People Who Always Claim They’re 'Just Being Honest' Usually Say These 11 Hurtful Things A Lot
They call it honesty — but it's really cruelty with a disclaimer.
carballo | Shutterstock A person who does not have the best interests of others at heart will typically say hurtful things, but try to claim that they are actually just being honest. When saying these things, they may try to cover up that their true intentions are to be hurtful.
Most of these people are struggling with personal shame and low self-esteem. In an attempt to combat their own feelings, they will project those feelings onto the people around them by being rude to others and making comments that will likely cause those other people to feel insecure in some way.
People who always claim they’re 'just being honest' usually say these 11 hurtful things a lot:
1. 'No offense, but...'
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In an attempt to soften the blow, someone who claims they are ‘just being honest’ will usually say “no offense, but” right before they say something hurtful. By saying this, they hope to avoid responsibility for their hurtful words.
When a person says this, they likely know that what they are about to say is going to leave the other person feeling bad. Instead of being able to have an honest conversation with someone compassionate, they resort to being brutally honest. “Truth with compassion involves expressing your truth with the intention of promoting awareness rather than hurt. When a message is perceived as hurtful, the person you’re attempting to communicate with is more likely to shut down or go on the defensive,” explains Jonice Webb, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist.
2. 'I'm just being real with you...'
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When someone claims that they’re ‘just being honest’ when really they are being rude, they may tell the person they are being disrespectful to that they are just being real with them. This is their way of trying to mask their brutal comments and make it seem like they are facts instead of their opinions.
This will likely leave the person they are being mean to feeling insecure because they may start to believe that what is being said to them is how everyone feels. If they think it is something that everyone else also believes, it makes the comments start to feel more real and more painful.
3. 'You're too sensitive'
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If a person is saying that they are ‘just being honest’ when really they are making hurtful comments, they will also likely say to other people that they are too sensitive. This is their way of trying to get away with being mean and hurtful toward people without having to take any accountability for doing so.
This is considered a manipulative tactic that deflects blame and makes the person who is the victim in the situation feel like they are at fault for another person’s bad behavior. It really has nothing to do with the victim's level of sensitivity at all, but rather has more to do with the aggressor's inability to own up to their actions.
4. 'You can't take a joke'
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People who claim that they are honest when really what they are saying is rude and hurtful may commonly tell people that they cannot take a joke. By drawing the attention away from their critical comments and putting it on the other person’s reactions instead, they are able to be rude without ever having to take ownership of their actions.
These people also use this comment to remain in control of the conversation, assert their dominance, and invalidate the feelings of the person toward whom they are being passive-aggressive. This kind of behavior can come across as gaslighting, and even if the person is being honest, they are not doing it in a thoughtful way. “The point of concern isn’t the honesty; it’s the brutality. Because oftentimes the truth does hurt. But there are plenty of other ways to share an honest message that is thoughtful and not damaging — and not gaslighting,” said Webb.
5. 'I say this because I care'
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A person who says they are being honest when really they are being hurtful may also tell people that the only reason they have said something mean is because they care. Someone who tries to cover up this behavior in this way is likely using this as a defense mechanism because they feel ashamed of themselves.
In an attempt to rid themselves of this shame, they will treat others in a mean way. “Thus, some people who behave in a mean way towards others are hiding their own shame from themselves by disowning what they feel and giving away the feeling in an attack or other response,” explains Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist.
6. 'Not to be rude, but...'
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Someone who knows they are about to say something hurtful to another person may attempt to mask their hurtful intent by saying that they are not trying to be rude, even if they really are. When they know the statement they are about to make will likely leave the person feeling low self-esteem, instead of finding an easier and more thoughtful way of being honest, they fully attempt to just keep the blame off themselves.
They use this as a form of self-protection. If the person gets upset from their hurtful words, then they will blame the victim by saying that they already said they weren't being rude, they were just being honest.
7. 'Everyone thinks it, I'm just the one brave enough to say it'
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A person who wants to act as if they are just being honest when saying something hurtful will often say that everyone thinks what they are saying, but they are the only ones brave enough to actually say it. This is their attempt to justify their actions and hurtful comments.
They aim to cover up their malicious intentions first by making it seem like honesty, and then, to avoid taking accountability, they make it seem like everyone thinks the way that they do, and that their hurtful thoughts are not just opinions, they are facts. People usually act in this way if they are feeling insecure and are seeking external validation, so typically their behavior says more about them than the person they are treating poorly.
8. 'It's for your own good'
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People who claim that their rude behavior is purely just them being honest will also typically tell people that they are saying hurtful things, so that it is for their own good. By commenting on this, they are trying to excuse their behavior because deep down, they know it is coming from a place of their own insecurities.
“Sometimes people say hurtful things in response to their feelings of hurt. Research suggests that a lack of stable self-esteem is one of the most common motivators of verbal aggression. People may say things they know will hurt you, so they can boost their self-esteem by tearing you down,” explains BetterHelp, an online therapy platform that provides individuals with access to licensed mental health professionals.
9. 'You've done well for yourself, considering...'
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Someone who claims their hurtful comments are just them being honest will also likely say passive-aggressive things to others. One of the things may be them saying “you’ve done well for yourself, considering…” which is a backhanded compliment.
By framing the accomplishments of someone else as if they are an exception, it discredits the hard work someone has put in to get them where they are. Utkarsh Narang, a learning consultant and executive coach, mentions that, “Backhanded compliments, which subtly undermine or diminish self-esteem, can hinder personal growth and damage relationships. While these 'compliments' may sound like well-intentioned praise at first, they take on a different meaning when you pay close attention to the word choices.”
10. 'I'm just going to tell it like it is...'
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As a defense for rude comments, a person may tell another that they are just going to tell it like it is to them. By commenting on this, they aim to make the person they are talking to believe that whatever they say after that statement is factual.
Really, it may just be their opinion, but if the person feels like it is fact and everyone feels the same way, then it will likely hurt them more. For someone whose main intention behind saying hurtful things is to make another person feel bad so they can try to feel better about themselves, this manipulation tactic does just that.
11. 'With all due respect...'
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A person who says with all due respect before saying something hurtful to someone else is likely being passive-aggressive. By making this statement, they are aiming to downplay their mean comments and avoid taking full responsibility for them.
It is important, if you are the victim of someone’s rude and unconstructive comments, that you remember it says more about the state of their character than it does your own. People being rude are usually trying to cover up their own insecurities, so their mean comments have a deeper meaning than they seem to.
Kamryn Idol is a writer with a bachelor's degree in media and journalism who covers lifestyle, relationship, family, and wellness topics.
