Deeply Passive-Aggressive People Usually Say 11 Phrases To Criticize You Without Saying It Directly
shahin khalaji | Unsplash We've all known people who have plenty of unsolicited opinions they want to offer, but are so concerned with looking innocent that they won't share their feelings directly. In such cases, there are certain phrases that deeply passive-aggressive people will use to criticize you so they can express their judgments while seemingly maintaining their status as a "nice" person.
Being on the receiving end of this kind of passive-aggressive behavior can leave you feeling understandably confused. But if you hear things like this from someone fairly often, you can rest assured that they aren't trying to help; they're just trying to indirectly put you down.
Deeply passive-aggressive people usually say these phrases to criticize you indirectly:
1. 'I'm not saying you're wrong but...'
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The first phrase people say when they want to passive-aggressively criticize you is. "I'm not saying you're wrong, but..." Everybody has differences in opinion. Whether it's on a group project or making a decision within the context of a relationship, diversity in thinking is a positive thing and will cause you to come to different conclusions than most people do.
That said, passive-aggressively saying that someone isn't wrong and then following it up with the word 'but' isn't the best way to go. Not only is this phrase contradictory, but it also comes off as a bit hostile. The next time you encounter a situation in which someone utters this phrase, don't be afraid to call them out. Otherwise, they'll continue thinking this behavior is okay.
2. 'I would've done it differently, but that's just me'
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Have you ever been in a discussion and had someone say, "I would've done it differently, but that's just me"? From the outside, this may not sound like much of a phrase to bat an eyelash at. After all, what's wrong with admitting a difference in opinion, right? However, the issue with this phrase stems from the "But that's just me” portion.
Being passive-aggressive often stems from people wanting to avoid conflict. Like it or not, passive-aggressive people are naturally avoidant, as they don't want to cause a rift or make situations worse. As a result, these people use indirect statements to express themselves. Unfortunately, this will often make the situation worse as they continue to hold in their frustration, causing resentment to brew.
3. 'That's one way to do it'
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Another phrase people say when they want to passive-aggressively criticize you is, "That's one way to do it." Once again, everyone has a different way of doing things, and there's nothing wrong with saying that. That said, there's a respectful way to do things and a disrespectful way to do things, and snarkily saying, "That's one way to do it," is decidedly not respectful.
Knowing this, if you catch someone being passive-aggressive, clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D., stated that it's important to create a safe space for people to talk it out. "Passive-aggressive people act the way that they do because they are afraid of how you’ll react," she said. So, be sure to tell them that you're more than willing to listen to their complaints, while also reminding them to keep it respectful."
4. 'Whatever works for you'
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Another phrase people use when they want to passive-aggressively criticize you is, "Whatever works for you." They might think this sounds at best nonchalant and at worst reluctant, not realizing how hurtful their veiled criticism really is. If you ever feel offended or disrespected by someone else's passive-aggressive criticism, it's important to be upfront.
According to clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD, "Relationships generally work better if all the cards are out on the table." So, being upfront and saying something like, "Hey, I'd prefer you just be upfront with me because I feel disrespected when you aren’t.” Is this always easy? Absolutely not. But doing this will certainly save time and, most importantly, avoid misunderstandings in the future.
5. 'If you like it, I love it'
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When you’re trying on a new dress in front of your partner or showing your boss what you think is your best work, sometimes the other person will shake their head and respond with a curt, "If you like it, I love it." It’s pretty obvious the other person is secretly judging you when they say this, which can have a direct impact on your self-esteem. According to a study in 2019, feeling judged based on appearance, for instance, increases your stress levels and depressive symptoms.
Though it might be uncomfortable, simply saying something like, "You can be honest with me," might be a smart move on your part. This allows someone to feel comfortable opening up to you while allowing you to speak your mind without making them uncomfortable.
6. 'We all have our strengths'
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The next phrase people say when they want to passive-aggressively criticize you is, "We all have our strengths." While it may be true that everyone has their strengths, saying this during a disagreement or intense moment isn't right. After all, what they're essentially saying is, "You're not particularly good at this." According to a study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, people who feel disrespected are more likely to be aggressive than those who feel disliked. Despite this, you may feel more comfortable staying silent than stirring the pot. Though this is okay to do on occasion, it's important to stand up for yourself when people constantly criticize you. Otherwise, you allow them to get away with their hurtful behavior.
7. 'It's okay, I didn't expect anything else'
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According to the Gottman Institute, not only is contempt a form of resentment, but it is the number one predictor of divorce. And if you ever hear someone say, "It's okay, I didn't expect anything else," you should feel pretty alarmed; it's a major sign of resentment and contempt. People who are fed up won't always tell you how they feel until they are truly done with the relationship. With this in mind, you should take preventative measures to keep this from getting worse. Otherwise, you risk losing the relationship completely. Associate Professor of Philosophy Susi Ferrarello, Ph.D., suggested starting by acknowledging their pain while also not allowing yourself to succumb to guilt.
8. 'You do you, I guess'
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It can feel downright frustrating when people don't tell you what they really mean. Hiding their opinions behind seemingly nonchalant words and cool behavior can lead to a bucketload of misunderstandings. That said, a phrase people say when they want to passive-aggressively criticize you is, "You do you, I guess." To some people, this might sound like the person in question doesn't care. However, deep down inside, this person is absolutely judging you — and you can feel it.
9. 'At least you tried'
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It's always good to put in your best effort. Whether it's at school or at work, effort is worth a lot more than throwing in the towel and giving up. That said, it can feel extremely discouraging to hear someone say, "At least you tried." Now sure, some might say this in hopes of cheering you up. However, many people say this when they want to passive-aggressively criticize you. In turn, this can make you feel even worse about failing than if they hadn't said anything at all.
So, what should you do if someone says this phrase? Once again, it's best to speak up and be honest about your discomfort. By saying something like, "I know you're trying to cheer me up, but it's not helping," you'll firmly address the issue while redirecting the person about what they should and shouldn't do in the future.
10. 'At least you aren't completely wrong'
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"At least you aren't completely wrong" is another phrase people say when they want to passive-aggressively criticize you. There's nothing more confusing than an indirect statement. On one hand, you might assume a person is simply trying to be supportive, while on the other hand, you can feel their hostility. A survey from YouGov found that 49% of people identify as people-pleasers. Because of this, it isn't shocking that so many people take the passive-aggressive route to tell others how they truly feel. Unfortunately, this type of behavior will usually only cause rifts, but even so, it's not always your job to call someone out. If this is a one-time occurrence, letting bygones be bygones might be your best option.
11. 'I guess everyone has their own opinion'
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Finally, the last phrase people say when they want to passive-aggressively criticize you is, "I guess everyone has their own opinion.” Again, diversity in thought is a great thing. For instance, according to a study in 2019, diversity in opinion and ideas improves performance. Even so, there is a correct way to address differences in an immature way.
Casually sulking and throwing in the towel isn't a good way to address differences in opinion. It's more productive to allow everyone to take a breather and come back to the conversation a few minutes later. Now, is this a pain, and will it sometimes result in pushback? Sure. However, refusing to address the issue will only make matters worse, so it's better to face it head-on after everyone's had time to step away.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
