11 Subtle Signs You Only Love Someone's Potential, Not The Actual Human Being They Are
Do you really know who you're in love with?
GalacticDreamer / Shutterstock Finding love can be challenging. The search sometimes leads people to love someone for their potential rather than the actual human being they are. They may attach themselves to an ideal image of a person that isn’t real, and along the way, end up confused, hurt, frustrated, and disappointed.
But while finding real love can be tough, it’s not impossible. To understand the difference between an illusion and the real deal, identify whether you truly know the person.
These are 11 subtle signs you only love someone's potential, not the actual human being they are
1. You feel an instant attraction to them
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Many confuse instant attraction with falling in love. Unfortunately, feeling instant attraction on the first encounter is usually an indicator that it’s not real love. According to Kelleher International, attraction begins with chemistry when our body releases hormones.
For example, dopamine when we feel good, or oxytocin, the ‘love hormone’, during physical touch. It’s important to pay attention to why you're attracted to some and not others, especially when those who keep producing butterflies in your stomach turn out to be no good for you.
2. You fell for them hard and fast
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In addition to feeling instant attraction, some people fall hard and fast “in love.” While this may seem romantic, it can be a huge red flag if you’re not paying attention to other factors that contribute to reciprocal love. Arash Emamzadeh from Psychology Today explains that this is called emophilia, which means you fall in love too fast and frequently.
There are some questions you can ask yourself if you find yourself falling hard and fast on multiple occasions. For example, if you feel romantic connections right away, if you’ve been in love with more than one person at the same time, and if you tend to jump into relationships quickly. Romantic novels have their appeal, but if you find yourself in unrequited love, you may end up heartbroken.
3. You don't really know who they really are
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At the beginning of a relationship, it’s normal to be in the process of getting to know each other. However, if you’re already in love, especially if you’re the only one in love in the relationship, that’s a red flag. The process of getting to know each other allows you to determine whether you share values and similar goals, which are very important in a relationship.
If the person isn’t allowing you to get to know them, they’re likely using you or hiding something. In fact, you may feel you’re in a relationship, but in their mind, you're not official either. It sounds harsh, but they are likely ready to move on to the next person. So, when in doubt, ask questions, according to Evan Zhang from Your Average Gent.
4. You think about the perfect future with them, not the present
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When you focus on the perfect future with your partner instead of the present, you avoid reality. While creating a fantasy, you’re likely ignoring present problems and setting unrealistic expectations. It’s important to focus on the here and now and on building rather than imagining.
According to the Gottman Institute, “When commitment deepens, advice starts sounding like love.”
Someone who wants to share a future with you will build something with you because they want the best for you. You won’t feel alone in the process.
5. You think you can fix them
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Stop trying to fix your significant other. Sometimes we find ourselves stuck in the belief that we need to save someone. I get it. I’ve had many friends, me included, who have fallen into the illusion of fixing someone. Sometimes a line must be drawn with compassion. We need to use our discernment to identify what’s dangerous to us.
Rachel Allyn, Ph.D., explains that sometimes our attempt to rescue a romantic partner is our subconscious trying to heal ourselves or part of ourselves. Leave the project management behind because someone who doesn’t want to change won’t.
6. You walk on eggshells around them
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Have you ever felt you’re walking on eggshells in a relationship? If you feel you can’t truly be yourself in a relationship to save it, that’s a sign it’s probably not the right relationship for you. You may feel your partner gets angry easily and often doesn’t apologize for their actions, according to Elizabeth Plumptre from Verywell Mind.
If that’s the case, ask yourself what your emotional needs are in the relationship. Eventually, you may have to stomp on the eggshells and onto something new, whether in the relationship or out of it.
7. You make excuses for them
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Another sign you’re in love with someone’s potential is that you’re constantly making excuses for them. Similar to trying to fix someone, making excuses for them means you have a desire for a good person deep down. I’ve been in that boat where I avoided facing reality, even if it was just for a second.
As described in The Single Files from Glamour, “Once you start making excuses for your partner's behavior, it's usually the beginning of the end.”
Making excuses for them because they’re going through a hard time is exhausting. Maybe you can make some excuses for them, but not forever.
8. You blindly accept all of their flaws
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I’ve heard many times that if you truly love someone, you blindly accept their flaws. While there’s some truth to that, blindly accepting all their flaws can be harmful. For one, what if their flaws are hurting you? It’s beautiful to love someone’s imperfections, but sometimes some people need to work on themselves.
Sure, you can help them along the way, but eventually, there’s a fine line that needs to be drawn. For example, if your partner has excessive drinking or drug habits. As Sanjana Gupta from Verywell Mind puts it, there’s a difference between embracing and enabling. Allowing someone’s negative behavior to continue can be dangerous, especially if there are children in the picture.
9. You're in denial
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Another clear sign you’re in love with someone’s potential instead of the real person is that you’re in denial. According to Elyane Youssef from Elephant Journal, sometimes you’re so lost you may even deny you’re in a toxic relationship.
Youssef explains that along the way, you may have idealized your partner, procrastinated important decisions in the relationship, and lost yourself in the relationship. Also, sometimes the relationship is completely over, and yet you’re in denial about the status of the relationship.
10. You give more to the relationship than they do
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If you’re giving more into the relationship than your partner, likely, you’re feeling drained. According to dating coach Matthew Hussey, if you give so much and your needs don’t get met, you may end up feeling extremely resentful.
Unfortunately, some people will never reveal their emotional needs to their partner. You may feel that constantly giving will help you strengthen your relationship. The truth is, it’s a sign you’re forcing a relationship.
11. You don't leave because you think they may finally change
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One of the last subtle signs you’re only in love with someone’s potential, not the actual human being, is that you don’t leave because “what if they finally change?” Similar to trying to fix someone, walking on eggshells, and making excuses for them, staying because they finally might change, is a clear sign you’re hoping for an idealized version of them and a future with them.
Roxy Zarrab, Psy.D., explains, “You believe 'relationships are hard' and this is just a rough patch.” While there’s some truth to that, waiting for them to change is tiring and harmful. Zarrab suggests that you may have already invested a significant amount of time in the relationship and are afraid to start over. Regardless of the reason, “what ifs” in a relationship typically remain that way.
Loving someone for who they really are is more than just instant attraction, butterflies in your stomach, and fairytales. Do you know the type of human being your partner truly is? Do you know their flaws? Their values? Their goals? Their goals with you? Get to know your partner and fall in love with them, not their potential.
Mina Rose Morales is a writer and photojournalist with a degree in journalism. She covers a wide range of topics, including psychology, self-help, relationships, and the human experience.
