Kids Who Were Raised By Perfectionist Parents Struggle With These 11 Things Long Into Adulthood
If you were raised by perfectionists, there's a good chance you’re still fighting battles you never signed up for.
stock-enjoy | Shutterstock Perfectionism is a trait that is often lauded in the workplace and school, but it’s not always good. When taken to an extreme level, perfectionists tend to make their lives a living nightmare. When perfectionists become parents, that often means their children will suffer as a result of their parents’ problematic thinking.
Most people have met at least one or two adults who a perfectionist raised. If you haven’t, you may have seen at least one or two movies with a character that fits the bill. Life after a perfectionist parent can be a struggle, even if the person looks okay on the outside. Don’t believe me? Ask them if they struggle with these issues below. They’re pretty common among adult children of perfectionist parents.
Kids who were raised by perfectionist parents struggle with these 11 things long into adulthood:
1. Self-Love
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Perfectionism is like a little voice whispering in your ear, ever-critiquing, ever nitpicking, never satisfied. When you have perfectionist parents, they tend to press their perfectionism onto you, too.
Eventually, all the complaints your parents find in you tend to keep echoing in your mind. It can chip away at even the most confident people. This is why people who have perfectionistic parents tend to struggle with self-love.
2. Accepting compliments
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This goes back to all the criticism that perfectionistic parents tend to dole out. When you hear all those little remarks, you eventually internalize them. So when someone compliments you, it feels weird.
Children of perfectionists tend to be wary of compliments — or even outright unable to accept them. If you notice someone who never seems to be okay with accepting compliments, it could be a direct result of how their parents treated them.
3. Perfectionism
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Surprise! When it comes to certain personality traits, like begets like. Perfectionistic parents tend to have perfectionist kids, who grow up into perfectionist adults, who often end up repeating that same cycle.
Perfectionism tends to act like a cycle of abuse, except the perfectionist tends to be the cruelest bully to themselves instead of others. If you’re a child of a perfectionist, that doesn’t always mean you’re doomed to be that way. It’s important to break the cycle.
4. Burnout
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The funny thing about perfectionism is that it often makes you run yourself ragged, trying to achieve a standard that is quite literally impossible. Many perfectionists struggle with giving themselves the time they need to actually relax, leading them to become severely burnt out.
Sometimes, the burnout can get so bad that they stop being able to function altogether. Having seen this nightmare happen firsthand, I want to encourage everyone to just take a break once in a while. Trust me, it can save your life.
5. Procrastination
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Contrary to popular belief, procrastination is not about laziness in many cases. It’s often a matter of fear. Perfectionists frequently become procrastination masters because they’re afraid they won’t be able to do a task perfectly.
Rather than be caught being a “failure,” perfectionists will often push off the task at hand or just avoid it altogether. It’s a scarily easy loop to fall into, if you’re not careful.
6. Fear of failure
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While we’re talking about the effects of perfectionism on procrastination, let’s talk a little more about how it affects fear. If you had perfectionist parents, they probably warned you about what happens if you fail. They make it sound like the worst thing ever — or just tacitly imply they will be very upset if you’re not the best in show.
The fear of failure can be very difficult to overcome, even as an adult. It’s a growing cause of concern throughout the United States, primarily because perfectionism seems to be on the rise.
7. Expressing anger or discomfort
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When people think about perfect kids or perfectly-behaved families, they often think about people who never frown. The “perfect” archetype is a person who is always smiling, always knows what to say, and never shows their anger.
The pressure to be “perfectly well-behaved” is real when your parents are perfectionists. Unsurprisingly, this means that doing things like saying you’re unhappy with something or standing up for yourself can be a massive issue. Heck, it can even spark a fear of public speaking!
8. People-pleasing
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This might sound like it’s the same as our last point, but it isn’t entirely the same thing. People-pleasing is the act of doing things and going out of your way to make others happy, often for the hope of acceptance or approval. It goes beyond just keeping mum about your own problems.
Perfectionist parents are often hard to please, with some even being downright narcissistic. Living with a perfectionist can make all affection seem conditional on being as perfect as possible. All things considered, is it really that shocking that perfectionism is tied to people pleasing?
9. Building healthy relationships
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Having perfectionist parents often means that you can find yourself stuck with having to pander and cater to parents who shriek if you do something out of line. Between the studies showing how perfectionist parenting can affect everything from your self-esteem to your ability to stand up for yourself, it’s not shocking that it can affect your ability to form healthy relationships.
Studies show that children of perfectionistic parents tend to struggle with codependency as adults. In other words, they go with people who they feel will give them validation, even when it’s unhealthy for them.
10. Asking for help
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Oh, this one should be pretty obvious, right? When perfectionists raise you, you might have one of two different things you’re used to: being scolded when doing something wrong or having parents who don’t trust you to do basic things and who decide to do everything for you instead.
You always end up having that weird feeling that asking for help is akin to failure. It breaks the illusion. So you don’t ask for help until it’s often a complete disaster that you can no longer hide on your own.
11. Enforcing boundaries
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Because perfectionist parents often go to crazy lengths to ensure their kids are “perfect,” boundaries can get stomped pretty easily. Over time, children of perfectionists might end up internalizing the idea that boundaries don’t mean anything — or that enforcing them is wrong.
Much like growing up with narcissistic parents, children of perfectionists still regularly struggle with boundary-setting late into life. Simply put, it’s just the way they were taught.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
