If A Man Gets Defensive About These 11 Things, He's Not Who He Pretends To Be
Pay attention to what sets him off — it reveals who he really is.
Sergey Zaykov | Shutterstock Most people have a certain way they want to be seen by others. In trying to fit into the persona they wish came naturally to them, they often confidently claim that they possess certain qualities they actually don’t.
It can be difficult to determine who someone really is, but one of the best ways to uncover the truth about a person is to observe how they respond to certain, potentially triggering, topics. If a man is trying to come across as something he's not, he'll act defensively when you bring up topics that threaten to uncover truths about him that he would rather keep hidden.
If a man gets defensive about these 11 things, he's not who he pretends to be:
1. Feelings or emotions
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While a man might pretend to be someone who is in tune with his emotions and has no problem with being vulnerable, deep down he is hiding a fear of vulnerability and looking weak if he becomes defensive when you ask about his feelings. Although you may see him as someone who is emotionally intelligent and completely open to expressing himself, the reality is he doesn’t actually feel that way if he avoids doing so whenever you try to get him to open up.
Becoming defensive is the mind and body’s response to a threat that triggers it. If he wasn’t afraid to share his emotions and feelings with you, he wouldn’t view the topic as something he needs to protect his ego from.
2. Past mistakes or failures
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No one is perfect. Everyone has past mistakes and will likely fail many times throughout their life. If a man gets defensive and avoids his past failures and mistakes, he probably tries to show himself as flawless and with few or no weaknesses.
He may secretly fear that his self-worth is judged based on past mistakes. So, he chooses to protect his ego by pretending they don't exist and becomes defensive when you try to bring them up. The truth is that he's not as perfect as he seems and probably isn't open to the constructive feedback needed to learn from his errors, instead trying to block them out entirely.
3. Honesty or integrity
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It’s pretty simple. If a man gets defensive about his honesty or integrity, he might be hiding the fact that he hasn't been as honest as he has led you to believe.
If every time you ask him questions that should be considered straightforward, you get vague answers that never seem to actually answer the question, he has been pretending to be honest and trustworthy. If he was truly as honest as he has been pretending to be, his response would show understanding and he would be willing to talk instead of getting defensive and avoiding the conversation.
4. Intentions in a relationship
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While he may not seem to have any issues with letting go of control or being vulnerable, he might actually struggle with both and only be pretending not to. Not getting defensive when his intentions in the relationship are questioned would mean he’d have to be open with you and release some of the control he has over things.
For him, this could be scary and leave him feeling vulnerable. Instead of letting that happen and revealing his true colors and struggles to you, he’d rather avoid the topic and keep his intentions to himself.
5. Financial situation
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He might have led you to believe that he is a traditional provider. He never faces financial struggles and has surpassed traditional societal expectations. However, he becomes defensive whenever you bring up his financial situation.
If this topic causes him to try and avoid really answering any of your questions, he most likely has been pretending to be someone he is not. Not only is he someone who is probably struggling financially, but he also struggles with finding his self-worth in meeting expectations and fears you’d reject him if you knew the truth about his current financial situation.
6. Background and upbringing
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If a man makes you feel like his background and upbringing are almost too good to be true, and he still gets defensive when you bring it up, he might be pretending to be someone he’s not. He may not have been entirely truthful about his background to impress you and appear more desirable.
If he were being completely truthful about the way he was raised, he wouldn’t hesitate to answer your questions about it. Instead, he would openly elaborate on every detail, but since he isn’t fully aware of every detail, your questioning makes it hard for him to quickly make something up. When he tries to avoid these questions, even though he makes it seem like his background and upbringing are perfect, he might have a past and background more complicated than he lets on.
7. Other people's opinions of him
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Everyone has to deal with the opinions of other people, but when you’re truly confident in yourself, you don't need to get defensive or avoid others’ opinions because they no longer have the power to shape the way you feel about yourself. If he always gets defensive whenever the topic of others’ opinions about him comes up, he is not as confident in who he is as he pretends to be.
Although he may seem very confident and not seek self-worth from external validation, that might not actually be true. When he gets defensive about people’s opinions of him, it shows that he feels threatened by the topic and needs to protect his ego. If he truly felt confident regardless of others' opinions, he wouldn’t be afraid of his ego getting hurt.
8. Gender roles or expectations
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If when you challenge traditional gender roles and expectations, he becomes defensive but has always claimed to support a more modern view of these roles and expectations, he might be pretending to be someone he is not. He could genuinely resonate more with traditional masculinity and feel the need to protect his strength and control.
As much as he has tried to deny being influenced by societal norms, he just can’t help it. Traditional societal expectations say that a man should never show moments of vulnerability and should be the ultimate protector and provider in a relationship. Deep down, he may still be struggling to transition his mindset to a more modern perspective out of fear of vulnerability and a need to meet expectations.
9. Conflicts
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If, during conflicts, he becomes defensive and refuses to accept responsibility for his actions, he might not be the confident and self-assured guy he's trying to appear to be. Beneath the surface, he may actually have a fragile sense of self and a deep-rooted fear of being criticized for what he does.
His defensive behavior is a way he copes to protect his more sensitive and fragile parts. He wants you to think that external conflicts and whether he makes you happy have no impact on his self-worth, but deep down, that couldn’t be more false.
10. Social circle
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A man might try to make you believe he's well-liked and part of a high-quality group of friends, but if he becomes overly defensive when you bring up his social circle, he might be pretending to be someone he's not. He could actually be someone who is unsure about his social standing and feels insecure about his social life.
In an attempt to cover up the true way he views himself, his fragile ego, and the less connected friend group he might belong to, he probably won't want to go into detail about his social circle. Instead, he wants to give only limited information and highlight the positives of his social life and his standing within it, if he even has one.
11. Flaws
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Similar to when a man tries to make you believe he has no serious past mistakes or failures, if he gets defensive when you bring up his potential flaws, he might not be exactly who he claims to be. Some men want to create this illusion of perfection; they want to seem like they could never do anything wrong.
In reality, they just fear that if you notice their flaws, you'll abandon them, see them as weak, or feel like they are failing as a partner. They're not as perfect as they try to appear; instead, they’ve made mistakes just like everyone else. They simply have a harder time accepting the potential consequences of you finding out.
Pay attention to how a man reacts to different topics, as it helps reveal who he truly is. If he struggles with opening up about his true self due to fears and insecurities, aim to create a safe, non-judgmental space where both of you can honestly express who you really are.
Kamryn Idol is a writer with a bachelor's degree in media and journalism who covers lifestyle, relationship, family, and wellness topics.
