How To Know If A First Date Is The Beginning Of Something Or The End Of Nothing
Seven questions can guide you to your future.
amin naderloei | Unsplash A recent Vanity Fair story profiled a man I dated only once, a million years ago. Seven years after our one date, he had become a famous television producer. I hadn’t felt any wild biochemistry or butterfly flutters, so our date was the beginning and the end for me. One and done.
Each of us has a list of needs we expect our partner to meet. For some, it’s wealth, beauty, or passion. For others, it’s a peaceful home life with children. And for another group, it’s finding a business and life partner who cooperates and supports their biggest goals. Whatever your needs, a round peg being forced into a square hole is a disaster. But clarifying what you need, as you would for a new job search, and refusing to settle for less than you require, creates a great future.
How to know if your first date is the beginning of something or the end of nothing:
1. Can you accept what can’t be changed?
Instead of fantasizing about a renovation project, which they may resist, clarify who and what is essential to you.
Thrilling career: Whether a partner with credentials from Wall Street, medicine, Hollywood, or a C-suite superstar, you need to specify what you want.
Passion: With dating, the prequel to the monogamous marriage most women prefer, we need more than a single monarch butterfly fluttering around us. We need a butterfly invasion that will last a lifetime to ensure monogamy. Whoever you select will require passion for a long time, so if you’re not feeling thrills and chills on your first date, will you choose a short relationship or a miserable long one?
Smarts: Intelligence is the result of a high IQ as well as a love of learning. You’ll need both in a partner if walking into a home without books makes you feel overqualified and horrified. Some people buy books by the yard to fill their shelves, so simple book report questions are advisable.
2. Do your lifestyles match?
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On another first date, a perfectly nice and nice-looking dentist proposed to me. But “steady as they go” was never enough for me, so he was another One and Done! “Where were the thrills?” I asked myself.
3. Are they perfect on paper but not in real life?
Have you ever convinced yourself they were perfect, but when you met, something didn’t feel right? If this sounds familiar, stop hitting your head against a lot of brick walls.
On Zoom, he was handsome and a highly successful attorney with a great practice. He ticked ten boxes for me, and was the most generous guy imaginable, including bringing Tiffany pearl and diamond studs as a birthday gift for me on date #1! But there was an ick factor for me; is there one for you?
When I described the date, some friends were triggered by his generosity, which I loved. Others were triggered by his many children, which seemed interesting to me. However, preventing his dog from entering the bedrooms was a deal-breaker. Informing me that he would never marry took all the romance out of the situation.
4. Do you attract 'not for me' people?
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Instead of trial and error, which ends in misery or even terror, clarify your needs as you consider the following: Who is your perfect date? What are the attributes you truly require? Please be sure these are at the top of your list:
Line Items for you
- They are mentally healthy
- They are physically healthy
- They are single
- They are monogamous
- They are seeking their perfect partner now.
They need to be described clearly with descriptions of exactly what you want, and be sure to avoid using any words that describe the opposite.
5. Are you building a transactional relationship disaster?
I remember when “Let’s spend the weekend in Paris” was a viable pick-up line, but my reply was, “If I’m not saying ‘Yes’ in New York, why would I say ‘Yes’ in Paris?” Don’t settle for less because if you’ve always wanted to see Paris, you still need to be with the right guy to have the head-to-toe experience.
Instead, add “He invites me to Paris” to your perfect life partner checklist and envision your super-romantic tryst, while reliving all your favorite movie love scenes. But don’t make that the only line item.
Far more exciting are the first dates that go the distance.
6. Have you already sold yourself on them?
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The most thrilling first date was with a man I had met years before, whom I connived to meet again. A mutual friend took me to his home to impress me, and I practically ran to the host, making a beeline past his mother, stepfather, and another couple.
Our first date was perfection, an uber chic dinner, a Milton Nascimento concert of ecstatic sounds. I was transported into another world, and as a rarity, it was a world that appealed to me in a thousand ways.
7: Are they a real-life fit, not a fantasy fit?
Dream deeply about your life together before deciding, unless it’s a fast “No” for you. At night, when you’re drowsy, drop into your imagination and enter your imaginary life with each “Candy-date”.
Beyond your restaurant visits, vacations, and other high points, what is it like every morning? Are you rushing to get children to school? What are the low points for you?
8. Is fabulous covering up for frightful?
50% Fabulous/50% Frightful is a tie, but don’t let it tie up for years. I had a first date with a perfect on-paper man. While I could see blurred edges surrounding his million-watt smile and diamond-bright aura, I was enchanted. But sadly, the perfection faded fast, and the problems were like compound interest, so my own interest disappeared. But oh, what a fantastic first date!
If you are excited to meet new people, then every first date can be an adventure. If you can filter out most of the undesirable people, you are ready to begin again and start dating.
Remember to create your perfect life partner checklist because the more specific you are, the more successful your matches will be. Otherwise, you’ll be trapped in ‘one and done’ land for far too long, where fun is limited to not-so-happy hours with other single friends.
Susan Allan is a certified mediator and coach, and the founder of the Marriage Forum Inc., and creator of The 6 Part Conversation and The 7 Stages of Marriage and Divorce training to help people understand their own needs and their partners.
