If You’re Exhausted From Worrying About What People Think Of You, These 2 Shifts Make It Easier To Let Go
Hatice Baran | Pexels One of the loftiest goals of many women is to learn how to stop caring so much about what people think of us — even when research has proven that people actually don't think about us nearly as much as we think they do. But even for the most successful among us, it can be challenging. People's words can hurt sometimes, and it can feel exhausting when you can't stop worrying about what people think of you.
For our ancestors, being judged favorably meant a higher chance of survival within the group. Our brains still run that ancient software, even when the stakes are something as low-grade as what a co-worker thought of your comment in a meeting. Knowing that doesn't always make it easier, but these two shifts are a good place to start, and they make it easier to stop overthinking.
If you’re exhausted from worrying about what people think of you, these two shifts make it easier to let go:
1. Filter their comments through their experience
Nine times out of ten, the person judging my life knows nothing about it. Therefore, the judgment comes from their insecurities. People who actively suppress thoughts about their own undesirable traits end up with those traits becoming chronically mentally accessible.
And as a result, research says they project those very traits onto others, readily inferring them in other people's behavior. In other words, when someone criticizes you harshly, they may be telling you far more about what they're privately struggling with than about any real flaw in you.
2. Get clear on who you really are
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Through many hours of learning about myself in therapy, taking self-development courses, and writing a dissertation about professional development as related to personal development, I have learned who I am and what I need. I go back to the people I care about who support me.
Research has found that people who scored high in both emotional attention and emotional clarity showed greater resilience, more positive self-perception, and better overall mental health than those with low self-awareness. The inner work you do to understand who you are and what you need is one of the most evidence-based things you can do to stop letting other people's opinions hit so hard.
I will share an example from my own life: Why is the question posed to a successful, educated woman following the discussion of her daily routine often about what is absent from her life?
"I bet you don't have kids" is probably one of the most hurtful statements to hear someone throw out when you've just finished discussing your career accolades. Would that same question still be valid if asked of a man? Do we even hear that as a question once we hear a man outlining his accomplishments? I argue the question is one society still disproportionately looks to women to answer.
Why are we supposed to do anything at any age? It's enough to get by in this life. As a therapist, I help people thrive when they tell me stories about how they are just trying to survive. Survive a job that makes them earn less and less money each year, but still expects them to pay all their bills. Survive a relationship they probably shouldn't be in but are still trying to hold on to "for the kids."
How do we get our power and influence back to take hold of our lives? It is, after all, the best way to learn to be happy with yourself. "Just stop caring about what other people think," is a piece of pop culture advice to help keep us focused on the trajectory of our lives. If only it were that simple. The truth is, it is OK to be in pain about the statements others make to us.
We have options when presented with a painful situation. We can avoid it, or we can absorb it to an extent. The pattern of society is to avoid pain. Society tells us that to be happy, we have to consume and buy products to fulfill our happiness, or perhaps to take another drink or any other unhealthy choice that keeps others' words from hurting so badly. The inner communication in that message is, "Buy things, and you won't feel pain."
But that won't work. Not in the long run. As long as you have those around you who love and support you and do not judge you, it will be easier to manage other people's opinions.
Maxine Langdon Starr, Ph.D., LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist specializing in adolescents and young adults, partner/owner of Sunflower Therapies, professor of psychology at Brandman University, and motivational speaker on self-esteem.
