The #1 Breakup Strategy Of Women Who Never Let An Ex Make A Fool Of Them
The single most important tool for recovering from a bad breakup.
Chermiti Mohamed | Canva When I tell one of my clients that she must block her ex if she truly wants the break up to stick, I often hear that it's a little too "harsh". That is the word I hear over and over and over. Harsh. And I get it. But if you want to save yoru sanity during a breakup, you probably need to block.
But those of us who never let an ex make a fool out of us, manipulate or lie to us know the secret: You have to block them.
We women don’t like to hurt anyone, especially someone we once loved or perhaps still love. That's a noble mission, but there's a reason you broke up: you were likely being hurt again and again. While it might seem painful now, it will prevent a lot more pain down the road. Here's why:
1. Blocking protects you from being hurt again and again
I have a client who is trying to let go of her ex. A few weeks back, she told her guy that she had to let him go. He pushed back big time, but she told him that it was over. While he did give her a few days of peace, which were incredibly painful for her, he did ultimately reach out.
She was thrilled, of course, because she missed him. They talked for a few hours, about her decision and his life. When it was over, she fell apart. She had to start the process of overcoming that longing again, much like when moving through the steps to overcome a complusive behavior.
This happened over and over for the next week, with him reaching out, begging for her back. Finally, he wore her down, they met and are back together. She is now back on the hamster wheel, knowing that she should get off but that she can’t.
If she had blocked him, none of this would have happened and she would have been a few weeks into her path of healing.
2. Your ex won’t have an opportunity to wiggle back into your life
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It is truly amazing to me what some men will do when they break up. Too many of them (especially if they're married and their affair partner is who initiated the breakup) will initially agree that it is the best thing and he knows that the is hurting her over and over and over. But, it doesn’t last long.
While his intentions might be to let her go, he simply isn’t capable of doing so. He knows that if he lets her go, he will be stuck in an unhappy marriage for the rest of his life while she moves forward and perhaps finds love.
So, because he has not been blocked, every time he reaches out he has an opportunity to get her back. And, more often than not, because his ex is in pain, he succeeds in doing so. He wouldn’t be able to do this if could no longer reach her.
3. You won't need to decline their calls, your phone will do it for you
Technology can be our worst enemy and our best friend.
Chances are that a significant amount of your relationship has been spent on the phone, talking for hours and texting constantly. And it was wonderful falling in love, both in-person and on the phone. And, probably, as the relationship fell apart, that phone was used for emotional conversations that got you nowhere.
Now it's time to use that phone for good. If you can block your ex, you won’t have to worry about being strong. You won’t have to worry about being weak and taking them back. If they can’t reach you, you won’t get back together. If you don’t hear that familmiar voice, you won’t get back together. If you have no contact, your pain will lessen and your life will go on.
4. He won't get your hopes up again
Be honest. Doesn’t your ex make you feel sad with their words?
Does your ex declare their love, exclaim that you are soulmates, that they never had a love like he has with you ... and then, in the same breath, say that they aren't ready to take another step toward serious commitment? Does this leave you devastated every time? Do you try to reason with them over and over, trying to get a different outcome?
Or, if you do manage to try to break up, does your ex repeatedly reach out, making empty promises or making you feel guilty?
Imagine if you didn’t have to be on the receiving end of any of this! That’s what you would get if you block them!
5. You won't have to deal with blocking later when one of you moves on
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I was watching the Handmaids Tale recently and there is a scene where two of the main characters, who are married to other people but in love with each other, say goodbye for the 100th time. The woman stops him, saying that these repeated goodbyes are nothing but painful and that they should just “see ya.”
This is what happens if you block someone. You just say goodbye once.
I have a client who, a few weeks after she had told her guy that she was done, and a few weeks into his constant entreaties to take her back, decided that she needed to meet him, to get closure. As my regular readers know, closure a myth. Its just one more reason to be in someone’s presence, hoping it will turn out differently this time).
What happened when she went to see this guy to say goodbye one more time? They had a lovely time together, got intimate and, while they aren’t back together, the situation is complicated, in limbo and painful.
So, if you block your ex, you can say good bye that one last time and then not have to go through the painful goodbyes over and over, always suffering as you do so!
6. You won't need to feel guilty on a daily basis
This is something that I recently realized was a thing: that someone would make an ex feel guilty for leaving.
One of my clients told me that she knows that her ex — who broke up with her — is hurting and that she can’t cut him off. Because she can't cut him off completely, she feels she needs to be there for him, at least as a friend at first. She also feels guilty, thinking that she is causing him this pain. Therefore, she doesn’t block him.
But, the reason that he is sad is because he ended the relationship. He doesn’t have to be hurting. He could've made the choice to choose her, but he didn't ... and he won’t. As a result, he might be losing her, which is causing him pain. Its not on her - its on him!
So, while you are in intense pain yourself, because of his actions, you want to ease your ex's emotions, as you always do. Blocking is a much better choice.
7. You can fast-track rebuilding your self-esteem
One thing that happens when women repeatedly try and fail to break up with their ex, is that they start to lose faith in themselves. Eventually, it damages their self-esteem.
Letting themselves down over and over only erodes someones sense of self and how they see themselves in the world. They know that their ex isn’t the right person for them but they can’t let go, hoping that things can be different. And when they aren’t, and they have to go through toxicity again, it makes them feel back about themselves. They know that they will never be happy and its of their own making.
That being said, if they can manage to block their person, and keep them blocked, they know that they are strong and that they can do this. Instead of feeling badly about themselves after they take their man back, again, they will know that they had the strength to do something really hard. And that will feel really good!
8. Your ex will see that you really mean it this time
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Many of my clients have broken up with their ex over and over. The man pushes back a bit, but knows exactly how to get them back — with tears, guilt, begging, promises etc.
If you can manage to block your ex, will see that you are serious and they won’t be able to do the things that need to be done to get you back. They realize that this time you might actually walk away.
And yes, while that might cause pain, it is exactly what they need. They needs to know that you respect yourself too much to continue down this path. Your ex needs to know that you won’t accept empty promises again. They need to know that they hurts you ever single day and therefore you are walking away.
Blocking your ex sends a message: it is over and this is how you finally succeed in letting go.
9. You'll move on faster, finally
So many of my clients get back together because of the pain that they are feeling. And I get that. But, I remind them, they are in pain when they are with him, too. And that pain will never go away as long as they stay together.
If you can block your ex, you will finally truly be able to move on and have a new life. I know that it seems impossible now that you could live without your that person and that you will ever be happy again. But you can and you will!
You won’t get those things if you stay with him. And if you block him you will finally get away.
10. You'll save your sanity
Sanity: this is really what breaking up with someone who is not the right person for you is all about.
The lies and the deceit and the disrespect can all slowly drive someone insane. And the breaking up and getting back togethers make everything even worse. Worst of all are the up and downs that one feels during an attempted break up, as contact is made and then taken away.
I know I say this over and over and over but I am going to say it again but the only way that you will ever be able to let go of an ex and move on is if you block them. Ten years of working with women in this exact position has taught me this. Not once, not once, has a woman succeeded in letting go of her guy otherwise.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.
