11 Little Things People Who Secretly Regret Their Marriage Do Without Realizing
If your spouse goes out of their way to irritate you, they may have secret regrets about your union.
AboutLife - Raev Denis / Shutterstock Marriage is viewed as a commitment where two people promise to be a part of a lifelong partnership built on love, trust, and shared dreams. However, not every union unfolds the way it was imagined. Insecurities and regrets arise when expectations don't pan out as planned.
The flirtations with complete strangers and the constant comparisons to other people can put any decent marriage on the rocks. It takes two people to actively make the choice to continue on for a relationship to work, and if one is not doing their part then the chances of the marriage surviving are minimal at best. People who secretly regret their marriage might not even realize what they are doing, but their partners almost always do.
Here are 11 little things people who secretly regret their marriage do without realizing
1. Scroll through their phone instead of engaging with their spouse
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When people come home, they often want to unwind and spend hours mindlessly scrolling social media, but when their partner wants to speak to them, it is a common courtesy to put the phone down and listen. A person who wants to make their marriage work will do this, but someone who no longer wants to be in a marriage may ignore their spouse altogether and continue to be on the phone. This is more than simply juggling too many things at once, but rather choosing to ignore them on purpose.
Actively ignoring your spouse's emotional needs can cause irreparable damage to your marriage. A person might not even realize that ignoring their spouse might lead them to mentally check out of the relationship and eventually physically leave. What makes this type of behavior tricky is that being on the phone when talking to someone else has been so normalized that we dismiss it as multitasking.
2. Over-romanticizing the past
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Many people cling to memories of the good old days when their relationship felt new and exciting, but what they don't realize is that the two of you have changed since then. Challenges that once felt significant in the past may now appear trivial compared to the present struggle. Not every marriage is built to last but that is entirely dependent on the people within the relationship.
Relationship nostalgia offers momentary comfort and aligns with positive feelings in the present moment, but over time, this reliance on it does not maintain satisfaction. Some may not realize that bringing up these past moments might trigger their spouses in a different way. It might bring up old wounds or feelings of regret that they missed out on certain opportunities in the past.
3. Constantly venting about minor issues
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Venting to your spouse is normal, but when it gets to the point that the two of you begin to blame each other for everything, then it can spiral out of control. Conflict over minor issues is just as negatively associated with satisfaction in the relationship as conflict over major issues. Worrying about small things like house work or tone can damper what could be a strong relationship.
Nagging a spouse over minor things can ruin the relationship because of communication breakdowns. Many married couples will find that something as small as doing the dishes really has nothing to do with the physical act but more about the lack of balance in the relationship and the need not to be taken for granted. Instead of confronting these deeper issues, couples stay worrying about surface-level issues and have regrets later on, wondering if they could've done more to save the marriage.
4. Withholding personal news
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Growing emotionally distant from your spouse means that the communication has irretrievably broken down so much that the two of you are not even sharing news with each other. Withholding personal news or even appreciation can leave your spouse in the dark on important information and how you really feel about them. It's not ideal, as this is the person who is supposed to be the most important person in your life.
People often forget that marriage is about more than love. It's a partnership, both emotionally and economically. When one partner suppresses their emotions in the relationship it can lead to the marriage's end and divorce is not easy. This is because couples aren't communicating what is wrong with each other and these are the moments that could bond them.
5. Dismissing future plans
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People who regret being married will go out of their way to invalidate their partner's emotions and dismiss any ideas they have to make the marriage better. A good marriage has a shared vision or goal that the two of you are actively trying to achieve. This could be something minor like owning a home or starting a family, but when one partner begins to stray from that path, then it means the marriage is in trouble.
It might be minor negativity towards one of your ideas, and they might not even be aware that they're doing it, but it affects you regardless. While it's important to remain realistic in a marriage, it's never wrong to have big dreams for your life together. Even if it seems impossible for the two of you to achieve, just the act of agreement can make your spouse believe that you have their back through anything. So, why not give them that hope?
6. Flirting with others more than usual
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Some may say that infidelity occurs when the relationship is going through ups and downs, but we have to remember that cheating is a choice. What a lot of people don't want to hear is that when someone is cheating on their spouse, they have an underlying hatred for them in one capacity or another. For instance, a husband having an affair due to his marriage being arranged means he is struggling with the fact that he is trapped in something he didn’t want. Cheating is just his way of reclaiming that autonomy again.
While every case is different and inexcusable, there is more nuance to it than simply choosing to be unfaithful. Normally, it begins with emotional infidelity, due to unmet needs or boredom. Those who choose to actively flirt with others so openly do not care much for their spouses. In fact, they may even have some pent-up resentment for them. The takeaway from all of this is that cheaters will rarely confront their spouses about what they are doing because it's easier to be unfaithful than to tell their spouse how they really feel about them.
7. Resisting physical touch
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Another little thing people who secretly regret their marriage do without realizing is purposefully pulling away from physical touch when they have a history of doing the opposite. Physical affection is a cornerstone of any marriage, and when one party is not actively engaging, then there is something wrong in the relationship. Getting to the bottom of why they are starving their significant other of affection is not going to be easy, as it can cause arguments and more fuel to the fire, but it's worth it to try.
They might just find out that it has something to do with a previous conflict they had, and now they can resolve it. However, sometimes it's just that physical touch is not for everyone and it can cause them more stress when their partner is pulling away. While the person pulling back may not realize it, their partner will make a note of their distance.
8. Making solo decisions without their spouse
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Being in a marriage is like being on a team. The more the two of you work together, the better off you will be, but sometimes one spouse might go solo and make a decision that affects both of their lives in extreme ways. The spouse who is more independent than the other might try to set boundaries with them. The problem with that is that it completely contradicts the vows that the two of them took.
Making one or two choices is one thing, but consistently doing it can lead to divorce. Most divorces are initiated without the other partner's consent, forcing them to follow along with whatever the other person wants or demands. Shockingly, around 15% of divorced individuals regret the breakup within the first two years. This is because they don't take the time to fix the issues that they have, but instead impulsively run away from them.
9. Over-justifying the relationship
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People who regret their relationships will try to boast about how great their marriages are and how they will still hold onto them. This pattern can make them hesitant to acknowledge their true emotions because admitting regret feels like admitting failure. So instead, they try to convince themselves and those around them that their marriage was the best choice they ever made.
Pretending that something is fine when things are actually pretty difficult is nothing to be proud of. What over-justifying the relationship does is prolong the inevitable. It keeps you bottled up, unable to share any ounce of your real emotions with your spouse. Even though that's what your marriage needs in order to survive.
10. Comparing their relationship to others
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Regret is easiest to spot in a marriage when you are constantly comparing your relationship to that of others. You might see your friend's spouse being so openly in love with her on the phone and wonder why your husband doesn't do the same thing. Minor things like this are what cause marriages to break down because one person feels like they are missing out on something without realizing that they have something unique entirely.
Meaning that a friend and her spouse might be in love, but behind closed doors, their relationship is not as strong as yours. By not comparing your situation to theirs, you might start to notice that your husband shows his love in other ways. Forcing a spouse to do the things that others do will just make them lose their own identity and what made them special to begin with.
11. Shutting down during conflict
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Not every married person deals with conflicts in the same way. While some might confront it head-on, others will retreat until they cool down a bit. No matter what your situation, conflict is always resolved through talking it out. When one person shuts down, it puts a barrier between them, making communication almost impossible.
This leaves problems unresolved and makes room for resentment or even regret to grow. Regret is a strong word. When it correlates with marriage, it can mean that there is a longing to leave your spouse. The word people should be looking for is disappointment, as it indicates a willingness to work things out with them, even if the issue was minor. Little things like shutting down altogether can not only show regret or disappointment but also a lack of honesty in a marriage.
Sylvia Ojeda is a screenplay writer and journalist who covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest stories.
