
9. Don't put pressure on them
You might feel compelled to say, “What would Mommy do without you?” or the equivalent when your child is being particularly adorable and you’re feeling sentimental. But if you have a sensitive child, they will worry about what, in fact, you would do. An only child is keenly aware from a fairly young age that they are the main person that their parent loves, aside from the other parent. This can make them worry about what would happen to you if something happened to them.
10. Work on your own anxiety and self-esteem
Only children are often more cautious because they don’t experience the rough and tumble of sibling life. If you are an anxious person, your child may pick up on this, and her cautiousness may develop into anxiety.
Further, only children need to be confident because they are often walking into situations (e.g., activities, the playground, camp) alone rather than as a sibling unit. Therefore, try to model confidence in yourself and in your ability to navigate the world successfully, and your child will learn to feel the same way about herself.
11. Make sure your child knows you love him for who he is, not just because he is your child
Kids with siblings get the idea that their parents value different things about each child, and see that their parents respond appreciatively to their sense of humor, and to their sister’s kindness, and to their brother’s adventurousness. Each child has their own special qualities. An only child knows that you love them, but they are the only game in town, so they may think you “have to” love them.
Make sure you say you love your child’s own specific qualities and that you’re happy that you ended up with exactly the child that they are. Your only child will love hearing that she is exactly the child you would have special-ordered, and, you know what, I bet this is true.
Well, those are my 11 things. What do you think, fair readership? Give me your thoughts and anything I may have missed. This book, Only-Child Experience in Adulthood (that is out of print, but maybe it’s at your library; it’s by Bernice Sorensen), sums up a lot of issues only children have as adults when thinking about their experiences.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice, Best Life Behavioral Health.
