You Can Tell A Marriage Is Secretly Falling Apart If These 11 Things Happen
Outsiders can tell a couple's marriage is crumbling based on the events that occur.
wavebreakmedia / Shutterstock To outsiders, a couple's marriage is supposed to be a strong vision of true love and support, but when they become witnesses to a couple's struggles then that idealization of true love begins to dissipate. You'll start to notice little shifts in their behaviors toward one another. Where once they were affectionate in front of everyone, they're suddenly ignoring each other at get-togethers.
When a marriage starts to falter, the changes are often dramatic. From making offhand remarks to acts of infidelity. Detrimental patterns erode the connection between the two of them and may change your relationship with them. Simply observing them as a couple can give you insights into how well their marriage is going.
You can tell a marriage is secretly falling apart if these 11 things happen
1. They go to therapy as a last resort
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Couples who are struggling with marital strife will head to counseling as a last resort to salvage their marriage. While this can work for some, others are not so lucky, and their marriage inevitably breaks down. Many want to know what can increase their chances of a happy ending in couples counseling, and the answer is very simple. Partners who went to therapy with higher commitment were less likely to divorce and more likely to stay happy over a five-year follow-up.
It's painful to confront issues with the hope that partners will fix themselves, but it takes collaboration. By the time a couple agrees to seek professional help, the damage has been piling up for years and is just now being rummaged through. In that case, therapy becomes less about growth and more about crisis control to salvage what's left.
2. A lack of communication
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Witnessing a lack of communication among couples is the quickest way to tell that their marriage is secretly falling apart. Without communication, misunderstandings are allowed to take hold, and if they avoid confronting it, then it will grow into resentment. This lack of communication could have been addressed before the marriage even took place.
Couples who had more negative communication before marriage were linked to divorce during the first five years. These small conflicts could have been resolved, but have now grown into larger conflicts that eventually end the marriage. Ultimately, when couples stop talking, they stop connecting with each other. The absence of meaningful conversation can turn into a lonely coexistence.
3. Emotional or physical withdrawal
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When emotional or physical withdrawal begins to take hold in a marriage, it shows a deeper disconnect between partners that is obvious for everyone to see. Giving the silent treatment can be a cruel way that couples punish each other for discontent. The act of ignoring them can make the other partner feel isolated and lonely.
Stonewalling is a severe form of withdrawal that is strongly linked to marital decline. It stalls any progress in the relationship from growing or flourishing further. To other people, it reveals unmet expectations and needs in the relationship that neither of you can meet.
4. Dishonesty
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We've all met couples who are extremely dishonest about the status of their relationship. They will smile through fights and frustrations to put on a good face for others in public. Many people see right through them. Some would rather they get it over with and split up already to make themselves happy. It can be exhausting as an outsider to see these couples lie against each other and then pretend like nothing happened.
Professor Jason Whiting, Ph.D., noted that around 10% of communication in marriages involves some form of deception, with many lies being unintentional or self-destructive. When one partner senses they're not getting the full truth, it can spark insecurities that poison the foundation of the marriage. If they don't address these hidden cracks, then the relationship risks slipping further into disrepair.
5. Escapism
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Every couple that goes through difficulties in their marriage has some form of escapism that does not involve physically leaving their partner. One partner might involve themselves in hobbies while another might use excessive screen time as their method. Where this gets complicated is when one partner feels like the other is escaping too much, which is straining the responsibilities and the connection in the marriage.
The distance that escapism creates becomes harder to ignore, especially when outsiders are constantly peering in to view the couple's relationship. Friends may wonder why the couple doesn't just speak to each other about their grievances. For some couples, they hash it out to fix things, while others will revel in the chaos to gain sympathy.
6. One of them has an affair
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Trust is the bedrock of any strong marriage, and once this trust is broken, it can end in total calamity for the union. Infidelity affects around 40% of married couples, with men more likely to cheat on their partners than women. Infidelity is a hard place to redeem oneself. What has been shown is that it is easier for a marriage to work out if the infidelity is admitted right away instead of keeping it a secret and having a spouse find out.
The cheating partner also has to deal with the backlash they receive from outsiders like friends and family, who will judge them for the treatment of their partner. It shows that now these people in their outer circles shouldn't trust them either if they betrayed the person who trusted them the most. It's a complicated situation for any couple and their inner circle to go through.
7. Mutual friends or family distance themselves from them
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When a marriage is unraveling. It sends shockwaves through the couple's social circles before either one of them has had the chance to address it. One telling sign is the way mutual friends or close family members start to distance themselves. This retreat is due to the sense of awkwardness or even fear of being pulled into the couple's drama. Friends will cancel get-togethers while family will cease communication with the partner that they have no relation to.
It’s a sign that the inevitable is coming down the pipeline, and these will be the first people to float the word 'divorce' around. People tend to pull back when something feels uncertain and unstable. So, couples should make sure that they are in good standing with those around them. If not, then they may be trying to get you to see something in your marriage that you are blind to.
8. They avoid conflicts
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At first glance, a couple who never argues might seem like a dream come true, but it can actually be detrimental to their marriage when they avoid conflict. Dr. Ellyn Bader explains that couples who avoid disagreements report more unhappiness in a marriage than couples who address these issues constructively. This causes a psychological distance from one another and can determine whether they experience relational dissolution.
In a healthy marriage, occasional conflict is natural and even necessary. Avoiding it causes the couple to regress their feelings until they become frustrated and let it out. All of a sudden, they are bombarding their partner with things they did wrong from months ago. This resentment doesn't just go away because they don't want to confront it, but instead comes out in very public moments where onlookers can make judgments on them.
9. Changes in affection
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Higher levels of frequent and routine affection were associated with greater relationship satisfaction. When those moments of passion begin to vanish, it can be a sign that something is shifting. A once affectionate partner will become disinterested in physical closeness, which can lead to the other partner feeling doubt in themselves and the relationship.
Sometimes the loss of affection stems from unresolved feelings and conflicts that were not addressed previously. In this situation, their change is a form of punishment for their spouse. This can have even more negative effects than self-doubt. It can lead to infidelity or the end of the marriage completely.
10. Comparing their relationship to other couples
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They say imitation is the best form of flattering, but in a marriage, it can be linked to dissatisfaction. Rather than focusing on the unique bond that they have, couples will idolize other relationships and try to mimic them in an attempt to fix what is lacking in their relationship. Trying to be more romantic or attempting to do hobbies that other couples enjoy together can leave both of them unsatisfied.
These types of comparisons cause unrealistic expectations for both partners. It doesn't take into account all of the things that they do well together and for each other. Both bring unique perspectives into the marriage, and while they may envy another couple, there's a very real chance that something about the two of you makes them envious as well.
11. Hearing them talk about a life without them
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When someone in a committed marriage starts speaking about a future that doesn't include their partner, then it can be a big red flag, even if they were joking. Some independence is healthy, but to start articulating life apart from a spouse shows that one partner is extremely dissatisfied with the relationship. Instead of viewing the future as something to be shared and built together, they are quietly rearranging their lives with only themselves in the picture.
A partner who does this might even go as far as to embarrass their spouse in public with this omission. Being put on public display for everyone to witness your marriage crash and burn is something no one should go through. It's always the small, seemingly harmless moments that can show when a marriage is secretly falling apart.
Sylvia Ojeda is an author who has over a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest topics.
